Chills - Z.M (Book 2, Cold Trilogy) -Editing

Chapter 5 - Transcend hell.

Chapter 5

If I was alone, I wouldn't know how to handle this.

James is gone till Saturday and all I have is Amber. Not that I'm complaining but I just want to be alone. I know she's playing the role of being a good friend but I need space. I can't just talk about how I'm feeling every hour. It's like having my own personal shrink. But I pull Amber into a tight embrace, thanking her for being here for me.

She looks at me confused, but smiles. A genuine smile.

"Just call me when you need anything. I'll just tell Ted you're sick." She says.

Sick? I feel worse than sick. I feel debilitated, frail and incurable. I've never felt like this before. I nod and look down at my fingers.

"Keep the doors locked okay? Back door, front door. Even the windows closed."

"Yes." I mumble under my breath.

"I'll see you when I get back. I love you. Have some ice cream. There should be some chocolate too. It usually helps me." She shrugs apologetically, looking as if she has no other remedy to help me.

I nod again and she pouts seemingly pained by my appearance.

"I hope you'll be okay." She whispers before going downstairs and heading out to Java hut. Silence creep over me as i lay back down on my bed, Alone again. Alone to think. Alone to dwell. I never thought being alone could feel so comforting, but so lonely at the same time.

I'm still alive, I think. But I feel dead. I lay here calm but my mind is working overdrive. My stomach churns every minute as I think of our conversation. My heart stops every minute, slowly melting away but managing to linger the pain that i never knew could feel more overbearing than any other pain I've ever felt. It feels like I can't breathe. Everything hurts. I don't want to be around people.

Transcend hell.

I am nowhere near transcending anything. I feel like I am walking through mud to the knees all the time. Normal stuff is almost impossible. Breathing hurts. Eating hurts. Talking to people hurts. I understand why people die from this. If someone told me heartbreak felt like this, I would have avoided having anything to do with Zayn. It feels as if someone has ripped out my heart and just left me abandoned in this house. Nothing but a hollow, empty space in my chest and no one could ever replace it. With such little time, Zayn's had such a huge impact on me and it's gone. All gone, thrown away like it was nothing.

I haven't moved from my bed. I've been here since yesterday, feeling sorry for myself, feeling worthless and forgotten and just having the same heartbreaking scene replayed over and over again. I refuse to get out of bed and Its only been one day. How am i going to feel next week? better? worse? How can I feel any worse than I already do. I'm completely emotionless. No anger, no tears. Complete heart break. No one can ever describe heart break until they've experienced it.

But for a moment, I really thought he hand some kind of feelings for me, that his so called incapability of love was just his way of avoiding intimacy. But maybe he really is incapable of love. All he cares about is himself. He's selfish and manipulative and I was blind, clearly manipulated into this fucked up trial I agreed to have. But besides the dark side he has, I've seen how caring he is. The way he is with his mother, loving and free spirited.

No one has seen that side of Zayn, maybe a few, but just mentioning it to Amber and James and convincing them he has a soft side makes me look like a complete joke. Everyone has a vulnerable side, Zayns just too stubborn to show it. I sigh and drag my sorry arse out of bed, my blanket, snugly wrapped around me as I walk down stairs and into the kitchen. I can't eat, but I need to at least try. I haven't had a decent meal since Zayn punished me. The thought makes my skin crawl.