A Hole in One's Heart [Kakashi Hatake]

Chapter 35: Rin Nohara

So this is a pretty short chapter after the ridiculously long previous chapter. I want to thank everyone who's reading this and has voted on my previous chapters! Enjoy :)

---------------Kakashi's POV---------------

     Ana and I were walking around after our mission when she broke the silence, "So how long did you know that they were trying to see your face?"

     I sighed, "The entire time. In fact, I was watching when they recruited you." I stopped walking, we were at the edge of the forest surrounding the village. "So you've seen a drawing of my face, have you?"

     "Yes..." I don't know what compelled me, but I began to untie my forehead protector and my breath started to come thick and fast. "Kakashi, what are you doing?"

     I removed the headband, "You'll have to tell me if it was a good drawing." I pulled down my mask with a little smirk.

     "Well, uh, the drawing really doesn't do it justice in my personal opinion, but, uh, that's j-just me." She was fumbling over her words and backed up until she was pressed against a tree.

     "I'm glad that you think that." I stepped towards her, my self control gone. She looked so beautiful in the evening light. Ana's hair wasn't pulled up in its usual tight pony tail but instead was fanned around her shoulders and down her back. Her face was bright red, and she was breathing heavily. All that I wanted at that moment was to kiss her; I didn't care if I was her sensei.

     "Kaka-shi... What are you..." I stepped closer. I was standing inches from her and could feel her breath on my exposed face, it was intoxicating.

     "Kaka...shi..."

     Rin's dying face flashed in front of my eyes.

     "Kaka...shi..."

     My hand was through her chest and she was dying slowly with flashes of blue lightning around her.

     "Kaka...shi..."

     My name was her final word. My unworthy name was the last thing that ever graced her lips.

     "Kaka...shi..."

     I pulled away from Ana; she deserved so much more than Friend-killer Kakashi. She deserved better than me. I put my mask back up and tied on my headband. My chest constricted so much that it hurt. Was this why people called it "heartache"?

     "I just thought that you would like to see my real face." I tried to be as casual as I could, but my heart was still beating out of control. I wanted to kiss her so much, but I end up killing everyone I love. I love Ana too much to put her in danger. "It's getting dark out; I'll walk you home."

     "No, I'm fine." She ran away, and I felt horrible. She probably hated me for that, but I would rather that she was alive and hating me than dead and loving me. I was so mad that I had let my emotions get the better of me. As soon as Ana was too far away to hear, I lost it.

     "DAMN IT!" I screamed and punched the tree behind me so hard that it creaked and then slowly fell to the ground, a crater in the side of the trunk and roots sticking up in the air. My hand throbbed and pulsed. I might have broken something, but I didn't care. I sank to the forest floor, my face in my hands and unwanted tears soaking into my mask. 'So much for the unfeeling shinobi, the great Copy Ninja, sitting in the forest crying his eyes out like a heartbroken school girl.'

     I sat there for who knows how long just hating myself. How could I have let myself get that close to Ana? I didn't deserve her not after what happened to Obito and Rin. Obito died because I couldn't fathom breaking the rules, and Rin died by my own hand. That same hand that wanted to reach out hold Ana, that hand wasn't worthy to touch her. I stared down at it in hate and could see Rin's blood staining the skin even though I had washed it off years ago. This hand had killed countless people, this hand couldn't love, it could only kill.

     "Rival?" It was Guy, and I was no mood to deal with his antics.

     "Go away, Guy, I'm not in the mood right now. It's like two in morning; what are you doing outside?"

     "Oh, I was going to run through the entire night with nothing but the power of youth." He looked at the freshly fallen tree next to me. "What are you doing out here?"

     "Nothing."

     Guy looked at me knowingly, "It is not usual for my eternal rival to lose sight of his emotions. Tell me what happened."

     I growled, "I really would rather not."

     Guy looked down at me sadly and sat down across from me. What the hell, couldn't he tell that all I wanted was to be alone? "Let me guess, this has to do with Ana." I gaped at him, my exposed eye wide in shock.

     "How..."

     "It is important to know your rival well and to be able to read his emotions like a book. Another important part of being an eternal rival is helping each other through their emotional struggles." He locked eyes with me, and I was secretly grateful for our friendship. "So, what held you back this time?"

     "Rin."

     "I knew Rin very well, and she only wanted the best for you. She wouldn't want to get in the way of your happiness."

     "No, that's the whole problem! She loved me, and I did nothing to earn it. I was going to leave her to die with the Stone Ninja; I am the reason that her greatest friend, Obito, died; and then I killed her myself! I have right to love or be loved any more! Not after what happened to Rin. I would rather have Ana hate me and still be alive than love me and die just like Rin!" By the time that I finished, I was standing up over Guy and screaming. Tears were soaking my mask, and I probably looked insane. Guy just looked up at me sadly.

     "Rival..." For once Guy was at a loss for words. There were no encouragements about using my youth to get through this or claims that a challenge would me feel better like he would usually do I'm remembering Obito and Rin. "You should think about this carefully. You know that you'll never be happy or youthful without her and that she won't be happy without you."

     "Yes, but she'll be alive." And with that I poofed away to the memorial stone and stood there until dawn where one name seemed to stare into my soul the entire time.

     Rin Nohara. 

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I would like to take this moment to point out what I think is the biggest problem with the Leaf Village. No where in the entire series is evidence of psychiatrists or orphanages (well, there's Kabuto's orphanage, but that's just one). Seriously, the Leaf needs to get its shit together when it comes to the psychological damage that will come with being a shinobi. Rant aside, I hoped that you enjoyed the update. The time skip to Shippuden is coming pretty soon now and I'm really excited about that! See you at the next update :)

Edited 4/16/2016