Hurt Me No Longer (Sequel to "Bully Me No More")

15

*RAIN*

My baby shower was boring, my feet were too swollen for me to enjoy any walking in the park, I sat in the biggest swing and spoke to whoever approached me. Roc was too busy talking to his friends and grilling burgers and hot dogs to spend much time around me. Angie couldn't make it and that made me even sadder.

I watched Roc organize all the gifts neatly in the corner of our nursery. We got lots of pink clothes, diapers, bibs, toys, and even some car seats. He handled everything so carefully it was almost impossible to picture the monster he used to be.I gripped the door frame and frowned at Roc.

"Now we're home, my dad is on a plane, and the baby shower is over. What are we ganna do now!?" I whined.

He looked at me with almost a predator like expression. He stepped slowly towards me and wrapped his arms around my back.

"I know what we could do." He whispered.

I smiled at him and laughed. "You're right! A nap!"

He frowned at me. "That's not what I was thinking."

I kissed his cheek. "Goodnight Roc."

"Ugh. Goodnight baby, I'm ganna clean up in here ok?"

"Ok."

I turned away and walked to the bedroom, getting comfy in bed and falling quickly asleep.

When I woke up, about an hour later I first noticed how quiet the house was. The TV was turned off and I couldn't hear Roc moving around boxes in the nursery. I pulled the covers off me and went on a search for him.

"Roc." I called. No answer.

I walked into the future baby's nursery and the room was empty except for the gifts and a crib he'd finally put together.

"Roc." I called again.

I went downstairs and he wasn't in the living room, the kitchen, or out back in the pool. His phone was sitting on the coffee table and his car was still in the driveway.

"Roc. I'm not in the mood for you to pop out and scare me." I said.

I went back up stairs thinking maybe I just overlooked him. He wasn't in the bathroom either. As I walked down the hall I passed the door to the old nursery and noticed that it was open just a crack. I stopped dead in my tracks, reversed slowly and opened the door the rest of the way.

Roc was sitting with his back against a wall and the crib was taken apart carefully piece by piece.

"Are you ok baby?" He asked me.

I nodded. "Are YOU ok?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm not."

When he said that it was as if my heart broke into a million pieces. I sat down next to him and took the screw driver from his hand. I wiped away his tears with my thumbs, but more came.

"Rain I need you."

Tears rushed from my eyes and I pulled him into my chest as best I could due to my humongous bump. To hear him say he needed me...it was just something I always needed to hear. His tears slowly made their way through my shirt, making it stick to me.

"I think you should talk." I told him.

He nodded and then pulled away from me, his eyes red and puffy.

"Damn. I shouldn't be crying."

"Why?" I asked. "Crying is healthy."

"Not for guys."

I shrugged, not understanding how that made sense. "You can cry to me."

He nodded again and wiped some of his tears. "I know that."

"Roc talk to me. Why are you in here? Why are you crying? Why did you take the crib apart?"

"Because Rain..."

"Cuz why?"

"Because I miss him! I miss him and he was never even born! I hate feeling this way, I feel like I failed!"

My mouth fell open. "Oh."

"Do you have any idea how it feels!? To wake up every day and know your life shouldn't be the way it is? It feels like something is missing, but you can never have that missing part back!"

He took the screwdriver from me and threw it across the room, it landed in the pile of crib pieces.

"Roc stop!" I yelled. "You're scaring me!"

He put his head down in shame and frowned. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"It's ok. And of course I know how it feels. I lost a child too Roc. We BOTH did, and it wasn't either one of our faults."

"I just don't f*c*ing understand why!" More tears streamed down his face. "Why the hell did it have to be us! I was the bad person! I was the one who bullied you when we were younger, I am the one who abused you, why couldn't ONLY I be punished!? Why do you have to feel the pain too!?"

I took deep breaths, trying to stay calm and not yell along with him, for the sake of the baby.

"I don't know Roc. And we may never know why. But I do know that we have another chance at being parents and this experience has helped us prepare mentally."

He nodded, his fists clenched He stood up and punched a hole into the wall behind me. I jumped up and watched his angry face pour more tears. I grabbed him and he instantly calmed down, knowing he didn't wanna hurt me.

"Rain. Let go."

"No." I held his hand tighter. "No. I won't let you act this way. Stop."

I looked down at his fist and it was red and covered with paint chips.

"Rain how do we move on from this?" He asked, looking at the pile of wooden crib pieces."

I pulled him from the room and shut the door.

"This is how."

I stood on my tippy toes and grabbed the key from the top of the door frame. I locked the door and put the key back.

"We have to promise we will never go back in there." I said.

"I promise."

"And I promise."

He wiped my tears away and then I wiped his away.

"I need to go." Roc whispered.

I wrapped my arms around his back.

"No. Don't. Stay with me. Please."

He put his palm against my cheek. "I love you." He said sweetly.

"I love you more."

I moved closer to him until our lips met. We kissed for a long time and it was like I could taste his pain, or maybe it was just the salty taste of his tears. The door was closed and locked, but that didn't mean we could lock away our memories too. Unfortunately.

He didn't leave like I expected him to. We went back to the room and cuddled eachother while we cried quietly, it was the last time we'd let ourselves cry over our lost son.