take it how you want it

happiness.

The happiness you wish me
Is as real as a fake smile
I am happy
Happier than ever
Instead of wishing to be my past self
Im making myself new
I'm growing into a brand new person
But no matter how much I grow you only see the trail of my mistakes
You only see where I have failed the most
I understand you mean well
You want me to grow
But when it comes to my happiness you're holding me back
I tried to hold you back
You married him anyway
I got used to him
And now I love him
Maybe you will never feel that way about whoever I end up with
But my happiness stems from people in my life
I can't keep cutting them out for you
Even though I love you
I'm also hurt, sad, and angry
I want to tell you a lot of things that you will never know about me
I always have to change the situation so you won't freak out
You definitely would if I told you I was gay
You definitely would if I said I still love the boy you hate
You definitely would if I said I want to get my education but I want to travel more
You definitely would if I said my relationship with god was weary because of how much he has disappointed me
You definitely would if I told you that I'm so scared for someone to touch me again I bind my chest
I don't lie
But I do hold things back so my happiness isn't the cost again
I'm tired of taking it out of my pocket every time you ask me to pay up
I'm tired of seeing you as a lion instead of someone I can cry to
I get so angry that the tears you see as just nonsense fill up inside of me
Like drowning without a drop of water in sight
I am happiest when I do not have to lie
When all of my secrets are out in the open
Where you see the scars even I created and the ones both of you put there
I am happiest when my smiles are not forced
My choices are my own
And my feet don't feel the need to run but safe enough to stay planted
I want you to get it
Accept it
Accept me for the messy and crazy person I am
I have a lot to show you
A lot to give to you if you gave me a chance to be myself
But I can't be myself because it hurts you
It changes you
I don't see you
I see red and I'm backed up against a wall
Clawing myself with my nails so my anger doesn't burst from the inside out
I want you to tell me I can love anyone
I want you to tell me that everyone makes mistakes
I want you to say you are proud of me
I want you to say that my mental illness is not my fault
I want you to tell me that you love me without the tone your job gave you
I want all of these things but I'm already asking for too much
I'm asking so you can finally feel my happiness with me
So you don't have to be on the outside of me anymore
I don't want to argue with you
I just want to be okay with you
Is my happiness going to cost me that?
Because if that's the case
Then I'm sorry
Truly I am
Because I can't
No
I won't give you my happiness.
I have worked so hard
Even when life pushed me past my limit
Whenever you made me feel like I was weak
I didn't do all of this for nothing
I didn't suffer so I could give up the one thing I need
The one thing I'm asking you to let me feel
He took it away from me when I was young
From that moment I felt like I wasn't worth anything
Worth loving anymore
It took me years
Eleven of them
To realize I am worth enough
Worth loving
And i am worthy of feeling happiness
We may never ever agree but this lie is too big
Even to tell myself
I am happiest
Running in a field with flowers and tall grass
I am happiest
Driving late at night in rain listening to country music
I am happiest
Painting with my hands with acrylic paint
I am happiest
Writing a poem with every emotion but pain , something good
I am happiest
Sitting down by the river watching it flow
I am happiest
Melting a new wax on my wax warmer and letting the smell fill my room
I am happiest
Having adventures with madison that makes us laugh until we cry
I am the happiest I have ever been
Let it last a little longer
If i ever give this to you
Do one thing for yourself
Do the things that make you happy
Regardless of the aftermath
If you are the one smiling
Truly smiling
Then in the end it was all worth it

Your kid who has in fact grown a lot,
                                    -Taylor