Chapter Fifty Three
I sit outside the hospital, out of the way of the comings and goings of other people, just staring at the floor.
I believe Cheryl when she says she never meant for anything like this to happen. I believe she never meant to kiss Kate. Images of every single second of happiness we have shared is flashing through my mind and I don’t believe she would intentionally hurt me. And with what I know about her previous relationship I don’t believe she would go out of her way and cheat, I just don’t.
But the thought of Kate eating, drinking, going out with her… touching her… hurting her… is driving me insane. The old me, the me of a few months ago, would probably be screaming, or laying into a wall, or lashing out at some random passer-by. And even though it’s all happening inside me, I just sit on the cold concrete, in the dark, doing nothing.
My phone is in my hands. I don’t know exactly why, but I need to speak to someone besides Cheryl.
Are you awake? X
I send the text and half-laugh at myself; I never would have thought I’d want to speak to this person about anything ever again. How times change…
My phone starts ringing less than a minute later.
‘Hello?’
‘Kimberley? Is everything alright?’
I smile at the same time that tears fill my eyes. ‘Hi mum…’
‘Hi darling, are you ok?’
‘N-not really… how are you? Are you well?’
‘I’m fine sweetheart, what’s the matter?’
I look around, shrink further back into the darkness, hiding myself from view. With one last look around I tell her everything that’s happened tonight.
‘You need to call the police love.’
‘Th-they’re with Cheryl now. We’re at the hospital, they’re talking to her.’
‘Why aren’t you with her?’
‘I – b-because, I--’
‘Kimberley you should be with her.’ She says gently. ‘I know this is hard for you as well love but Cheryl needs you to be there for her.’
‘B-but she kissed her, mum.’ I sob.
‘I know… look, you know her better than I do sweetheart, she mustn’t have been in the right frame of mind to do something like that, and she seems to love you so much. And whatever happened before, she never asked for this Kimberley. She must have been very scared tonight, and she’s all alone.’
The thought of Cheryl alone and afraid makes me feel physically sick.
‘Go back to her Kimberley. And phone me whenever you want to, alright?’
‘…Thanks mum.’
‘You’re welcome sweetheart, take care alright?’
I nod, then realise she’s only on the phone, and just say, ‘Love you mum.’
**
When I get back, the officers are just leaving Cheryl’s room. The woman smiles when she sees me.
‘Hi… is she alright, what’s happening?’
‘We’ve taken a statement… Cheryl’s going to come to the station tomorrow morning for evidence--’
‘Evidence?’
‘We need to examine her… and take a good look at her injuries.’
‘…I see.’
‘Were you at the scene?’
‘Y-yes… sort of, I was out… I came home and she was there…’
‘We’re going to need a statement off you as well then Miss Walsh.’
I don’t ask how she knows my name. I just want to end this conversation. ‘Would it be alright if I spoke to someone tomorrow? When I bring Cheryl to the station?’
**
I knock before opening the door. Cheryl is curled up in the corner of the bed, clutching the huge white pillow. She seems to have stopped crying, but she looks awful, and she’s shaking.
She slowly turns her head to me, and her chin starts quivering.
I make my way around the bed, sit down. Cheryl never takes her eyes off me, turning her body slowly towards me.
‘I don’t hate you Cheryl.’ I whisper.
‘You should.’ She mutters, averting her eyes from me. ‘You should, but I didn’t mean to hurt you Kimba, I love you.’
‘Babe… look at me.’
I open my arms and pull Cheryl into me as gently as possible. ‘There’s some things I need to say and things we need to talk about… but not yet, and definitely not tonight, you’ve been through enough tonight. Alright?’
Cheryl nods, little sobs coming out of her. I kiss the top of her head, closing my eyes so I don’t cry too; she needs me to be strong for her.
‘I’m so sorry Cheryl I had no idea what she was like, I never meant this to happen…’
I clench my jaw, putting all my energy into not crying. Cheryl clutches at my top, her fist curling around the material.
‘Don’t, Kimba, please don’t say you’re sorry I can’t deal with that, don’t…’
‘Sshhh… it’s ok. Let me take you home… d’you want to go home?’
‘Y-yes. Please.’
**
When we finally get back to the flat, Cheryl just stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, as if she doesn’t know what to do with herself.
‘Cheryl? D’you want a cuppa babe?’
Cheryl shakes her head. ‘I just wanna get out of these clothes… and go to bed.’
