I feel like crying. Throwing things and screaming until my throat bleeds; my head is about to explode. I need my fucking meds. I take these atypical anti-psychotics that do a whole range of things. And going without them...sometimes I forget how much I need them. Need them...
I hate admiting that I need my medication. I really do. I try to be independent, I try so fucking to stand on my own. And I need these fucking pills to get out of bed in the morning and I hate it. I do.
I just. I'm such a mess right now. I'm having all these insane mood swings and I'm closing myself off from the one person that will put up with me, because god knows what I'll say or do or where my moods are going to throw me. I keep seeing things, everywhere, I hear things and it's just.
I don't even know what's going on right now. None of this seems real and I feel like the world is turning in all these insane angles and I'm about to get thrown off the planet and sucked into space and my chest just hurts.
I can't even sleep...I just ugh.
I'm having a really bad day. I'm having a bad day and I wish I didn't hate being hugged so someone could just hold me so I could let it all out. But if anyone tried to come near me right now, I would explode. Just fucking lose it and ugh.
I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm just hanging on until the meds come. Hanging on by a thread.
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Have you ever wanted to change the most fundemental part of yourself, the part that makes you you. The part of you that makes you love who you love, want who you want. I admit, I think about it sometimes. Try and picture what my life would be like if I were straight.
If I wanted women in that same insane, strong, way that I love men. I try to picture it, I do. I sometimes look at women that have similar features to the men that I find so beautiful. I try hard sometimes to try and force the same frenzied reaction that I get from seeing men like Gerard Way, Jake Pitts, Cole Mohr, and other men on the endless list of celeb crushes.
My body, however, does not respond. When I see photos of Gerard Way - my biggest crush I've ever had on anyone, by far - my heart seems to expand, pushing against the walls of my chest. My face flushes so deep red that I feel it in my toes. My body tingles. Then my heart, in it's swollen state, begins to ache. Gerard is something, someone that is so beautiful, that it hurts to look at.
I find it frustrating at times, that my body simply is only turned off by women. It's hard to explain. But, most of the time, I love that I love men the way I do.
I can remember my first crush, Kindergraten, his name was Bradley, and he had blonde hair, blue eyes, freckles and paper white skin. I've always known I loved boys. Loved. I adore their broad, strong shoulders, big, sprawling hands. The rough, scratchy voices, Adam's apples.
Their chests, running my hands up and down their sides, over their back and shoulder blades. The rough, yet soft feeling of their hair. The way they laugh, smile, the way they move and speak. The way they smell. The sound of them snoring when they fall asleep next to you in bed. The deep, soft moans when you cover their bodies in wet, open mouthed kisses.
A man's hug, warm and strong, and their strong hearts beating. So warm.
To me, women can never compete. Never. I love everything about men. I go fucking crazy for them, I really do. The way they talk, tease you, push you, just talking to them and how most of them are so relaxed. So content with simple things, they feel no need to make mountains out of molehills. Things are, or are not. Simple. Yes, no. Stay, go. Just make up your mind.
I could go on about this forever, the things that turn me on and what makes me fall in love with a man. But, after trying to force myself into something that could never happen, it's just hard to explain.
Being with a man is natural. It's right. I didn't choose to be gay. And, even though some times I want to be staight for whatever reason, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm a proud fag. I'm a chronic flirt, I'm not afraid to hit on men if I see one I like. I've spent too long hiding, trying to change myself. I have no reason to be ashamed of who I am. Of what I want.
Another change of subject here. Well, actually, no it's still related to men. In terms of what body type I find most attractive, I have posted a photo of Gerard Way, old, clearly. Now, pay special attention to his belly. See it?
That.
I.
Love.
That.
Chubby Gerard, chubby men. Sweet Jesus yes. Not in a 'oh you're so cute you're like a teddy bear..' No. In a 'o h m y g o d. You are so fucking hot and sexy fuck my right now', kind of way. I LOVE THIS BECAUSE OF REASONS
Couple that with the Revenge Era look and I'm ded. Gerard Way is my type. Okay. He just.
hng
Makes me all fuzzy inside. Now, if you excuse me, I have stumbled upon a new Ferard.
- Jor
