only once, hayes grier

facetime

i removed the more blood i could and all the memories of me doing that last year came back. i hate it, it's just like i had no control on myself, like i didn't want to do it but a part of myself did.

why did i did this oh god i was almost one year clean. last year, i was doing that because of how ugly i was, how fat i thought i was and shit. i still think that but it's better now. i made myself have a flat stomach and a gap between the tighs. i still loose weights but less than before.

people were asking what i did to be like that i told them i wasn't doing anything, that i was just, growing up. but what i ate in a day was more like an apple. i tried a lot of diet that worked like the apple one, the salad one, i never eat dessert or bread, i walked a lot, i run a lot, i play soccer and i am happy with it.

when my sister discovered the scars on my arms and stomach, she told my mom and i saw a psycologist, a nutricionist, i took some medicine every day for almost five month, and it passed. i had my best friends that was always there for me, hayes and aiden.

i didn't have so much followers and supporters i now have on instagram but mostely tumblr, because my parents don't know i have an account so they don't check what i'm saying or posting. that's why i am really more active on tumblr and have 18k of followers. what i wanted to say is that the people on tumblr helped me a lot too.

i'll admit that i'm a little depressive on that and it's why a lot of people can relate. 

at 11:30 i was really bored to be on my phone and i told myself i would text someone if one of my friends were online.

christian. we use to text each other a lot and i was telling him gossip and things about me and he was doing the same. he's really close to aiden and michaels so he always had something funny to say about them.

me: hey wyd:)

christian: nothing much hbu:)

me: nothing, can i call you i can't sleep

chrisitan: wait 3 minutes ok

5 minutes later.

me: lets go turtle, answer

christian: lol i'll facetime you rn

i returned in my room, going under the blankets and sheets, in pyjama.

"hey what's up" he starts, i could see his head with his hoodie only, that was kinda funny.

"i don't really know to be honest"

"why not"

"i can't even find out myself"

¨you looked alright at school?¨

¨yeah, i don't know, anyways, how are you¨ in the dark, christian couldn't see my red face, covered of tears so that was great and happily, i didn't have that rush crying voice so that's great too.

"im great, do you have some gossip, girl!" he says.

"but do you have one also because that's not free, it's the biggest gossip you'll ever hear"

"i have one yeah, go first"

"no, you go first, maybe yours won't be as important as mine and i really can't tell you"

"mkay but you need to shut your big mouth about it"

"i don't have a big mouth, i'm offended now" i tell and he laughs. "ok go"

"aiden loves someone" no shit.

"nooo, he would have told me shut up christian" i tell him and laugh.