I gently take her hands and guide her to the bedroom; she doesn’t look capable of doing it herself. Once in there I grab her some fresh pyjamas. ‘D’you want me to help you?’
Cheryl quickly bows her head, like she’s ashamed, but I’ve seen her tears.
‘Hey… babe don’t cry… please, don’t cry. I’ll help you, ok? It’s alright.’
A few minutes later, I tuck Cheryl into bed and kneel next to her, caressing her hair. ‘There we go… you’re alright babe, nothing’s gonna hurt you. I promise.’
‘W-will you stay with us?’
‘I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, ok?’
For a second, Cheryl looks positively heartbroken at the thought that I’ll leave her once she’s asleep. But she tries to smile, and closes her eyes. I think she understands.
I wait until I am sure Cheryl is asleep, then go outside and stand on the balcony. It’s cold, but I don’t care.
I stand there until the sun starts to come up, then finally decide to move, and go and check on Cheryl. She’s exactly how I left her, which relieves me. I go to the kitchen, fill the kettle, then just stand there.
My boss, Kate. Came into my home and tried to hurt my girl. And not for the first time. Kate, my friend, someone I trusted, kissing my girlfriend, touching her, biting her…
I sit down on the kitchen floor, in the corner between the fridge and the table, and burst into tears, sobbing my heart out until my throat burns and my eyes sting and my heart aches beyond belief.
**
When I eventually go back to the bedroom, Cheryl is awake, sat on the edge of the bed. I can see the pain in her eyes when she sees me, sees how obvious it is that I’ve been crying.
If I thought it was impossible for any tears to be left in me, then I was wrong.
The bite marks on Cheryl’s neck stand out much more now, in the cold light of day. She’s wearing an old, faded shirt, but I know there will be similar marks on her shoulder. Maybe more in other places. Her bottom lip is slightly purple, the harsh red split in the corner sticking out a mile.
‘I can’t go.’ She whispers. ‘I can’t go today, I can’t do it.’
I expected this. The thought of her having to relive it all for the police, them wanting ‘evidence’… its tearing me apart, so I can’t imagine how she must be feeling.
I kneel on front of her and take her hands. ‘Yes you can, Cheryl. You have to. Look… the quicker we go, the quicker we can come back and it’ll all be over, and I’ll be right there with you, ok?’
Cheryl’s bottom lip tarts trembling and she shakes her head. Her voice cracked and full of tears, she says, ‘Why’re you still here? After wh-what I told you? H-how can you stand the sight of us?’
‘…Because that’s a different issue that we can deal with when all this other sh!t is out of the way. Until then, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone and there’s no way I’ll let you go through this alone. Alright?’
Cheryl doesn’t answer. She’s looking at me in a way she’s never looked at me before.
After a long silence I jerk my head towards the bathroom. ‘Let’s go and get a shower, yeah?’
‘I can’t.’
‘I’ll help you, I won’t leave you alone. Come on, babe. Hold my hand.’
I wait for the shower to get hot then turn back to Cheryl, stood there, numb and staring. Wordlessly I step towards her and help her undress as gently as I can. ‘Tell me if I hurt you.’ I say, but Cheryl doesn’t say a word.
I quickly undress myself and guide her to the shower, stepping in after her.
‘You don’t have to do this Kimberley.’ Cheryl says, her voice monotone, emotionless.
‘It’s ok, Chez… close your eyes. Put your head back… it’s ok.’
As I wash Cheryl’s hair and gently lather her body, I let my tears mingle with the water cascading over the both of us, my jaw clenched tightly a huge lump in my throat. I can’t break. Not now.
But I also can’t stop my eyes fixating on the bite marks on her shoulder, now swollen and bruised just like her neck. I can’t help but focus on the scratches down her arm, the dark welts adorning her wrists, and the small yet deep, slightly curved, cuts on her stomach, her hip and her thigh. I close my eyes tightly as the mental image of Kate gouging her nails into Cheryl’s skin flashes through my mind. I swallow hard, trying desperately to fight the urge to throw up.
I spend the rest of the morning getting Cheryl dried and dressed, as slowly as possible. I’m so scared of hurting her, or touching her somewhere that hurts her or scares her. But she notices as I do up the buttons on her blouse.
‘Babe… you don’t have to treat us like glass you know. I’m not gonna break.’
‘I know… I’m sorry.’
‘No it’s ok… look, you don’t have to come with us.’
I stand back a little, raise my eyebrows. ‘What?’
‘You don’t have to come with us, I get it if you don’t wanna come--’
‘You want to go by yourself?’ I say, a little more harshly than I mean to.
