Loving Anna

Lyssa and Anna-Chapter 18

5 weeks later

Lyssa
Trauma. By definition it means a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Over my 18 years of life I've faced so much but I never categorized it as trauma...until I met Anna. When I met her a whirlwind of emotions flooded me. Some of it was pain...most of it was pain. Loving someone means pain. Pain helps us grow. Pain makes us stronger. From beginning my life has been filled with pain. Sadness. Loneliness. It's hard to admit and at first I never wanted to. I wanted to keep being okay. Even if being okay meant I would be alone. I couldn't even talk to Avery...and that affected me. I needed someone anyone to talk to. But instead I just wanted to keep being okay so I didn't have to put the effort in to change. Change. Also a scary word. But sometimes it's not so scary. Sometimes things need to change. And that's when change becomes necessary. It's become such for me. I need change I just didn't want to make it. My life needed a change. Meaning...I had to cut Justin out. And that was hard...really hard my whole life was based around him for so long. He was really my only friend. Avery was still my friend but was only focused on herself and her life. I tried taking to her and she ignored me. I haven't dropped her yet. Wich did not make Carolina happy...my therapist. I asked my parents for one and they refused. So I paid for one myself. Shes teaching me a lot about my life. She's helping...I think. I hope. I really need help and this time I'm ready to admit it. I have never before admitted that...but this time I will. I started making more friends...getting out of my shell a little bit. I started not talking to Coach Blake as much and started making more senior friends. I felt less lonely...isolation was what I was feeling. I was alone trying to face all these things but now...now I feel a little less alone. A little. I miss Anna Like Crazy...but honestly I really needed to focus on myself. Anna and I...we've talked since the incident at her house and kissing in the rain and shit...it sucked without her. But I couldn't depend on her for everything. I couldn't let us become so codependent. That would hurt us...whatever we were...well are ish. I've hung out with her since then but usually it was awkward...we didn't really know what to talk about. She seems alright...happy I suppose. But at the same time I can feel some sort of daunting sadness looming over her. Things have been happening in her family...she told me about it...I don't think she wanted to go into too much detail because she only mentioned it in passing. I haven't been with anyone else. Being honest with myself I really only see my heart with Anna. I still love her. In more ways than you could imagine. She knows about my therapy and we've even talked about college. I'm going to be a nurse. I want to do something to somehow help people. Carolina said that might help me. I'm moving...but not very far. Only an hour or so. I didn't want to tell her but hiding it...would make it thousands times worse. I think it would just add to her hurt. She's hurting in ways I can't quite reach and sometimes I feel like...I feel like maybe she needs a therapist as well. But I can't base my life around hers. Sometimes I need to put my feelings over her own. Sometimes I don't. But I can't always think and talk about Anna. Carolina told me not to write about her but I had to mention her. I haven't written in the journal she gave me and I'm only writing now because I trust her more. I trust her instincts now. Now that's she been right so many times. Last thing about Anna. I gave her a journal...one like mine. So that she could write. Writing helped me and maybe it will help her. I think it could. It could help her get all her feelings out. I gave it to her last night and in a fit of emotion I texted her. It was a pretty dumb message but I said "hey Anna I wanted you to have a journal like mine to help you...like mine helped me. I want you to know that I mean what I've said before...I never stopped loving you...I wrote something for you in the last page...just in case whenever I go off to college we...well we don't make it. Sometimes drowning is the best thing for people. Drowning so they can come back. I don't want you to drown like I did. I don't want you to be so close to the edge you almost fall. I don't want you to have to play tug of war with life and lose. I want you to win Anna. Win life...with or without me. I love you Anna...always." And she texted me back...it was almost hurtful to my heartfelt message but at least I got a response she said "thank you for caring Lyssa...I promise I'll write...and I also won't forget you. I'll love you...and I'll always have you in my heart no matter what...even if you find someone else you've given me something...something I've never really had before. Thanks again." It felt...stiff and almost strained like someone had to force her to write it...I guess that's the update of my life...even if Anna despises me...that makes me think maybe I was lucky to get away...maybe it would have ended in another bad relationship. Maybe...maybe and only maybe it wouldn't have broken me. But I can't take chances like that...especially not while I'm rebuilding. I meant it though...I really do love her...so badly...it pains me.

