take it how you want it

grief, guilt, conscious.

guilt stems from me
how much i hurt you
i know you claim we both made mistakes
i made the most
hurt you the most
made you question everything
made you no longer believe in the thing you were so good at giving
love
i did it all out of love
i've explained in my head to myself
reassuring myself it was the only way
had i only been nicer
had i only fought less
had i only told you just how much i loved you when i had the chance too
had i never let you go
i would be okay
i'm not okay
the grief of it settles in
caging me
crying so hard i can't breathe anymore
and i knew you felt this grief too
mine only delayed because i couldn't face it
but i have to face it now
just like i have to face you
i have to face the fact i never stopped loving you
i was lying so it wouldn't hurt
and the grief and guilt all hit me
so hard
that my reality crumbles
every tear i shed i want you there
any time i smile i want you there
when i laugh i want you there
and all the hugs i give i want you to be at least one of them
i'm so awake now
the dream of being okay isn't here anymore
love is there
not for you
you're scared
because of me
if i were you i'd run
before i got the chance to say it to you
i want to say it so bad it's killing me
but my death comes from knowing you'll never feel the same for me
how could you
why would you
run away from me
i realize now
i needed your love
and i still do
but i'll never get it
that's not your fault
it's mine
and i'm so sorry
i'll always regret it
more than you'll ever understand