Falling For The Jerk...

Chapter 31 - Missing You

Chapter 31:

ASHLEYS POV:

Another night with Chris. Another jolt of pain and tears. I turn in the double bed and stare at the white wall. Chris's loud snoring was so loud. I sigh and quietly lift the duvet of me, getting out of the bed. I tiptoe across the white carpeted floor, and turn around to see if Chris noticed but he was still snoring, dead to the world.

I had to get out of here, I needed to go somewhere where I could think.

I grab my black jacket, wallet and keys from the drawers and turn towards the bedroom door.

Having no sleep sucked. I turn the knob on the door and pray that the door didn't make that squeaky noise it always seemed to make. Sucking in breath, I wait, slowly turning the door. 

Luckily it didn't and smiling to myself, I get out of the room. I put my shoes on at the front of the hallway and put my jacket on. Damn, its gonna be freezing outside. 

 I step out of the house where I hated. My own personal hell.

If Chris woke up and found me gone, he'd kill me. Literally. Whenever he comes home from the pub, he always screams my name, once through the door, thinking I've left. I wish I could. I always have to show him my face once he does, otherwise he'd slap me and tell me I'm a fucking idiot after not seeing me for 1 minute. 

The cold air slapped me across the face as I get out and I squint through the darkness of the night but I could still see the gorgeous bike parked at the front of the house, it was like there was a halo on top of it, shining with its glory. 

Just seeing the mechanical vehicle in front of me, makes me grin with excitement. Chris's motorbike.

Chris gave me a spare set of his keys for his bike, a long time ago, I think he even forgot he gave it to me. A long time ago, when I first set foot here, it seemed like a million years ago but Chris used to actually teach me how to ride his motorbike and I fucking loved it. 

The adrenaline mixed with slight fear was the most exhilarating feeling I've felt in a long time. 

I get on and stroke the metallic surface, smiling to myself. God, its been 2 years since I last rode on you. 

Pushing the keys through the key hole, I turn it and the motorbike rums into life. I hope Chris doesn't hear it. I look up at the window of our bedroom and see no sort of movement through the pale curtains.

The wind blows my hair in front of my eyes and I push it out of the way, marveling at the curvy structure of the bike. Okay baby, its time to roll. 

I put my hands on the handles and turn it, the bike rums again, I do it one more time for extra measures and it makes a louder noise. Slamming my foot on the accelerator, I turn the bike and ride onto the road. 

Fast and furious, this bike was. 

Now I needed to go to the place where I haven't went in years, the place where my loudest laughs and giggles were heard, the place where I was shown to because that person trusted me with all his heart.

My eyes water and I use one arm to wipe furiously at it. I don't ever want to seem weak, crying was a weakness. I should never have cried when I saw him in the storage room. I should never have ran away from him. I should never have left him. I should never have said yes to Chris.

But the thing I regret the most is, not being able to say what I really thought. I should have said I loved him. I LOVE HIM. I love Caden. 

I wish I had the nerve to bring myself to tell him that. 

~~

Remembering the way by heart, I curve through the twisty complicated roads. Finally I end up in the dead deserted place, with trees crowding it and a tiny step way, you could see in the midst of some trees.

I get of the bike, wipe my self down, and turn the engine off. I take of my helmet and slowly walk up the step way. Remembering, the last time I was here, I was with Caden. 

I take my shoes off and set on foot through the trail way. Feeling the soft earth beneath my toes was like heaven and the memories were rushing through my head. 

The trail way was still as pretty as ever, but the flower petals were gone and the leaves were green as it was just the start of spring. 

I loved the feeling of soil underneath me. I bend down and cup a handful of clean soil and throw it into the air, watching it fall like beads of tiny black balls.

My laugh echoes through the woods and I abruptly stop and close my mouth. I hadn't smiled in years, I couldn't suddenly start now.

I walk up till the full trees start clearing and get a great view of green luscious grass. Walking up the hill, another group of memories bash me in the head, making my eyes water again. Why do I feel like crying? Why do I miss the feeling of falling for the jerk? The sweet, ego-maniacal jerk whom I loved so much.

I shake my head and wipe my eyes again with my arm. I walk slowly up the hill and sit at the top, letting the wind frizz my hair up and ball my hands into fists. Willing the tears to stay in and the memories to leave my messed up head.

I squeeze my eyes shut and finally let the memories stay where they were. They wouldn't leave. Stubborn ass memories.

His face came into my view as I finally open my eyes. Caden, he was here? I try reaching my arms out, I try grabbing him but he was gone. Just like that and I all I could see was the dewy night. What was that? Why did I see him? What's happening to me?

He was smiling, he was smiling when I saw him. Was he smiling at me? Does that mean he's not mad at me for leaving him? For running away? Or does that just make me crazy for seeing him, even though he wasn't there?

His eyes were the first thing that caught my attention, his beautiful blue eyes that was the darkest shade of blue. His hair was darker, slightly black and it was shorter than before but it was still in his eyes. His face was paler, more tired and his features were sharp, his jaw curved along the sides of his face, his nose slightly slanted but straight. His lips...looked so soft. Like it was waiting to be kissed. He'd grown up, he was 21 now. But he was still my Caden. My stupid lovable Caden.

What if he doesn't look like that now, what if that's just the way I want him to look like? What if he's got a girlfriend? A wife? What if he's got children? 

My heart burns just thinking about him with someone else. I want to be in his arms. I want to lie in his bed and have his arm around me, my head on his shoulder, him kissing my head. Us, watching re-runs of Simpsons in his room. Laughing and grinning. Happy Ash.

Now all that was left, was miserable useless Ashley.

I look up to see the bright round moon shining above me, lying my back against the grass, I look up again. It was so beautiful and it was lucky. All the moon had to do was come out at night, go out at sunrise and show off its luminous light. 

 Averting my thoughts, I didn't want to think about him. He probably moved on, he's probably much happier now that I've gone.

He's probably happy.

For the first time that night, I let the tears fall down my face and they kept coming. All through the night.