CUT

Chapter 17

It didn't take me long to come to my senses.

Even if Cole broke my heart, I can't kill myself now. Sure, I put all my trust in him, my secrets, and my past. Fell in love with him, and let me be at his will. Trusted him to make a relationship with my family. And allowed myself to get dangerously close to him, only to have my heart broken in the end.

Oh I want to kill myself.

But how could I? How selfish would that be with a newborn downstairs? Red was only born less than a week ago. How could I let her future birthdays be haunted with the reminder that I committed suicide so near it?

I couldn't let that happen. Lana would never forgive me, not to mention all the crying she'll do. This is supposed to be happy time. A new life has been born! Not a life has ended.

But it would be pretty great to join my parents wherever they are now.

I remove the knife from the position it's in above my wrist. I put it down gently on the sink. I stare at myself again in the mirror.

What have I become in last year and a half?

I stare at my pale complexion. My red stained eyes from all my crying. And then I look down at my scars.

They're faint enough that you can only see them if you look closely; but they're still there. Looking at my body I can see I've gotten so much skinnier from practically starving myself. I eat, just not as much as a normal person should I guess.

I remember when I used to be pretty.

I walk into my room which I now share with Red. I go deep into my closet and take out a shoebox that I've kept there for the last year.

My memories.

Inside contains all the pictures I have of my parents and my life before they died. In all of them they're smiling their bright smiles and I'm smiling with them.

I look at a picture of myself standing in front my house with my parents on either side of me. My mom interlocked arms with me and my dad has a hand on my shoulder.

Once upon a time I used to wear makeup to look pretty. I used to be like any other teenage girl. I fell into false love with guys I barely knew. I had a boyfriend every other month. I cried my eyes out after every breakup.

I rebelled against my parents. I sneaked out and went to parties. I got drunk and I smoked a couple of times. I was always inseparable with my friends.

I dig into the box and I take out some more pictures. It showed me wearing my short jeans and the t-shirt that wore above my belly button. I was smiling with all of my girlfriends. We were always happy and we loved to shop together and hang out together.

Back then my dreams were full of meeting the perfect guy and then me and my friends would become rich in live in mansions right next to each others. We would all have golden retrievers and two kids each. We'd all plan a ladies night so we can get away from it all every week and we would be friends till we were old.

That was back when I only knew about the superficial part of life. I didn't know how in a split second all of my happiness and dreams would come crashing down around me and I would be left completely vulnerable.

The girl in these pictures doesn't even look real anymore. She looks like she's a part of a teen magazine. Not the girl I was not too long ago. My parents dying and me cutting were only things that could happen to other people. It could never happen to me. Just those people that are in the news and in CSI.

It makes me angry. Why did I have to be so naïve? Why couldn't I have been smarter? I would've never let my parent's die if I knew.

Why my parents? Why couldn't it be someone else? Anyone else? Why me?! Why did I have to go through all this pain?