Denying Affinity (Affinity #1)

To Sacrifice

I know I should have told Luke Dashiel about the talk that I had with his mother. That I should just tell him everything instead of keeping it a secret. Pero naisip ko na kung sasabihin ko man sa kanya ang lahat ay ano ba ang magagawa niya?

He's only eighteen. Masyado pa siyang bata para sa mga komplikadong sitwasyon. In fact, he shouldn't even be with me in the first place. He should be with girls who are within his age group, girs who are not older than him. Just any girl but me.

If he wasn't in love with me then he wouldn't have be someone's secret. Kung hindi lang sana ako ang babaeng minahal niya ay sana hindi siya nahihirapan nang ganito.

It's so unfair to him. Masyado akong madamot kaya imbis na layuan siya ay ako pa ang mismong nagbigay sa kanya ng dahilan para lumalim ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. I should have kept my distance and let him forget about his feelings for me. I should let him have the chance to love someone else and be loved the same without fear of anything and yet I still chose to keep him for myself.

It's so easy to say that you're finally choosing to let go of someone, I wish doing it was as easy too.

Matagal kaming nag-usap ni Luke Dashiel sa phone. Kinuwento niya sa akin ang nangyari kahapon. Nanalo ang team nila sa first game. He was relaxed the whole time we were talking.

Naka-hands free ang phone niya kaya buong drive niya papuntang campus ay magkausap kaming dalawa kahit nga nakarating na siya sa room ay hindi niya pa rin pinuputol ang tawag kahit na sinabi ko na sa kanyang ibaba na.

Tsaka lang kami natigil sa pag-uusap nang dumating ang kanilang professor. I wish I could keep on talking to him. Yun ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya pero pinigilan ko ang sarili. I shouldn't give Luke Dashiel more reason to hope that there's a chance for us in the long shot.

Umpisa pa lang ay alam ko na hindi kami magtatagal. At kung magtatagal man kami ay palaging ganito ang mangyayari sa amin. We'll be forced to keep our relationship a secret. Right now it seemed fine, but sooner or later that wouldn't be enough for us. It would end up frustrating us, to be together but not officially.

We can't hide forever. We can't keep this affinity for long. And taking a risk would be too scary. Our families would disapprove. The people we love the most would get hurt. Hindi ko kayang masira ang lahat nang dahil lang sa naging madamot ako. Indulging myself by being with him secretly is my limit. I wouldn't cross the boundary that I've set for myself. I'm not ready to face the consequences beyond that line. Neither Luke Dashiel.

Hindi ko masyadong pinaghandaan ang dinner. Simple lang ang damit na isinuot ko. Dark blue na tube skirt at puting midriff halter top. My make up was light too.

Nang bumaba ako mula sa kwarto ay naabutang kong abala si Mommy sa dining area. She's busy sending instructions habang ang mga tatlong maids naman namin ay nagse-set up ng lamesa.

Based on the arrangement of the table, our dinner would be grand than usual. Makikitang pinaghandaan talaga ni Mommy ang dinner na ito dahil gusto niya magkaroon ng magandang impression at welcome sa inaakala nilang boyfriend ko.

It made me feel even more guilty for lying to her about the truth. There will always be a time in life when the truth will be hard to confess and it'd be easier to lie and pretend. A time when you'll choose to hurt yourself first before hurting the person you value the most, because that's how love should be. You give up your own happines to give them theirs. To love is to sacrifice.

"Hey, mom," bati ko. Lumingon si Mommy sa kinatatayuan ko. Nawala ang maliit na lukot sa noo niya at napangiti bang makita ako.