Loving Anna

Anna-Chapter 17

The next day I woke up still wraped in Lyssa's warm arms. I felt her stir beside me and pull her arms away to rub her eyes. Even when she woke up she was still just as beautiful. I noticed that her eyes were still puffy and red and I was scared she may have still cried even after I feel asleep. She turned to me and kissed me on the cheek. "Good morning." She said groggily. I kissed her on the nose and climbed out of bed. My dresser was still on the floor but I paid no attention to it as I moved to get out of my room. I heard Lyssa call for me but I needed to make up for last time after we had sex...I didn't take care of her like I should have so now I will. I started to cook her breakfast I already knew her favorite foods so it wasn't to hard. I brought her breakfast in bed and she sat up immediately. She grinned at me and took the plate out of my hands. I sat on the edge of the bed ignoring the elephant in the room. I heard the plate clicking behind me but that's the only sound in the room. You could honestly hear a pin drop. She finally cleared her throat prompting me to turn around and face her. And when I turned around I was met with her beautiful blue eyes staring at me. She still looked sad just not as sad. Not like the weight of the world was weighing down on her...more like she was glad she has me but that didn't make her forget everything. She cleared her throat again like she wanted to say something or wanted to prompt me to say something. I finally said "so how are you." Dumb response I know but I've never been in this situation before. She just kind of looked at me and shook her head. "Do you want to report him" I whispered. She started to tear up and shook her head again. I nodded again not really understanding her decisions but knowing that I still had to respect them even if I didn't like them. We both sat in awkward silence for a little while before I tried talking to her again. "What happened back there Lyssa..." she looked at me and started to cry. Shivering sobs. It was sad to hear but I didn't make any moves to try and comfort her. Once she stopped crying and looked up at me again I asked her again "what happened Lyssa please...talk to me." She sighed "Justin and I...we've been dating for a while...god I was even considering moving Ohio for him...but it's...I've been well wondering if I was gonna be worth it to anyone else...maybe I would never find anyone better than Justin...so I figured I would put up with all the bad to get the good side of Justin...then I met you and you made me feel wanted...and loved...for the first time in a while I finally thought I found someone who could love me...who finally...well I didn't have to get hit or degraded to finally feel happy I guess. Then you ran away...and I thought maybe Justin really was the only person I would ever get...the only person who wouldn't run who would...who would want me. But then you came back...you saved me kind of...we saved each other I guess but I didn't...I don't know why I don't want to press charges it's just like some part of me still can't...even with the thought of him doing this to other girls...he would come after me Anna. I know he would. And if I'm being completely honest I'm scared...no I'm terrified. I'm terrified that if I were to report him then he would...well do a lot worse than hit me. I'm so scared Anna and there isn't...wasnt anyone to protect me not even my parents. They don't...they don't even know what's happening. I usually have the house cleaned before...before they come home. I don't blame them Anna I've never told them anything so they can't know...Anna I'm so scared. I..." she started to cry again holding herself...shaking...broken. I had just watched the girl I loved break right in front of me. This time I moved to hug her...but she put her hand up stopping me. "I'm not done Anna...before I can let you in physically it's better you know me mentally...there's a lot more than Justin...I've lost friends Anna good friends real friends I feel like the only person I've been able to depend on is...is Avery the only friend I have ever felt like I could trust because she the only person who's ever earned that...I thought I could trust you...or at least try but then when you turned away...I felt that feeling again. My parents kind of gave me the idea that I wouldn't find someone who loved me like Justin did...like I could put up with the bad to get to the good. My dad...used to...sometimes hit my mom. But she never broke up with them you know they raised me...raised me to belive that love was...meant that you had to put up with the hitting and the abuse the constant names...telling me I will never be enough...telling me I can't do anything without him and no one...no one loves me not even my mom...I know it's not true but still hearing that...god it hurts Anna a few times I wondered...wondered if maybe I could...if I should just report him...even if he hurt me or even if he...did worse....it would be worth it be would never make anyone ever feel like that again even if that meant...sacrificing myself to get there. I didn't want to and still don't want to report him and risk that but...my inner thought are telling me not to think so much about myself. Maybe he's right and I don't matter. Maybe I won't be anything because I've only ever...only ever had one person tell me that I could truly be something. Do you know how that feels Anna? Because I know you have friends...but I don't know them don't know how they act...but I can tell that they make you happy...they don't abuse you or be awful to you...tell you that you aren't