They Said My Life Was Perfect - Book 1

Chapter 36 - Hayden

I can't stop thinking about it all, this fusion of mess I've created with my selfishness and denial to see what's right in front of my eyes. I suppose I could call myself stupid. I've lost such an important friendship, or at least I assume I have. Rayna isn't giving me any insight to whether we are actually friends or not though I'd understand if she doesn't want to be. After everything happened, I've thought a lot about my past actions and I can't say I'm proud of them in any way.

Why? Why am I so stupid?

If I could reverse time and redo everything I would. I wouldn't ask Mia to the dance and would instead bring Rayna, I'd introduce Rayna to my family perhaps as my girlfriend rather then my friend and then this wouldn't be a big issue.

Now I just feel trapped, unable to get out of this cell I've thrown myself into and it is my fault. I can't deny what I have to accept and yet neither do I want to confront it.

I pick up the phone from the side of my bed and contemplate calling her before reconsidering. I suppose it's fear, it's no shock that she's upset and calling will probably bring her anger out on me.

Not that I don't deserve it.

I don't understand what's happened to me. Starting here had been a normal situation for me considering I've done the same thing so many times in the past and every time I've managed to remain as myself. I stayed kind, considerate and open and yet this time, something's changed. I'm not the person I had been, instead becoming arrogant and expectant from others, constantly taking things for granted which I shouldn't have.

I took Rayna for granted, Finn and even Mia. My own family have also being receiving the brunt of my frustration and it's hard not to notice the obvious space between us after we've been fairly close the majority of my life.

It's at this moment that my dad taps lightly on the door and peaks his head round when I don't respond to his soft calls.

'Hayden why are you sitting in the dark?' He asks, the usual concerned expression on his face, lit by the glow of light in the hall. He stalks over to the windows and goes to open the curtains before I stop him. I don't want him to see I've been crying.

He doesn't question my request to leave the curtains drawn but I think he already guesses the reason why anyway. Recently, both Kyra and him have been very careful with the subjects they talk either around or to me, making sure nothing that could be related with Rayna is brought up. I think their censoring makes everything worse and conversation is often awkward and...abnormally normal.

My dad doesn't sit beside me and I know he isn't intending to stay for a long discussion he isn't comfortable with and so, he utters a quick demand. I think it's the only thing he feels he can do without involving himself too much.

'I-I think you should go and knock on her-Finn's house, see if she's in,' He says slowly and though he doesn't mention the name, I know who he's referring to.

He doesn't wait for a response and leaves my room, shutting the door lightly behind him. I stay still for a moment, considering my options before I finally shove my shoes on and grab a jacket, yanking it over my arms as I rush down the stairs, two steps at a time. It's barely been a minute before I'm out of the door.

Finn's house is a good hour away from my own when walking and so the time normally drags without music however this time, even in the silence, it goes by in a blur. All the way I'm trying to think of things to say to her and yet it's useless and I'm left just as clueless as I had been before I'd left the house earlier.

I'm filled with nerves, terrified to whether she'll send me away with one look at me or whether she'll avoid even letting me see her, instead sending Finn to keep me away.