Bound By Purpose

1964: Rage Against the Dying of the Light

Everything seems to go in slow motion as I'm escorted down the hallway. I might as well be being led to my execution. Before leaving my room they found it necessary for me to be handcuffed, as if I would be trying to make an escape attempt. I made my decision. The decision of a soldier. A broken record of thoughts and phrases of always putting country first run through my had as the chamber gets closer. I've served for nearly 30 years now, and yet I find myself being treated like a traitor. 

I had no say in what is about to be done. In the beginning I had thought there was no reason for me to live in the real world because I had no one that I felt could give me a future. Of course that was before I discovered that in some impossible way I still had Bucky. I don't know if Howard believes me. If he does I trust he'll look, and if he doesn't... well there's nothing I can do now. There's a flash from a camera that I shy away from it blinds me for a moment as the push me forward.

I turn my thoughts to Bucky to distract me for the moments leading up to stepping back into sleep, but now that it's in front of me I find my feet a little heavier. Feeling my reluctance the grips on my arms get a little tighter as I reluctantly step inside the chamber. I chose to go under the other times and I had someone I trusted checking on me. Who knows when I'll be woken up next. It might be next week it might be 50 years from now. Bucky may be here he may not be. It doesn't matter, I tell myself. It doesn't matter.

In the two weeks being stuck underground somewhere on the East coast I've heard that Peggy has a husband and has two kids, Howard has proposed to Maria, and my parents have moved back to London. Without any way to communicate with them I can only imagine them living happily back at home in a thriving nation under Queen Elizabeth. 

I step into the chamber as agents from the government the newly formed SHIELD surround me to watch. I haven't said a word the entire time and I don't plan on saying anything. Looking out I imagine where I might be if I hadn't have lost my two boys to war. I envision myself walking down my street hand in had with Bucky and a laughing Steve walking beside us. Next to him I see Peggy. the four of us would have done so much together. We'd have taken our own time to be a part of something we truly believed in. We'd have taken time off to start our lives, but I know we'd have been taken back into the world of agents. Or would be? I'd never talked to Bucky about what we'd do after the war. He'd wanted kids, as did I. The thought of choosing a normal life over the life of adventure and espionage seems foreign to me. I'd always wanted more than to be a wife at home, ever since I was young. Perhaps if the cards had been in the right order I'd have settled down somewhere and had a lovely life with him by my side. The click of the door snaps me away from the 'what if's' and 'maybes'.

Turning my head slightly to the side I see Stark at the controls with two agents to his flanks. He hadn't apologized for doing what he did. His look here shows me that he did have regrets. I haven't seem his eyes in such a way since Steve died. His look takes the place of all the words unsaid to me, and I actually forgive him. He didn't ask for this life. He'd made his way in the world like everyone else it just so happened that it lead him on this path where things happened that couldn't be fixed. I have no one to blame for this but myself. I give him a slight nod without any emotion. We hold our gaze for a moment before he turns abruptly and puts his hand on the switch. I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head to face back out to the crowd of people. I try to calm myself, but the inevitable panic comes on as I feel the blast of cold. As the light dies gently before me I think of Bucky and Steve as children before anything happened, before the war. They say you dream about the last thing you think about before falling asleep. I'll be asleep for years possibly, I'll need a little company.  No longer holding myself back I take in a deep breath through the nose and let it carry me gently into darkness once again.