rants of a shitty teen

very serious question (tw)

does one have to be majorly depressed to be suicidal?

I know I used to have really depressing thoughts and am fairly certain I had depression at one point and hell, I may still have it, I'm not sure. but the amount of times I think of silencing myself is insane.

like, there's so many times I want to start cutting again and I know that won't make anything better, but the sad part is that I don't even really have a reason to do it anymore. I'm practically addicted to it, and it fucking sucks.

and god, you wouldn't believe how many times I think of all the different ways I could kill myself. I literally think of this in my spare time, all the fucking time. does that make me crazy?

I don't know. I just feel like there should be something out there somewhere that will at least dull these thoughts, just for a while. mcr's songs used to help, but now that it's actually hit me that they're really done, everytime I hear one of their songs i feel terrible. tøp helps, a lot (until I realize that the songs I'm listening to aren't so happy). lots of music in general make me happy, but only for the moment. I just want something to make me feel good forever. at least make me feel something besides this dull pain, this emptiness I seem to always have in me.

I just want to feel okay for a while, but I don't know how.