only once, hayes grier

deep talks

we finally stop.

"i'm so sorry, i'm so so sorry" i keep repeating him for no ass reasons. i just feel really sorry.

"why are you sorry"

"i'm so selfish, i don't know why you came here, i don't know why you give a fuck about me and why you keep acting like you enjoy being with me" that come out alone wow.

"you're so not selfish, ly i love you okay, i'll always do, you'll always be the best thing that ever happened to me"

"stop, i don't deserve that"

"you deserve everything"

"why are you so sweet with me when i'm just being so horrible"

"stop saying bad shit about you"

"i'm so sorry, please go home and forget about me" i was being serious.

"you're saying that for me or for you?"

"i'm saying that because i don't deserve you, you don't need a person like me in your life, i'm just taking some times you could use for a lot more things"

"yo ly, what are you not understanding? i love you ok, you are an extraordinary human, i love you with all my heart since the first time i saw you, i hope you'll realize one day that you are more important for me then you think you are" he is acting like a dad with a crying baby oh god.

"i love you too" oh and when we say we love each others, it's just love as friends.

"pf, like i could leave you, you're funny kimberly " he says and hugs me again. i'm such a baby what the fuck.

we both lay down on my bed, talking about each others, his girlfriend, i said the thing about aiden and all that little school gossip.

"ly?" he restarts saying after a hole minute of silence. i tough he was sleeping.

"hm?"

"i have a serious question" that's probably going to be really dumb haha.

"go for it"

"did you ever just, think of cutting yourself like some people do?" oh shit, that is seriously deep. and i don't like this question. should i lie? i open my eyes as soon as he finishes his question. what the hell. why is he asking.

"why are you asking"

"just to know, did you?"

"no" i tell on a fake tone.

"are you sure" he tells and i didn't answered. they say not answering is also an answer. "kimberly ?" he says turning himself face to me.

"what do you want me to say"

"the truth"

"yes"

"you thought about it?"

"no"

"no what"

"i did it"

"yesterday" he says. Only with that word, my heart got tighten and I really feel bad. I close my eyes really tightly hoping it was only a dream but when I open them, only a tear fell on my cheek. It was not a dream. "i saw your arm when you came" my heart stops.

"don't tell anybody" is the only thing that came out.

"why, why are you doing this to you kimberly " he continues but his voice was weird, like a bit sad.

"i- i don't know" i whisper.

"you don't know why you are hurting yourself, that makes no sense"

"do you know what makes no sense? my life, my life makes no sense, i don't know if i'm in love with someone but what i surely know is that he is completely in love but, not with me, my sister and parents are the most annoying thing, aiden loves me and that makes no sense, my mind is fucked up, my heart is and just as my ass life" i rush it all one shot. 

"how can someone not be in love with you come on, everyone is" he says so chill.

"never mind"

"no i'm serious, who's the guys, i'll wake him up because look at you and tell me how someone couldn't be in love with you" he repeats at the end.

"where do you want me to start? my face?" i said not even joking, i hate my self.

"listen, if someone is too stupid to not wake up about you and your beauty, and personality, he just doesn't deserve you" he tells, how if he knew.

"thanks hayes, i love you a lot" i mean it.

"me too" he tells and give me a kiss on the forehead which gave me goosebumps.

"can i see?" he asks after an other two minutes of no one talking.

"see what?"

"your arm" he finally says and i hesitate. i sat down from under the blankets and he sat too. i show up my sleeve and he takes his phone to light it up with the flashlight.

at first i looked at his reaction: big eyes, surprise, of  course lots things travelling in his mind and sadness. he was sad about it and i could feel it, by his face but more by the look he gave me after that. i never want him to look at me again like that, with pity.

i then look at my arm, was it that bad? i had two band-aid to hide the biggest one but still, we could see at least 10 scratches and scars only from last night. i was really into it.  oh my god kimberly, stop.

"please, stop" he only tells me.

"i didn't know what i was doing, i became anxious for no fucking reason and i didn't know what to do. i tried to stop but i couldn't"

"of course you can, i'm here, i love you and i'll stay with you" he states and smiles a little, just to make me smile also. that work, his smile is contagious.

it was late, i wanted and needed to sleep. it was 0:49 with all of that talking. i kinda love it and like it if we could makes it a tradition like before. we use to watch tv together and leave for our parents to think we were actually. but we reunited after they were both asleep. we watch the hole hush and scream seasons doing that.

i went under the blankets, and he did the same. he was going to sleep with me for that night. i started thinking, while he was with her girlfriend, he kept calling me babe, just as a joke haha we hate this name, we kept seeing each other in the night, we was coming here just to see me for a minute like the goodnight kiss, and all this time, he was dating leila.

...
chap 10