Misused & Abused

Dark vibes

It's 2:00 am and I'm still awake. Having even gotten any sleep since I've been out the hospital, which I know is not a good thing for me or for the baby. It's just that I got so much going on all at once that I can't even close my eyes and fall asleep. This is starting to be very for me. I could just be making it hard on myself but I doubt if that's even the case at all. Im sure Chris is probably still up to. Takes him a while to fall asleep. He stays up thinking a lot about God knows what. I rather not even know what he is thinking about. I'm not saying he could be thinking about hitting me again. Just speaking in general form. I worried about him. Is I'm wrong for feeling this way. It's just bothers me that he hits on women when he is mad. Well at least me and his baby mama. He never mention about hitting other women besides me and her but if he does I wouldn't be surprised at. I would probably start shaking again like I did yesterday evening when he was taking me to the hospital. Never knew he could make a person nerve turn to calm into a complete wrecking ball. Now I'm feeling Dark vibes 🍃💨beginning to form around me. I never smoked in my life but nights like this, I wish I did. But I'm pregnant still and can't afford to risk any health problems for Royal or me. I love her to death to even try to inhale drugs into my body and into hers. Than for sure Chris would beat my ass Fr. Luckily that will never happen again I hope cause I'm not up for another episode of Chris is my worst nightmare. No matter how crazy he is I still love him. Does that make me crazy cause I love him. I don't even know the answer to that question at all but you kinda already know my answer anyway. I mean it's not even that I know I do things that pisses him off, but half of the time he doesn't even tell me. All he does is yell at me and starts throwing punches at my face. Massive physical punches. Like the ones you would see Mike Tyson give his opponents when you knew he ain't played no damn games. With no fuckin nobody. No matter how big, how tall, how fat or how skinny you are. You was getting an ass beating of a life time. I sometimes wish I could call up Wes and talk to him about how life's being going for me but I don't think he would answer me. I know Chris doesn't like him. Cause he would always throw that's why he didn't want your ass in my face. To be honest that hurt my damn feelings. Cause I know that shit wasn't true but I'm so damn sensitive and believe it anyway. And let it get nothing but the best of me. Only because I knew Chris didn't mean what he said to me about Wes. Wes is a really amazing guy to me. He was my first love and my last love. No matter who he dates I'm still gonna be in love with me, but that doesn't mean my love for Chris is over. Cause it's not. Wes knows I still care and love Chris. That doesn't mean that he is gonna stop talking to me or even being around with me. Wes and I had broken up 4 days before I got pregnant and got back with him. I haven't ever told Wes that this baby isn't his baby. He doesn't even noticed I'm pregnant yet but wait until he sees how big I am. That's when he is gonna wanna know who the father is. As bad as I don't want to tell him he isn't the father of Royal will not be easy. Wes hate being lied to and if I don't tell him now and wait later it's gonna heart him. We currently engaged and is set to get married on Valentine's Day 💍🔐❤️ but from the looks of it I want be walking down the aisle. When the truth comes out that he isn't the father. He is gonna be hurt. How can a woman like be so scared to tell her fiancé that he isn't the father. It just doesn't seem like a easy job for me to do. I really hope Wes doesn't take this to heart. I want him to hear me out on this. I didn't cheat on him cause we were never together when I got pregnant. So how bad can this be. But who am I to talk when I can't even pick up the phone and tell Wes about it. Wes works a lot on the road appearing at live shows and events. So I do be wanting to interfere in him working on his duties. My cuddle bear 🐻❤️ is the loml 7.25.15- future and I don't ever want to let him go. But looks like we are gonna be falling apart💔😔. No one knows how bad this hurts right now. I love this man but I'm suffering through tough times cause I could lose him at any second. I don't regret having sex with Chris. I admit I wanted to have his baby. Only because I was so mad and upset with Wes. Cause he would have come at me and say it's not you its me and I think we should just date other people. I need time to myself for a while. Like you have got to be kidding me. This can't be happening. I cried and cried and cried all night cause I'm trying so hard to make it with him, but he isn't giving me an opportunity to do that. What am I even waiting for if he is constantly still hurting me. If he doesn't want to marry me, why he just want say that than. Instead of making me look lonely and sad all by myself. I normally call him John but from what I'm hearing from his friends, he likes being called Wes. Than Wes it is. He comes home tomorrow and I'm so excited to see my cuddle bear 🐻❤️ home. I've missed him so much and can't wait to tell him about everything. I know that it's gonna hurt him when I tell him this baby isn't his, but I think I'm gonna wait to tell him. I can't see him heartbroken💔. Than I'll be broken to 💔😔