only once, hayes grier

confused

recaps:
he approached me and i lowered my head again. a few seconds later, he gently took my chin with his fingers and climbed up to him. my heart was beating extremely fast, at the same time i wanted to cry, but hayes like every time removed this enormous load  of pain just by being near me.

he putted his arms around my neck on my shoulder and hold on tight for a long moment. i later put my arms around him, turn my head so that my right cheek is on his chest.

"it's not your fault ly, it is so not your fault" he keeps saying rubbing my back. why is he the one acting like that when he just has been cheated on.

i step back, letting him and putting both of my hands on my head. i'm am just so confuse.

should i tell him. should i tell hayes how i feel, how he makes me feel? how could i? no i can't. i don't know how, i don't even know what my feelings are anymore. of course i love him. but i just feel so bad because of him and leila, it's just my fault, and for real.

i do not know what to do and it is disturbing me a lot. it is so annoying.

"this isn't changing anything between us" he states after i stepped back.

"of course it is" i tell and made my way to the bed. i sat down on mine and hayes followed me. "leila wasn't wrong hayes" i continue.

"what?" he was so confuse. i am also. my heart is racing. why am i doing that.

"look hayes i'm the worst at starting conversation and shit but i guess i need to tell you something..." i stop. he was just listening. "i- i think i might like you, a lot.. but i'm so scared that loving you was the only thing i've ever been good at and i couldn't even do that right" the last sentence came out of my mouth, all alone, and very quickly. i did not even want to raise my head to look at his reaction but deep inside of me, that's what i wanted the most. so i did.

the second that followed this moment was probably the longest and the most confusing of my life since hayes quickly went on the bed, he laid his hand on my cheek and the other cushioned the fall. as he made ourself falling on the bed, his eyes traveled my lips and i began to get butterflies in my stomach. his lips landed on mine and he never broke the kiss.

can someone tell me what the hell is going on.

i didn't want to because of her but did it anyway, i kiss him back. ok i have no words, does that means he loves me back. don't say that kimberly that is not true. what the fuck is happening.

ok look, i know hayes is such a fuckboy and shit but why the hell is he doing this to me. i am so confuse.

hayes chuckled and his smile was just amazing. wait wait wait, am i a fucking rebound. i am so stupid, and idiot and ugh why me.

"hum i- shouldn't have said that"

"why not" he asks smiling like a jerk and chuckles again. he's so cute i swear.

i giggled at my turn, not knowing what to say. his face was 2 inches near mine, i don't know how to feel right now

he still was on the top of me but then turn to be by my side. he kindly moved some hair that was on my face and said:

"it's been a long time" and at first i didn't know what he was talking about. "i guess i like you too" he then says. oh shit.

"that is so not a good idea, hayes you just have been cheated on, you don't like me.." i whisper.

"it's impossible to not like you kimberly" i wish i could turn back time, only 5 minutes ago. i don't know what to say.

"but hayes, you're not with her since 10 minutes, you can't do that"

"what if i do" he tells and his eyes went over my lips and again,  he lays down his lips on mine.

...
chap18