take it how you want it

mental health.

I don't think my mental health has diminished more in my entire life than it does right now

mental health is foreign in my family

they say god will fix it 

or a couple of vitamins will make me better

i know i have problems

i could possibly be psychotic 

but i know i'm depressed

i know my anxiety plays me like a fiddle

i am suffering

on a whole different level

therapy works momentarily 

medication isn't permitted 

how can you be a hypocrite

i have emotional trauma

and undiagnosed parts of me that seep into my everyday life

you know i'm trying

i put forth my sobriety 

i'm clean of cuts on the outside

but the bruising on the inside is enough to kill me

i'm hanging by a tread 

i don't know how to cry anymore

i don't feel anything other than rage

i have an identity crisis every other day 

i don't know who i am 

i tried to write ten things i love about myself

not a single thing came to me 

to say i love something knowing damn well i don't

just makes me a liar 

which i'm called all the time

i feel like a walking mistake

so scared to breathe and knock whatever stability i have over

parts of me are so broken 

i stopped trying to fix them a long time ago 

i think i've given up

and fuck i'm only eighteen 

the world is just so cruel and mean 

to be existing is like asking for air 

i dissociate and watch my life go by

i'm always left with the feeling of me dying inside

 when i say i want to kill myself i really do mean it 

it never leaves my head

i even think about it when i'm happy 

but god can fix it right

god can make me better

well i've prayed

even before i lost my faith 

i prayed for change about everything i hate

drinking and smoking is how i cope 

i don't even remember the last time we spoke 

everything isn't fine like i say it is

i'm never okay 

would you want to feel like this 

i'd give anything for happiness

so i try the little things

when i try them i'm a monster waiting to be blamed

the only reason i'm still here is out of fear of how you'll curse me 

i'm going to hell

i don't even think that is above me 

i have tried everything since the sixth grade

pure pain and rage is the only thing that stays consistent

when i look back i can  only think of how i'm still in this 

in this forever-spread ocean or pool

i don't think i'm going to win this 

they say to fight your demons

well i'm fighting for myself 

but i do everything to fight for someone else 

i don't have a purpose or plan plain to the naked eye

i'm just a girl who has gone blind 

daddy issues later turned into mommy issues

fawning and self-blame 

when the fuck will i stop playing this game 

i always tell myself to wait it out because people love me

but do they really

i have voiced how i feel i'm always ignored

then if i say something it's like i've called you a whore

defensive yelling and fighting 

i hate that you know 

maybe if you took the time to look you would know so 

i'm called a spoiled brat because i've gotten everything i wanted

if that were true then why do i feel hunted

by my own thoughts and deep core memories

i can't even see me 

i don't remember much from back then

or even now 

i'm coasting when all i want to do is scream out loud 

i want to say fuck you for hurting me

fuck you for breaking pieces of me

but who is listening anyways 

if anyone did i would say this 

i need help 

i need medicine 

i need you to listen 

i need to hear you say i love you 

i need a hug too

but am i asking to much of you

too much of anyone 

well i don't give a shit 

not anymore 

mental health is a bitch