take it how you want it

starving.

a thought that eats away at me

more than my PTSD

more than my depression or anxiety 

is the thought of what if you were still here

what if you were present in my life

instead of escaping into the night

on that night I've never been louder

The walls were closing in

I dug my nails into my skin

I squeezed myself tight

I tried to tell myself everything would be alright

I tried to tell myself it was a bad dream 

But this was my reality

You became someone I didn't recognize in the blink of an eye

I screamed at God questioning why

Why was my father 

the man I always idolized 

was ripping the life out of my mother's eyes

I never knew of such a heartache until that day

I never knew how you would look me in the eyes before running away

I never knew I would bury my face into my mother's heavy-breathing chest

I felt in that moment when you let her go 

She could finally breathe and mine slowed

The fear that was created that day still grows

My childhood turned dark and my mother even says I lost my spark

I always wonder what I would be like now if you had never done what you did

if I would be just a normal kid

All the broken promises and contact that slowly faded away

made me hate you and the fact we share DNA

to forgive you is like forgiving myself

I have never been able to look at myself the same

I also feel this incredible amount of blame

If I had been up sooner

If I had screamed louder

If I had said "No Daddy please let Mommy go"

Maybe then I would've been able to let this go

But no this lives with me just like the PTSD you gifted me 

I counted all the birthdays you missed

12 to be exact 

I look in the mirror and see you staring back 

It took a lot to love my face 

Since I look just like you I felt like a disgrace

To say I hate you has some truth 

But the little girl inside me says "No I love you."