chapter twenty-five:
dear friend,
safe to say that was possibly the worst two weeks back from school. everything feels off. its weird. you get so used to everything. you get used to constantly getting calls and texts from that special someone. you get used to getting good night texts and constant messages to get you through the day. you get used to having someone finally care about you. yo get used to having that special someone send you little red hearts. you finally get used to it all. you get used to feeling loved. a feeling you never thought would come. you feel like you've found the one. the one who finally treats you liked you deserved to be treated. the one who gives you the time of day. the one who makes you think like you are always on their mind and you're not psycho for having them constantly be on your mind. you get used to the feeling of butterflies in your stomach and worst of all you get used to the feeling of affection. you get used to the constant hugs and hand holding. you get used to the playful kisses and cuddling. you get used to having someone put their hand on your thigh while driving in their car. you get used to feeling safe while that special someone is driving you. you get used to linking arms with someone who is guiding you. someone who is not your designated guide. you get used to finally trusting someone. you put all your trust, time and love on someone.
only to be let down.
everything feels empty. i was used to constantly holding zayn's hand. now my hands feel empty. its weird not holding someone hands. the spaces between my hands feel bigger than usual. its odd. its a weird feeling. you won't know what it feels like until you experience it. everything feels more still. i feel a bit more lonely than i did before i met zayn. my phone never goes off anymore... i do not receive cute texts or red hearts... its weird, friend, its very weird.
the weirdest part of it all is finally coming to terms that its over.
coming to terms with the fact that zayn will never hold my hand again. coming to terms with the fact that even if i know he's in the hallways he will not be looking my way nor will he care that i'm walking down the halls. you come to terms with the fact that he will never call you or text you again... you come to terms with it all. you realize that nothing will be like it used to be before. and it sucks, boy does it suck.
i'm upset. i'm upset at myself for not enjoying it. i did not realize what i had. and then it was taken from me. its human to not realize what you have until its gone. and it sucks. i wish i knew how much zayn was changing my life.
its sucks friend, it sucks a lot. i really wish i could meet someone who will care for me as much as zayn did. i fear that everyone i meet in the future will judge me for my blindness or will just take advantage of me. its weird that even though zayn was a dickhead to me all these years, he somehow managed to make me feel like he cared. like he cared a lot. its just all weird, friend, its all really weird.
my mind is a mess. everything is a mess. i don't know what to do. i wish i knew how zayn was doing. i heard he's gone to many parties and gotten drunk a lot. i heard rumors that he has gotten with many girls. that upsets me. but after all its zayn. i shouldn't expect much more from him....
i just wish he would call.
boy do i wish he would call.
————
{ a couple of weeks later }
- - - - - - -
he called.
he called me.
friend.
he called me.
it was the weirdest thing in my life.
i felt numb.
i cried all these weeks and felt so sad all these weeks. so suicidal so depressed so empty.
and i could not manage to speak anything to him.
this is how it went down:
****
I was playing with my golden retriever guide dog, Leo. Kissing him and rubbing his face with my hands. Then I heard my phone ring.
It was Niall. It had to be Niall was all I was thinking.
I thought nothing of it and picked up. I did not ask my phone to tell me who was calling, I did not mind. I was not expecting it to be Zayn after all.
"Hello?" I asked in a somewhat happier tone rather than a casual tone because whenever I am around Leo my whole mood changes.
"Hello." A raspy voice said from the other side of the line.
It was Zayn I immediately realized.
My heart dropped.
I felt jaw clench.
My palms started to sweat.
My heart speed up and my stomach turn.
I took a deep breath.
I couldn't say anything.
My vocal chords were gone.
I did not know what to do.
"Uh..." Was all I could choke out.
"Liam." Zayn mumbled.
I almost started crying. I did not know why. I just wanted to cry right then and there. I immediately remembered why I ended things with him. He cheated on me. It was not fair that I was feeling everything that I once felt for him all over again. It was not fair. Do not take him back Liam, do not do it.
"I..." Zayn started.
I sighed into the phone. I didn't know why. My emotions were all over the place I was so confused.
"Ok. I am just going to speak even if you don't say anything," Zayn said and continued, "I'm sorry okay?
"I'm sorry for everything. I hope I can somehow gain your trust back. I stopped hanging out with Harry. He's an asshole. I miss you. I miss you a lot... I've lost myself.
"I've truly lost myself Liam. I started drinking so much that my liver is starting to fail. I've tried so hard to make myself forget you. I admit I've gotten with many girls (I clenched my jaw at this comment), but none of them meant anything to me. Which is a dick thing of me to say and do. But I'm just trying to get rid of the pain my heart carries. Modern love is a funny thing I guess.
"I truly miss you, Liam. I'm sorry that you hate me. I'm sorry that I made you hate me. I'm sorry that what we had went to shit. I just wish you could forgive me. And maybe one day we could talk again and possibly bring what we had back to reality?" Zayn sighed into the phone.
I took a deep breath and clenched my jaw.
"I'm sorry." Zayn said again.
I hung up on him. I could not take it anymore. I was finally getting over him somewhat. And now he decides to do this to make me think of him again. As if everything I touched did not somehow remind me of him. How fucking selfish of him.
Everything now reminds me of him. Everything. I hate it.
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A/N: *insert apology for updating so late* New Year's Resolution: Finish this book. Five more chapters to go!!! Wow. Where are these chapters going to take us!! WOWOWOOWW. I hope you all have a happy valentines day with your loved ones, your specific loved one, your friends or your pets!!!
I'm spending mine with 2 very close friends of mine because I ended things with a boy who loved me too much and I just did not love enough. I thought it was unfair for me to keep things going if I did not love him to the extent that he loved me... Maybe I just overthink things... I don't know.
Anyways, TMI. I hope you guys have a great week! If you guys want to read my poetry visit: aliasmari.tumblr.com ! :) Bye guys love you all! Thank you for sticking with my crappy updates!
