Tragic, sad, empty. All words that could accurately represent my life as a whole these last few months. Since he left.
Those last few hours are on my mind every second that I'm not at Ashton's getting doped out of my mind. I have to be high constantly, it keeps me regular. I've been sleeping with Ashton. At first it was to try and move on, now it's just a reminder of how numb I've become.
I dropped out last month. Benn moved in to help me with bills. Him and Mikey are still going strong. They're actually supposed to be home any moment. But all I've done today is rummage through the memories. The notes, the polaroids we took together. All the while black mascara and liquid eyeliner filled tears stream down the sides of my red cheeks. I miss him. Sometimes I think that calling him might be the best option, but I never do it. And I'm sure I never will.
A voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I look up to see Benn and Michael standing in front of me with grocery bags and other miscellaneous bags. "What?" I ask in confusion, too zoned out to comprehend what Michael had just said.
He sighs and puts the bags down. "I said wipe your face and get into something decent. We're leaving in an hour." He says with a huge grin on his face.
Confused, I look over at Benn. He mouths "your birthday" to me and it snaps into my mind. "Mikey I really don't wanna go anywhere."
"Well suck it up because I already bought the tickets."
I groan in defeat and get off the couch and make my way to my bedroom. I walk in and see my packed bags lying on the floor. I walk to my bed and pick up the clothes that Benn had bought me as an early birthday present.
I quit my half-assed attempt at packing and sit on my bed, deep in thought. Regretting telling Benn and Michael that Los Angeles was my dream vacation. Not thinking that for my 19th birthday that they'd actually fly me out to L.A. I see Michael standing in the doorway to my room and I let out a deep sigh. "I'm working on it." I say in a low, monotone voice.
He lets out a small laugh and walks over to me, sitting down beside me on my bed a wrapping a supportive arm around my shoulder. "It's gonna be fun, Hannah. Promise. It's only a month and you won't have to worry about school or Ashton for a whole month. Doesn't that sound fun?" He says in a warm, friendly tone.
I smile and look up at him. "Yeah." I think about it and my smile widens. "Yeah, it could be." I stand up and look at Michael, smile still wide on my face. "And I'm gonna make sure it is!" Just then I hear a knock on my bedroom door, startling me and jolting my head in that direction.
"Excited for somethin'?" I see Ashton staring at me with a half smile playing on his lips. I roll my eyes and smile, despite me wanting to tell him to shut the fuck up and go home, I've changed. So, I smile and walk over to embrace him.
He hugs me back and kisses the top of my head. As much as I hate to admit it, Ashton's really been a great friend to me since Luke left. Though I had originally been using him for drugs and sex, turns out his good for more than just that. "Hey Ash." I say lowly. "I've got to get ready guys." I say with a forced smile, shooing my friends out of my room.
They make a hasty exit and as soon as they're both out I shut and lock the door behind them. I make my way to my bed to put on my clothes when something catches my eye. And as soon as I focus on it I realize what it is and immediately look away. The note. That god damn note that had been haunting me for months, yet, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.
Once i'm dressed I grab my cigarettes and sling one of my three bags over my shoulder and head out into the living room. I enter and the boys stop talking and look up at me, smiling simultaneously. "You look awesome." Benn states.
"Thanks." I say back, once again forcing a smile.
Michael stands up and claps his hands together. "Well, Ashton we are about to make our leave so say goodbye as you do and we'll need to leave immediately." He smiles and grabs our remaining bags and walks out of the apartment, Benn following closely behind him.
I sigh and look over at Ashton. "You do that a lot, ya know." I knit my eyebrows in confusion. "Sigh."
I nod in agreement. "I have a lot to sigh about these days now, don't I?" I ask before picking my bag up off of the floor and walking towards the door, grabbing my keys out of the pocket of my leather jacket.
"Y'know." Ashton begins as he walks out of my apartment. "I think you're the only person I've ever seen wear a leather jacket in May."
I roll my eyes as I turn the key, locking my apartment. I turn sharply and give him an irritated look. "Well then maybe you should get out more. Hmm?" We both smile and let out a little chuckle. "Later, Ash"
"Later Hannah."
I give him one last smile and turn on my heel, walking straight to the elevator.
