Well. The next couple of weeks promise to be rocky, my Gram isn't going to last much longer, my Grandma gives her a week, but you never know. Scott is being amazing about it; he keeps telling me not to give up, to have faith that she'll make it. We'll never give up on her, I just hope she doesn't give up. She's so strong, she's been a huge insperation to my writing, she's a published poet as well and she always encouraged my work from a young age.
She's beaten breast cancer, survived a stroke, but now her body is so tired, so worn out; she turned 99 this Jan, her birthday is three days after mine and we always celebrate it together. Every year since I was about 6 or so, she would call me, sing me happy birthday and talk about how when I turned 20, she would turn 100 and we'd have a huge, wonderful party...
She's always been there, every Sunday we go to her house and have lunch, my grandparents, cousings, aunt and uncles. Every single week since before I was born and she taght us to paly cards; Crazy 8s, Dummy Rummy, Gin, Poker, Hearts. She would always watch us swim in her pool from the veiw in the dining room - she never learned how to swim, at least I don't think so.
I remember her baby-sitting us, all of her great grandkids gathered around the TV, she would break up Nestle candy bars into pieces and hand them out to us. She'd make us cheese and crackers, and even though it was always something so simple, it always tasted better when Gram made it.
She'd read story after story to us, watch us play in the play room, build things with Legos with us. She's...just always been there, so strong and confident and always there to take care of everyone.
Life without Gram...
It just doesn't add up, I can't picture it. It's like life without my siblings or my parents.
Seeing her so sick and weak, so thin, she can't even lift her arms anymore. It's hard to believe that just last month she was beating up any nurses that came near her, she was stronger than they were. She just lays in bed, gasping, humming and singing Jesus Loves Me.
She just...clings to you, wraps her frail arms around you and just holds you, hums and sings. Like you're the one that needs comforting and care. She just...kept singing over and over again.
We don't know how much longer she'll be able to remember anyone. But we'll always be there, if she knows us or not. We'll always tell her how much we love her, and we'll be there until...
I can't even say it...
I know people die. I know that. I understand that and I know no one lives forever but. I don't want this to happen...it can't. She. I know I can't be selfish, I know she's suffering...
I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what we're gonna do without her. There is no 'us' without her. There is no family without her.
I need to not sob so I don't wake anyone up.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I just keep thinking please stay. Don't go. We love you, we need you. Please...
Don't go...