even that pretty sleep with every fucking boy you like. They don't seem like that but please Anna correct me because I know your life isn't sunshine and rainbows but you don't know a lot of these feelings...you don't know what a lot of this feels like." She gasped for air after her word vomit. I was shocked...shocked because I knew some of this...but not all of this when I thought of her...when I saw her in her life jsut watching her I knew she was lonely...but she was right I didn't know how it felt to be lonely. I didn't know these feelings because...I've never been abused and neglected the way she has...sure I have my struggles and my drama but even saying any of that feels...selfish...because I'm complaining about such minuscule things when her life is hell...she's been going through hell and I haven't cared. I've cared more about myself and saving myself from heartbreak that...that I broke her in the process. I hurt her. Worse than I could imagine. I don't want this to be another toxic relationship. I don't want this relationship to be her...her last straw I want to be there for her. I want to help her. "You can say whatever you want Anna I want you to talk to me...it won't be stupid or anything." She said as if she had read my mind. "I don't really know what to say" I admitted "I feel like no matter what I'm gonna say the wrong thing...and what I say isn't even near to what you've faced...and you've faced it alone you have faced so much alone I can't even fathom it. But I guess if you really want me to...I know you want me to...I know you want me to tell you about my past and my life...but Lyssa it doesn't come close to your struggles. It doesn't...compare." "We aren't comparing issues here Anna just talk to me...I talked to you it's your turn...if we want to do this...we both have to talk not just...not just ignore problems...problems we clearly have." She interrupted. I sighed "okay Lyssa I will I'll talk to you...I mean the hardest thing I've been through...I mean sure I've had friend drama I have had my fair share of mean girls but it kind of stopped at middle school...I mean I got into arguments with my friends but not like...well life changing one's where we learned that we all hated each other or were fake to each other liek you have...and you are right I haven't felt like I can't do anything or I will never be able to do anything. My friends supposrt me even if they get on my nerves I love them and they love me...god Lyssa I even have caring parents who want to protect me. I mean I have one crazy stalker ex but nothing like Justin not even close...I've never felt sad or lonely or scared like you...I've felt like I'm not enough at times but...but I haven't felt like I needed to die just so that one awful awful person would finally...maybe get his consequences. Sure my parents divorced and that sucks I've been to funerals I've felt loss...but I've never felt lost the way you do...the way you feel...makes me question if I should really complain as much as I do even bitch about this horrible girl in my 7th period anymore maybe I should appreciate all that I have because people have it worse...but I can't just not feel. I do feel because I'm human and even though I kind of feel bad for feeling this way when your struggling I can't just stop. I have faced things. I have demons...I have felt like no girl I've ever loved...really loved me back. But nothing...no one like Justin. I don't...I don't know what else to say to you. Because I'm sorry. I'm sorry you feel horrible. I'm sorry you feel lonely. I'm sorry for some of my feelings. I'm sorry I wasn't someone you could trust. I'm sorry I let you down...I'm sorry I ran when you needed me. I'm sorry I didn't look up from my own life and my crush on you and who I thought you were enough to care. I'm sorry I was glad you were lonely because no one should have to feel that way...no one." Her eyes filled with tears again and she grabbed me and pulled me close. I felt her start to cry into my shoulder. Softer sobs this time but still...still filled with pain...not just her pain my pain as well...I started to cry hearing her cry...we both just held each other and cried. She whispered I love you into my shoulder about a hundred times...through sobs I heard the words...I was crying silent tears but I knew she felt them...in that moment our pain...our trauma...it was like we shared it...our tears mixed and so did our hearts...our hearts entwined through pain. I didn't want it to I wanted to have her heart when she was happy. But I couldn't...she needed to give me her heart in this moment...she didn't want to give herself to me but she had to...she needed someone to finally share the hurt with and finally have someone other than Avery to depend on...someone to love her. I pulled back and looked into her eyes...puffy and red but still just as beautiful blue as I knew them. "I can't love you yet Lyssa...you can't love me yet...we have to deal with this...and we will do it together I don't want to leave you...I won't leave you...but I don't want your heart when your sad and in pain. I want your heart when your happy and ready. Ready to love again. Ready when you've picked up the pieces of your life and figured it all out. Ready when you understand yourself and understand your pain. Ready to trust me again...I need you when your ready Lyssa because I don't...I can't let this love break you." I said. She nodded with no sadness just numbness. I pulled her close to me again...not knowing how long she would need to be ready...but knew...I would love her until, during, and after. I would love Lyssa...even when I couldn't.