Bound By Purpose

Home Again

The rain continues to beat down on my umbrella as I take the familiar last steps to my front door. I've been back in the states now for a few weeks. I felt that I didn't have a reason to be fighting the war anymore. I close the umbrella and shake it dry. I reach for the doorknob and my ring clinks again the handle. I pause for just a moment looking at the happy gold against the black of my front door.I close my fist and use my other hand to open the door. In all honesty I'm afraid to take it off in fear that I'll never have the cause to wear it again. I tried to give the ring back to the Barnes family but they refused in a wave of tears. I told myself that I wouldn't cry when I went to confirm the news but when I saw his sister puffy eyed and still so small I fell into their arms and we cried together and spoke about him the entire afternoon. For the first time in my life I walked home from Bucky's apartment without his companionship.

"Mother I'm home." I call out shutting door to the rain. "Mom?" I call as I click down the entryway past the staircase and begin to hear voices. I come around into the dining room where my mother sits with my father. I stop abruptly not expecting to see anyone but my mother in this house. My eyes wander away to the other side of the table. Howard is sitting with a handful of white envelopes. They seem concerned. At my entry my father and Howard stand to face me. No salutes are given as my time as a ranked official is over. No one speaks for a long time. It's silent beside the thin drumming of the rain against the windows. 

"Evelyn..." Howard begins stepping forward. He looks over to my dad and then my father continues.

"We know none of this has been easy on you and I know that..." At this he comes forward and puts his hands on my shoulders. He hasn't touched me since before I left for war. "We think you should reconsider and rejoin the the SSR as an agent."

He's saying these words out loud right? My eyes find my mother and she nods as if she's known everything since the beginning. "Why?" Is all I can bring myself to say looking back to him. He steps away again becoming the cold and distant man he's become. He waves Howard over who makes his way across the rest of the room. He hands me one of his envelopes. "You can't even bring yourselves to explain what I'd be doing?" I say in disbelief. "I won't go back. I can't and I won't. " I almost raise my voice but I remember that there's nothing to be angry about just more sadness. I sniff and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry sir but I cannot accept." I stand up straight and give back the papers. I can't read my father' expression but Howard is clenching his jaw as if he's angry. I flash the tiniest smile at them and then turn. I can feel the tears returning as I turn away. I bring up my wrist to wipe them away as I reach the stairs. I let my hand fall behind me and it's caught by Howard. 

"You know the guys are heading out tomorrow... We found the last base... Well actually you and Peggy did. Point is a lot of good guys are gonna die tomorrow."

"Is that supposed to make me want to go back?" I say turning. 

"Please." He says stepping on the same step as me. He looks behind to make sure my father didn't follow. "You'd be working for me, in a private lab separated from the SSR. I just said you'd be back as an agent for a cover so that so your dad would let me talk to you." I think about how good it would be working again but then I remember that Bucky won't be there. I sigh. 

"No. Howard I can't." He doesn't say a word, just lets go of my hand leaving one envelope in it. His face is blank for once in his life as he lets me go. I thank him without words instead with a nod.

He breaks his straight face. "Take care of yourself Eve." He says with a remorseful smile. He turns and walks straight for the front door. My grip gets tighter as the front door closes. I glance down at it. It's addressed to me with confidential stamped across it. It feels weird to have intel again. Acceptance crosses my mind for just a second before I realize that I won't ever be able to do the job again. I know that I'd be able to handle it, i'd just handle it very differently than I should. I would turn into the girl I was running through an ablaze base and a wintry forest... Killing and asking no questions before or after. I can't lose myself, I won't cause the deaths of anymore soldiers or innocent people. 

I climb the rest of the stairs and push open the door to my room. Somehow I find my way to the window seat where Bucky told me everything would be okay that morning of the Pearl Harbor attack. I hug my legs to my chest and study the envelope more. Curiosity gets the best of me so I slowly start to tare it open. I start to slide the the paper out but then stop myself suddenly. I shake my head. The war took everything I'm not going back. I toss the paper into my trash bin and then sit at my vanity. In a tear stained pile is a stack of letters from James and notes from Steve dated all the way back to school. My old necklace from my father sits in a little ball in the corner as well. In one hand I pick them all up and with shaking hands dump them into the trash as well.

All that's left is my ring... I study it for a few moments reliving the moments between us. The day I found out he liked me back, the night he carried me halfway across the city after I sprained my ankle on the ice, the night under the stars. Even more vivid is his smile and his laugh, the way he would spontaneously grab my hand and pull me closer to him. I start to wiggle it off as his words echo in my head... He promised me he'd marry me someday. I think about leaving it on but It's just another promise needing to be broken. There was more lies in our relationship than either of us knew about and that's okay because somehow it worked. I take it the rest of the way off, but instead of throwing it away I toss it into a drawer. My hand rests on the handle for only a moment before I slam it shut.

It feels final now that the last strand left of him has been torn away. Maybe it's what I need maybe not, but the bitterness inside me is taking root and I don't know how to handle it.