chapter twenty-four
hello friend,
boy has it been a while. i've been distraught with everything going on with zayn. he got with two girls during our whole entire romantic friendship thing. it wasn't even a relationship, so i have zero right to be sad. at least thats why i tell myself. why am i sad about all of this? i told niall about all of this and his crush for zayn disappeared after he saw zayn's "fuck boy" tendencies. i'm upset, friend. i truly am. this is not fair. love is not fair. i knew that i should not have gotten with zayn. romantic relationships always end in either heart break or marriage. i want none of those two. one i am not prepared for marriage. two, heart break fucking sucks. i've never experienced it until now. and shit it fucking sucks. you can literally feel your heart in pain. maybe it's not your heart. maybe it's just your chest. i don't know shit about anatomy, but damn. something hurts in my chest area. it feels as if its clenched. when i was with zayn my lungs felt empty, in a good way. like i was out of air. but now i feel like i'm out of breath in a bad way. in a way as if i was about to die. like, as if each breath i take could be my last.
i hope you're doing okay.
love, liam. xxx
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dear friend,
niall beat up zayn. you know how they say "you should see the other guy?" when you see someone who got beat up real bad. well that's what niall told me. ironic because i can't see either of them. but according to louis, niall got beat up real bad, but zayn wasn't tooooooo far off. apparently niall got a few punches here and there and busted zayn's lip. nice of niall to do. no one has ever stood up for me in all these four years of hell that society calls high school. it sucks man. nothing feels normal. weird that zayn became "normal" for me. here's a tip: don't ever befriend your bullies. don't ever fall in love with your bullies. i mean, they do say keep your enemies close. but don't keep them /that/ close. sometimes i ask myself. what kind of parasite got in my brain that i decided to fall in love with the asshole that made all these years hell for me? how did my brain decide to change that quickly? love is a weird thing... love is a weird thing... was i even in love with zayn? i don't know...
wishing you the best.
liam. xx
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hi friend,
school has started yet again. happy new year. i just wish i had my life back. i want my life back. my normal life back. the one where i would get in the bus and fear for my life. now neither harry or zayn takes the bus. they just show up in their fancy cars. i don't understand why they took the bus all this time if they parents were rich enough to buy them fancy cars? where's the logic? anyways, i've found more free time. i don't know what to do with free time. i just listen to music. so i've found some new songs and tunes and artists. bon iver is good. very good in fact. his music calms my soul. it is very soothing. makes me want to go move to iceland and live in a tree house and quit school. i'm tired of this routine i call my life. it's all getting very repetitive and old. sensing zayn's presence in the halls disturbs me. you could say blindness comes in handy for ignoring people. although i can sense them with my spidey senses, they'll never know because i act like i don't know they're around. so if i sense zayn's presence, i'll just dismiss it. even though it pains me. and i wish i could know if he was looking my way or dismissing me as well.
anyways, my favorite bon iver song right now is beach baby.
love, liam. xx
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dear friend,
niall came over today. he comes over often. he plays video games with me. he helps me get away for a bit. he gets my mind on track and lets me know that zayn is a douchebag and i should not miss him. niall is nice. i don't know why he likes being my friend. but he does. and he shows it by helping me. he's helped me a lot throughout this chest-aching time. brought me ice cream. brought me gifts. brought me mixtapes. got me CD's. got me books. got me DVD's. helping me through this rough time. he listens to me and helps me. i like having a friend. i'm thankful for having a friend.
my heart still aches for zayn though.
i am sad.
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hello again friend,
i'm writing to you a lot because as i told you i've found a lot of free time during this time of heart break. i've found more time for music, writing to you and homework. my grades are coming up. i'm enjoying learning. knowledge is filling up my brain. chemistry is very interesting, although very confusing as well. i don't enjoy english class that much. my teacher tends to speak too much, but too slowly. so if he's giving a lecture, he will not finish it due to his slow speaking abilities. i like math. math is complicated when you don't understand, but now that i understand. it's relaxing. it's soothing. i've found free time for reading as well. stephen king tends to write long books that i never have time to read. but i guess now i do. so i'm reading "it" by stephen king. i also decided to start drawing. i call my art abstract. because i don't know what the fuck i'm painting or if i'm placing it in the correct place. abstract. i just do not know what to do with all this fucking time. i miss zayn. i fucking miss him. my skin craves his touch. the days seem so fucking long without him here. time passes so slowly. the world seems so still. i am desperate.
sorry for the tear stains on the paper.
forgive me, liam. xx
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hello friend,
can you remind me what happiness feels like again?
my heart aches.
it's two in the morning.
i miss zayn.
i have a constant battle with myself.
he hurt me all these years. loved me for a couple of time. now hurt me again.
so why do i miss him?
why do i crave his attention?
i do not care about anyone else.
i want him.
i want him.
i am going mad.
save me.
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A/N: short filler chapter. poor liam aching after his heart break.... also, what??? Wattpad changed? I don't know how to make stuff italics anymore. this is weird okay. Sorry for not being online for like 6 months. i've been at a dead end in my writing. in fact i've been in a dead end in everything. writing, drawing, reading, videos, everything. school is very good at dead ending everything in my life. i missed writing so much you have no idea.... i really want to finish writing this book not only for myself, but for you guys. i'm extremely sorry for leaving all of you hanging and disappointing you guys. don't worry because i've also disappointed myself. 6 more chapters and it's done.... i'll try my best to finish this story by the end of january or february. that's my goal.... HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS. LOVE YOU ALL! :)
