Two Of A Kind || Lee Heeseung

51 ¦ Hate And Love

The smile on my face faded when I recognized Jay. Not because I wasn't happy to see him, but because I didn't know how to act toward him. I stepped from one foot to the other. My mother, still leaning in the doorway, looked a little irritated, but realized something was wrong and turned around.

I heard her footsteps moving away and blinked back at Jay. A hesitant smile graced the corners of his mouth and he came toward me. "Hey," he murmured softly, lowering his head. I could still tell he was hurt, but he studied my face anxiously, as if checking to make sure I was okay. "How are you?"

I nodded weakly "Much better. Just two days ago, I could barely move out of bed." My voice sounded as unsteady as I felt, and I thought I could tell Jay noticed it, too. His brows were drawn together and he had his hands in his pants pockets. I felt like what I had done stood between us like an invisible barrier.

We just stayed silent for a while before I finally cleared my throat. "Shall we-" my voice broke. "Shall we go upstairs?" "Yes with pleasure, if that's not a problem." I nodded slightly and preceded him up the stairs, while one thought after another raced through my head.

I imagined every possible scenario that could be about to play out. When we reached my room, I settled stiffly on the bed. Jay sat down at the desk and I fervently hoped that Heeseung's note was not still there.

While I planned to tell Jay the truth now, I still didn't want to be tactless and take it slow. Awkward silence spread between us again. His gaze twitched back and forth between me and the window. In my mind, I imagined how bad it must be for Jay that I had cheated on him. With his best friend who lived right next door....

A wave of hatred for myself gripped me. How could I have done this?  How could I hurt a person so much? I didn't know what was wrong with me, how could it be that I had changed so much in such a short time? Or had I always been a bad person and my true nature had only just revealed itself? No matter what the situation was, I had to apologize and I had to clear the air with Jay, because if I were in his place, I would want the matter to be cleared up.

Only I didn't know exactly how to start. It would probably be better to rip the band-aid off quickly, that way it would probably be less painful. I sat up straighter and pushed through my shoulders. "Jay, I think we need to talk." I began cautiously. His head snapped up, there was a mixture of terror, panic, fear but also relief in his brown eyes. He just nodded and looked expectantly into my eyes.

"I-" my voice failed again and I restarted, "I'm sorry." Tears were already welling up inside me. "I messed up so bad and I'm hating myself for it. I understand you're mad, but I swear to you, I didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't planned!"

A bitter snort escaped Jay's mouth and his face darkened. "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice sounded more composed than I would have expected. Slowly I rose, as if afraid to scare Jay away with a jerky movement. "That's what I wanted. Before you witnessed the argument between me and Heeseung, I intended to tell you everything. I didn't want you to find out this way."

Now a tear rolled down my cheek. Jay stood up as well. He didn't come toward me, however, but walked past me to the window. His voice sounded energetic on the wooden floorboards of my room. I could guess that he was looking out the window straight at Heeseung's room and just hoped that he wasn't there or would notice Jay visiting me.

"Why him?" Now his voice got louder and I could see the anger and disappointment in his eyes.  "Heeseung of all people?!" "I know..." Another tear silently made its way out. My head began to throb again and I also felt renewed flushes of heat, replaced by chills. My breathing got a little heavier and I sat down, because all at once I was totally exhausted again.

Jay came over to me. "But this with us-" He hesitated "This is real isn't it? You like me." "Yes I like you and what happened between us was real." I confirmed. "Was?"

Frustrated, I ran my hands through my hair. "Well, Jay...we've only been together a few days, we've only known each other a little over a month. I like you. A lot, actually, but I'm not sure it's enough to..." I was sure, but I didn't know how to put it in the most considerate way possible.

"You're not in love with me." He stated matter-of-factly. I nodded in embarrassment. Again his mood swung, but this time he almost shouted and at the some anger in his voice I involuntarily flinched. "You mean to tell me you don't love me, but you love him? You of all people, who are oh so smart, fall for this scam!"? He laughs spitefully. "Do you really think he seriously likes you?"

My eyes grow wide, tears now running unchecked down my cheeks. "What are you talking about?" I whisper, looking up at him sheepishly. "What am I talking about? I'm explaining to you that he fucked you over." His voice sounds bitter, almost spiteful.

An uneasy feeling makes itself known in the pit of my stomach, and I dread what I'm about to hear next. "What do you mean?" I find it hard to speak. "Heeseung thought it would be easy to get you around. I was against it. You were just a challenge and that's the only reason he was interested in you."

I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment. "No." I said "That's not true." Tears running down my cheeks consistently now. "You're just saying that because you're mad." I try to convince myself and tell myself that Jay is just so hurt that he now wants to hurt me too.

"It's the truth Clara. I really liked you and I would have liked to spare you this, but you deserve to know the truth. After all, we're being honest with each other now, aren't we?" Snorting derisively, he suddenly turned around, moved away from the window, and then left my room without a goodbye. Just like that, and he left me silently crying on my bed.

I was petrified and only when I heard the front door downstairs slam loudly into the lock did I lift my eyes. First it wandered to the window, and I tried to see into Heeseung's room. I even had the impression to see a movement over there, but when I looked again, there was nothing. I continued to cry without being able to do anything about it.

What should I do now?