Loving Anna

Lyssa-Chapter 25

My head hurt so bad as I fell back into my bed. I wanted to go home so badly. Especially since I was in desperate need of a shower...I smelled like a hospital mixed with sweat not a pretty combination if I do say so myself. Of course as soon as I woke up Anna's big green eyes were staring at me...of course she was here. I reminded myself that she still cared or at least I hoped. She had left a letter on my bedside table waiting for me to read it...honestly I wanted to tear is up and throw it away that way...I wouldn't forgive her so easily. My heart still hurt after our huge blowout a couple nights ago...do I really love her? She only knows the dark parts of my heart and...is that enough for me anymore? Sure having sex with her was great and all and I loved her family but more and more thoughts drowned that out. Was I finally coming to my senses and realizing what we had wasn't...it wasn't real. I had said I loved her after one kiss...but is this what love feels like? I'm still staring at this stupid love letter or whatever until I finally decide to open it. Why do you keep on trying Anna? My brain just wanted her to let me go and stop caring about me but my heart kept telling me otherwise...it hurts knowing the betrayal of Anna was always meant to come but...what did I expect. The wound from my past relationship was so fresh and Anna and I...well we hadn't exactly taken it slow...we jumped right in with the "I love you's" not to mention sleeping together. God that was honestly the part that I regret most and...I wanted to blame her so so so badly for not letting me take it slow but she was...she was still immature I should have known better hell I should have stood up for myself. The excitement of someone who cared just took over. Fuck I really need to read that letter otherwise its just gonna drive me crazy until I get released. I promised myself that I would really think this through before falling back no matter what this piece of paper said...here we go Anna lets see what you said this time.

Shit. That's all I can say. Shit shit shit. Why did she have to write this. Shit...no ones ever written me a poem like this before. Basically describing my beauty. My voice...god I could get lost in her words. No! I can't I promised myself that I wouldn't get so caught up in her infatuation of me...I can't let her take hold of me like this...not when I'm in the hospital especially. Jesus Anna what is wrong with us. I can't just jump back into your arms like I have every time before. But I can't act impulsive or hasty I actually needed to think about this. Except...I already know what I'm planning on doing. And oh god is it gonna be a whirlwind of shit. I'm gonna write her a letter the same-ish one she wrote me. Only it won't be for why I love her. Because I don't, can't, and won't love the girl that I clearly don't know. She's still a kid who doesn't know how to handle this...and I can't keep letting it go on. I already made that mistake with Justin...Anna is no Justin not even close...but I could see it getting that far...not even physically abusive but emotionally...we both would be I can't shove this all on her. As soon as I got home I picked up my pen and through my tears through my heart screaming at me for doing this...I started to write.

Dear Anna,

As you probably already know, I'm out of the hospital. I'm free!! Not to mention I survived. I survived the car crash. The doctors told me I was very lucky that I wasn't killed on impact. I can't even think about that, I can't imagine the sheer amount of pain before it just turned to nothingness. But this letter isn't about how I faced near death, no this is about something probably less important but still. It's about us or more so your poem. The one you left on my bedside for me to read. I read it. I fulfilled that duty and I read it over and over again scanning in between every line for something. Something other than how pretty or amazing I was something along the lines of an apology. Did you notice that? You never ever said sorry. And yeah I still don't even know what happened to drive you away that night but god Anna, it was like a huge wall came between us and I hadn't even realized how long it had been there. It was always there though. You knew the darkest and deepest parts of me, but did you notice how you never knew anything else about me? I could kick puppies for fun and you wouldn't even know. I think we started too fast Anna. I really do. We started with a kiss that turned into something more. And after all you're just...you're still a kid. An immature kid who's never really known a true relationship because I think you just fall too fast for your own good. I don't blame you I blame myself, I wish I would have told you we needed to take it slow. I met your parents, I slept in your bed, you slept in mine, all before we went out to the movies or anything like that. I think what I craved from you was the attention and the validation I never got from Justin, but the difference between you and Justin was that he knew how to handle most problems when we started our relationship, much to my surprise he didn't always lash out at me. But you do. And no I'm not saying that I would ever go back to Justin what I'm saying is I'm an adult you're still just another teenager. So that's why I'm moving. To New York. Tomorrow. I already filled out the paperwork to graduate early. I won't be able to walk at graduation or even celebrate but somehow I'm okay with that decision. It isn't you that drove me away, your only part of the problem, I'm the bigger part. I need to get to college where I can be with people like me, hell maybe even make friends. I can't be at that school and I can't even face you after I deliver this letter before I get on the plane. I can't look into your eyes and willingly leave because, well you make me want to stay. My heart aches for you Anna and I truly wish I could say I love you, but I don't. I don't love you because I can't not after what happened with Justin I can't give my heart up so easily anymore. I can't let anyone have it, but looking at you would make me want you to have it. But you can't have it. Not until I pick up the pieces of my life. I suppose this is a breakup letter but were we ever really together? Sure you pleasured me and I let you call me your girlfriend, but did we ever think of each other that way. You told people and I told no one because, well because I wasn't sure what to say. When people come up with those questions like how long have you known each other? Or what kind of dates have you been on? We don't have an answer Anna. Anna, we are not people who love each other. And I'm sorry it had to be this way, but this isn't love, and as much as you deny it you know it too.

I'll always have you in my heart Anna and I wish you the best. The tattoo I got is and always will be a reminder to myself that at one time I could let someone have my heart. Or what I thought my heart was. Trust me when I say the pain goes away, all I ask is you do one thing for me Anna.

You move on.

Lyssa

And that's when I finally told my heart...stop loving Anna.