Misused & Abused

Desperado Thoughts

When I'm to myself I tend to think upon the events that has happened in my life. I'm starting to experience things that I've never experienced or thought of in my life. As days go by I tend to get more and more terrified and I don't know why. Maybe because the thought of Chris putting his hands on me again triggered my mind like an alarm. That one alarm that doesn't seem to come with a turn off snooze button. I have forgiven Chris for the things he did to me but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. There just doesn't seem to be anything here for me anymore.  At one point I thought about leaving with Royalty and moving somewhere in the UK away from my family and Chris. I don't want my daughter to grow up and have to be involve with me and Chris fights. That's no way for a child to grow up and see. I don't hate Chris one bit I just can't stand his ways towards me. It's like a light switch runs his mind a lot. When the switch is on he wants to violently assault me and beat me to the point I'm to sore to even defend myself. The minute the switch is off he has no idea what happened and why I'm left sitting in front of him with my face swollen and my eyes nearly shut closed. No I don't ever question him about it cause I'm afraid of him snapping on me and hitting me again. Just like the night he came over to see the baby he grabbed me with both of his hands tight around my neck, to the point I was feeling nauseous. Losing myself and fighting to breathe before he let go roughly and stepped back away from me. When he is that way I never looked him in his eyes. Not one time in my life did I ever look into them. I'm not making it seem like he is a bad man because he isn't at all. He just cant seem to control his anger/ episodes when it gets bad like that. It took me awhile to catch up on it cause I didn't noticed it at first. I never seen him take his pills for it nor do I even know If he even has some to take. I sit back and wonder what the faces of my parents will show when I tell them what has happened to me lately. I really want be mentioning the abuse to them cause I'm not going to be up to talk about it. I rather just keep that between me and Chris to know and no one else. I don't find it wrong for not saying anything I'm doing it to protect them from Chris. If i had of told them what he did Chris would have strike my parents in their home and I don't want that to happen. As for Blake I don't really know anymore. Word on the street he has been talking about, saying that he misses me and wants me back. I doubt if that is even true. The last time me and him spoke was the night we argued about him not being the father of Royalty. Can only imagine what he is telling his friends and family. Especially his friend Nikki who always said shit about me to get him to believe it when the shit wouldn't even be true at all. Like tf is she even so stuck on me and trying to ruin the relationship that me and him shared. But ofc he never came to me and asked me if it was true or not. He was the type to hear something or someone and believe and be all sad and shit bout it. I never understood why he did shit like that. If Chris had a friend that told him some shit the way Nikki ruin her damn mouth about me to Blake, Chris would have been asked me privately is this true cause someone told me. I thank God for not making Chris like that at all. Friends can fuck up shit cause they want what you have. They don't want to see you happy because they see the next person hurting them. Fuck that shit if they was real enough to see you doing something with your life they wouldn't  try to break up or ruin anything. That's why I'm just going to stop talking to his ass. I refuse to talk to him while he run to his friends and talk shit about me behind my back. I notice when I got on Instagram he had unfollowed me. I didn't really care that he did that just showed me how a big of a bitch he was being. We was never dating when I met Chris so I don't see why he is even mad about it. Maybe cause I didn't tell him straight up. Oh well.

................................................................................................................................................................Too Be Continued...