CUT

Chapter 19

The numbness of it all is just surreal. I guess I still haven't accepted that Cole is sick. Who am I kidding? I saw this coming. I just knew that me being happy, was just never meant to be.

I walk down the hall with Leslie by my side. Were both silent, and I just stare down as the paper name tag stuck on my chest. I was required to put it on before coming up here. To label that I'm allowed to be here right now.

I wish I didn't have to be here.

When we get to the door that leads to Cole's room, Leslie says she isn't going in.

"Why not?" I ask her.

Leslie shakes her head. "I hate seeing him like that." She looks down sadly. "I'm tired of crying."

I look at Leslie and I finally realize how hard this must have been on her. She's lost her father and her sister already. Now she's going to lose her brother too. Its not fair. And I thought I had bad luck.

I touch her on the arm. "I'm so sorry, Leslie."

She gives me a half-hearted smile. "Its okay. I mean we've known about this for years, he's actually been living longer than he should've." Her face goes to indifference. "I'm going to go. I'll catch up with you later." She nods at me and then walks back down the hall.

I take a deep breath and then I walk into Cole's room.

The first thing I heard was the beeping of the giant machine next to the bed. Connected to that machine was Cole who had his eyes closed. He looked like he aged another ten years. I walk up to his side and I try not to concentrate on all the tubes connected to his body.

I warily touch his arm trying not to burst into tears. Cole's eyes flutter open.

I don't know how. But when he smiled when he saw it was me, it brightened his whole condition.

"Sabrina." His voice is weak. "You came."

My eyebrows furrow. "Of course I did." I tell him. I put my hand through his blonde hair. It's so hard not to cry right now.

Cole sits up on the bed. He looked like he was struggling so I tried to help him, but he put his hand up to stop me. "I'm not going to be a vegetable that everyone has to do things for me." He says sternly. He manages to sit all the way up.

I pull a chair up next to him. For a second we just stare at each other. I want to be mad him for not telling me, and for lying to me about his feelings. But I can't while he's in this condition. It's just not possible.

"I'm sorry." He finally says, breaking the silence. "I should've told you."

"Yeah you should've." I tell him.

"I didn't want you to feel like you had to baby me." He explains. "I get it enough from Leslie and my mom."

"Cole." I say sternly. "You are sick. Like it or not, you need special help. That's what keeps you alive."

Cole shakes his head. "I know. But..."

"Why did you lie to me before?" I ask him not letting him finish his sentence. "You hurt me you know. When you told me that."

Cole looks at me sadly. "I love you Sabrina." He tells me. "When you asked me why I never kissed you again I knew I had to let you go. That was my chance to end it before you got hurt. When I'm.. gone, I would rather you hate me then be crying for me. I had to protect you."

"Oh yeah you protected me all right." I say sarcastically. "Breaking my heart into a million pieces was a great method. Did you know I almost killed myself?"

Cole's eyes widen. "What?!" He exclaims.

"Yeah, I guess you see how important to me you are now, huh?" The tears start to flow from my eyes. I take Cole's hands in mine. "You can't die. I won't let you."

When I look up I'm surprised to see Cole crying too. He take my arm and pulls me towards him until I'm leaning over the bed and were inches apart.

"Don't ever do that again." He tells me in desperation. "If you die because of me Sabrina... I..." He pulls me into his arms. "Promise me you'll never do something like that again. I won't be able to die peacefully with the thought that you'll..."

Die die die. The word keeps being repeated. Love and death should never be in the same conversation.

"God Cole." I sob. "Don't do this to me now... I just... Please."

The next thing I know Cole is limp in my arms. I start shaking his shoulders. "Cole?" I pull him away to see his eyes closed.

No.

"COLE!" I scream at his face. "Wake up!"

I look at the machine, its beeping slower now. A bunch people in white cloths rush into the room. They ask me to step out.

"No!" I scream at them. I'm already being pulled out of the room and I crumple to the ground.

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Cole is okay, according to the doctor. He just passed out because of some sort shock. I don't know, I zoned him out after he said he's okay.

This is probably the biggest scare of my life. I thought he died on me.

Lana sits next to me and rubs circles on my back as the doctor talks.

"...he's resting right now. We gave him some medication, so he'll be fine." He explains.

No he won't. He dying nobody how much medicine you give him, it doesn't mean he'll be fine. He won't be fine, ever again. He won't even be around.

The doctor asks Cole's mom if he can speak to her privately. It makes me angry to not allowed to be hearing the conversation. He's probably uploading on how much time Cole has left right now.

Minutes later Cole's mom comes back with a grim look on her face.

"What is it mom?" Leslie asks.

"Well..." She starts, sitting down next to us. "The doctor said that he found out that there's this procedure we can try."

Leslie's eyes furrow. "What procedure?" She asks warily.

"Its similar to chemotherapy except it's more... intense and dangerous." She explains.

I didn't like the sound of that.

"Wait, so it can kill him?" I ask.

Cole's mom looks down sadly. "Yes, yes it can." She says. "But it can also save his life."

I look down at my hands. It could kill him, or save his life.

"There's more." She continues. "There's only one doctor available to do the procedure. And he's in France. We could have to go there. And stay for a couple of months."

"Why months?" Leslie asks, her eyes wide.

"Before the procedure Cole has to take a lot of tests." Leslie's mom looked ready to break down. "Make him stable. Then there's recovery if he survives. It's very expensive and risky."

Decisions. Either Cole stays here and dies slowly. Or he can go to Europe and have a procedure that can save his life, or kill him. He would leave me.

"What are you going to do?" I ask.

Cole's mom shakes her head, and for the first time I see her break down crying. Leslie stands up and hugs her mom. I can see she's trying to hold back tears too. I don't want to cry. I know this won't be my decision. But I can't help but start crying too.

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Yeah, I finally updated! Yay! Sigh... sorry it took me so long... You guys are good at giving threats though. You would be great Serial Killers! (I meant that as a compliment). Now, what did you think?