take it how you want it

questions.

the main questions i receive is how
how did you end up with him
why did you drink so much
why did you wear that
who initiated it
did you like the kiss
why didn't you say no
were you scared
1...
2...
3...
i take three deep breaths
i hold them
i breathe it out
and then repeat
sometimes my brain doesn't catch up
until my heart rate is high
until my body begins to shake
until my hands are pushing you away
read me
have mercy
just read me
understand me
i'm begging you
but you don't
you grab everything you can
violated
mortified
scarred
that's how i felt once i started running
i ran in the rain
as fast as i could
fear and tears crept up my throat
the first breath i took
instant tears fell
why would you touch me like this
i didn't want too
i was scared of you
why
even though you apologized
even though you yelled at me
even though you lied
why
i still live with it
i still feel your hands
and when i do i shower
i scrub my body until it's red and bloody
until i'm finally "clean"
the month of october used to be my favorite
until you turned into something dread
it's like i'm growing and dying all at the same time
october brings anxiety
depression
fear
and hatred
the question i always ask myself
was it my fault?
"it was" i tell myself
i remember how you told me i was a liar
how it never happened
how i was a whore
but i remember how you looked at me
how you told me this is my fault and it always will be
and when that thought hits me
it hits me so hard
then i'm on the floor
right back where i started
praying that your touch will not linger but rather vanish like it never happened