Loving Anna

Anna-Chapter 24

I fucked up. So so bad. I hurt her fuck why did I say that. I slid down my counter. That call...why did I pick it up why did I ruin our moment even worse why did I stay. Why did I listen to the bullshit my ex girlfriend was feeding me. I hear the door slam behind Lyssa and I fall. I Fall to the ground with no one...nothing to catch me. I descend so far into darkness I didn't even realize that I had fallen asleep on the ground. I pulled myself up and got dressed like a zombie. I opened my phone to nothing. Literally a black screen since I hadn't charged it. It was probably on all night. Shit. I couldn't...what if she thought I blocked her. I ruined what we had the moment we had by being like that. She's right I assumed the worst out of her...I do it all the time and I can't stop...I don't understand what's wrong with me. I trudged off to school knowing that today was going to be a real shit show.

It's only been a few hours and I miss her. Her hair, her eyes, her smile...I don't get it. I just wanted to erase her from my mind today but she keeps coming back to haunt me. All the good moments seem to be consumed by darkness...by fear...by my stupid insecurities...I was just so afraid of being hurt by someone again I didn't see that she was right in front of me. What I wanted was her...but I couldn't let her have my heart...even when she gave me every piece of hers...I shattered at the thought of how she went home last night. I have never hated myself so much until that one moment. Because goddamn does this hurt.

It's currently 2 am the exact time I got home last night to find her waiting for me...she waited for me. She waited for me all that time and I didn't even see that. School dragged on for hours and I didn't see her...at all. She probably skipped today knowing she would see my awful face. Why am I like this...god I have to fix this I have to figure out a way to heal what I've hurt. My parents didn't ask why I was so depressed during dinner I guess they just assumed I was tired after being stuck in cinderblock prison for hours on end...my parents who loved Lyssa didn't know what and idiot their daughter was. How bad she hurt people. How awful she was. How she didn't deserve shit. My shoulders start to heave and I don't even remember when I got up and picked up my pencil. I cried so hard writing. I wrote her a poem. My tears stained the sheet of paper as I kept writing. It was like my hand didn't belong to me and I was putting my heart to work...my heart was writing every single page. I finally stopped and my hand started shaking with the pain I felt. I started to cry even harder as I dropped my pencil on the desk. I clutched my chest where it hurt. It hurt so bad. The pain I was feeling...it didn't even compare to hers probably. And then I got the call...the call that threw me for a loop...the call the caused my world...my whole world to come crashing down. She was okay I reminded myself the call said she was stable. I was speeding to the hospital where Lyssa was...she was in an accident...it was bad...so so so bad. They said she was critical when she got there but now she was stable...she hadn't woken up though...and they didn't know when she would. I wrote a love poem for you Lyssa. You can't leave like this...not when I still have so much to say..our story is so far from over you can't...I can't do it without you. I spent a few hours working it out with the hospital before they let me into the room to see her. She had cuts lining her face. She was hit by a drunk driver who was now in jail and perfectly fine...even though I knew the science behind drunk drivers being fine after accidents it didn't piss me off any less. I was so angry...at that man...at her...at myself. Mostly at myself for...somehow causing this. Fuck where was she driving...if it was to see me I'd never forgive myself. She can't have done this...please Lyssa wake up so you can read what I wrote for you. So I can prove that I'm nothing like him. You were scared and angry but I broke you I broke your ability to love with my own inability. I sat by her bed for what felt like days until a nurse came in and forced me to go get something to eat. I didn't want to but I felt weak and the nurse...being a nurse could probably sense that I needed someone to make me walk away because I couldn't do it on my own. I are and returned to her bedside. People can in and out but I didn't notice...all that I could see was her not what was happening around me...I missed three days of school and thousands of texts from people. Lyssa's parents weren't here but mine were. They were there to make sure when she woke up she would have a family to greet her to let her know she was okay. The doctors said to be positive but I couldn't stop myself 'what if she never wakes up.' Just as I thought all hope was lost and the doctors were going tell me she was in a permanent coma. I felt a stirring beside me...and her blue eyes opened as mine filled with tears. "I'm sorry." I chocked. "Anna." She whispered. And that's when I knew...she couldn't forgive me.