‘I just--’
‘Cheryl, do you really want to go by yourself?’
She shakes her head slowly.
‘Right, then that’s that sorted. I know this is hard for a lot of reasons but please don’t push me away. Let’s go and get in the car yeah?’
**
We don’t get home until mid-afternoon. We’ve both given statements and Cheryl had to go in a room on her own to be examined. They’ve taken pictures. She looks as exhausted as I feel, and I am about to suggest that she tries to have a nap, but she takes my hand and sits me down next to her.
‘We need to talk.’
‘We don’t need to talk now babe, it’s--’
‘No, Kimberley I need to… I need you to know how sorry I am…’ she raises her hand to my face but I lean back, and she drops her hand.
‘Why?’ I whisper. Cheryl bows her head and I let go of her hand.
‘Come on, Cheryl… at least have the nerve to look at me, please.’
She raises her head, tears swimming in her eyes. I can’t stand this, partly because I hate seeing her upset, but partly because it’s making it so much harder to be angry with her. And I am angry. I’m heartbroken. And she's the one who wanted to do this. She was the one who wanted to talk.
‘Tell me why.’
‘I don’t know why.’ She sniffs.
‘You said you didn’t initiate it, but at first you didn’t stop it, and I want to know why you didn’t stop it.’
‘I--’
‘How long did it take you to stop it?’
‘Kimber--’
‘Tell me.’
‘I – I dunno… less than a minute? Not long… I’m sorry babe, please… you have to understand, I never really wanted it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I’d had quite a bit to drink--’
‘Cheryl for God’s sake, say what you like but don’t patronise me with the “I was drunk” excuse I can’t stand it.’
‘No, that’s not what I’m saying…’ Cheryl groans helplessly. ‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘Then say what you mean… I need to try and understand.’
‘I don’t know.’ Cheryl cries. ‘I’m sorry, I just don’t know… sometimes things just happen… and after I stopped it and got away from her I felt physically sick, I just… I can’t explain because I don’t know. I can’t tell you what I was thinking because I wasn’t.’
Despite me moving away from her and breaking physical contact, Cheryl reaches for my hand again, grasping it very tightly so I don’t pull away, looking right into my eyes. ‘I would never, ever intentionally cheat on you… I couldn’t cheat on anyone, I just couldn’t do it--’
‘But you did.’ I interrupt, unable to bear her saying that any longer.
‘Kimba, I’m--’
‘Don’t.’ I let go of her hand again. ‘I know you never asked for what happened last night, and I’m so, so sorry for that--’
‘It’s not your fault Ki--’
‘But you must understand how I feel.’ I whisper. I tried not to cry but I’ve failed, and now the tears run freely down my cheeks. ‘The whole time I was out there, missing you, and wanting you so much… but every second convincing myself it was right… I did all that for you, the whole time I spent there was to get better for you… and you were here kissing her.’
‘Kimberley…’ Cheryl slides onto her knees in front of me. ‘It wasn’t like that, it was one kiss.. listen to me. I instantly regretted it, and I never set out to do it, I just thought of her as a friend and I was glad of that, I was glad something else was keeping us occupied cos I was missing you so much, she obviously picked up on that and used it against us… if I thought for one second anything like that would happen I would never have spoken to her again. I didn’t mean for it to happen, Kimberley you have to believe me…’
I watch her, sat in front of me, crying, begging.
‘I do believe you.’ I say. ‘But I… I can’t get it out of my head, and… the least you could have done was tell me right from the start… even when I first came home. You could’ve told me then.’
Cheryl nods, agreeing with me. ‘I know, I’ve handled it really badly.’
‘I need to go for a walk.’ I stand up but Cheryl grabs my wrist. ‘No, Kimba please we--’
‘Cheryl, I need to go for a walk.’ I repeat calmly.
‘Where?’
‘I don’t know, I need to think.’
‘You can think here.’ Cheryl pleads. ‘Don’t go.’
‘I need to think, I need to walk… I might go to Sarah’s… I don’t know, I just need some time.’
Cheryl slowly lets go and backs away from me, falling back onto the sofa. Like she understands, like she can sense I’m at breaking point. I’ve tried so hard to put everything aside to be there for her as best I can, and now I just need some space. I pick up the car keys and head for the door.
‘Kimberley?’
‘What?’
‘I’m sorry, you know that don’t you? I didn’t mean to hurt you, please tell me you know that.’
I just nod and close the door.
It’s time to pay Kate a little visit.