Anna
Yes I've always thought writing down your feelings was a bit overrated...but this was a gift. Or a gift I presume. I mean it had a very lengthy message attached to it. But...maybe Lyssas right and doing this will help me...like it helped her. She looks a lot happier now. Lighter and more confident in the way she holds herself. She interacts with so many more people and got accepted into the college she wants. Right now....she's got pretty much every thing she asked for. She only talked about her therapist once with me but that's fine. As long as she's nice and is really helping her then I'm happy. I am happy for her. Do I wish she hadn't moved on from me? Yes. She's toying with me a bit. Trying to make me not feel so bad over the fact that we didn't work out. I've accepted it. We weren't right for each other or maybe I just came in at the wrong time. I wish things had been different. God if Justin wasn't in the picture maybe this wouldn't be all messed up. It still hurts to think about...a lot of people including my parents are telling me to get over her and that they always knew we wouldn't work out. Which sucks...because I always thought we could and we would make it work. There's no chance now the way I see it she's moved on...she keeps saying she loves me but I just don't feel it anymore..besides I'm pretty sure she's leaving today. Leaving as in going on a trip to visit her friend Avery. She told me they needed to work through some stuff and going to see her would be the best thing...for both of them. I trust her. I Trust she knows herself not to mention her bestfriend. If she wants to go see her in whatever state she can. But she texted me earlier telling me she probably wouldn't have service for a while. At first I was hopeful..I told her when she was ready just to tell me. Text me or call me anything along those lines. She agreed but I haven't gotten anything of that sort yet. My hopes got lower and lower the more time we spent apart. Even though he hung out sometimes it was most just to talk. She would try to convince me to go to therapy. I would be lying if I said there wasn't resentment stuck in my heart. I wanted her to be okay enough for me. That selfish part of me was slowly starting to wear out. I mean yes I wanted her to want me but...but I couldn't force her into that. Maybe I should trust her feelings over my own. If she said to me that she wasn't okay but she needed to be with me...I think I would have said yes 3 weeks ago...but now I probably would tell her to be okay and then we could talk. Hell were we talking? Mixed messages was really all I got from her. She's suffered so much and I want her suffering to end but clearly...that didn't mean letting me in...she did let me in once though. She let me see her see through her. And I let her see through me. It wasn't and will never be a mistake to have been so vulnerable with her. I'm glad I know what I do about her. And yes I always will feel that way. I'm not sure someone I loved so strongly will just disappear from my life. I love...loved her. I can't love her anymore. I need to not love her anymore. She doesn't need me suffocating her trying to get her to love me back. She needs to be free...free to experience...experience college and this new...better chapter of her life. It'll be great and while she's doing that I'll be finishing high school and going on to become a lawyer in New York. Lyssa and I are going to have to forget this...hurricane that swept us away...a hurricane love isn't something most people survive. And Lyssa may be right that most people have to survive by drowning but I don't want to be her reason to drown. I need...wanted to be her reason to survive but I can't...I won't be. She's better than me. Better at expressing herself and she will find someone, if she wants of course, who loves her in a non smothering or abusive way. I hate that I feel like comparing myself to Justin but that's who I became I became her next Justin her next toxic relationship. My phone dinged with a text I thought was from my father but when I read it my stomach filled with butterflies. It was Lyssa and I hated to admit that texts from her still made my heart flutter. "Hey just wanted you to know that I'm on the way to the airport and I hope you have a nice weekend!" It was saddening to see the cordial message so I just replied a quick "you too have fun with whoever." It seemed mean so I added an exclamation at the end to make myself seem a bit more peppy. I heard my doorbell ring and figured it was Nate coming to take me to his soccer game but instead I was greeted with those blue eyes and that blonde hair. That smile that I had tried so hard to move on from. Those eyes that I had worked so hard to hate. She smiled at me "Anna." I nodded for her to continue "Im ready...Im ready for you Anna."