May 4, 2015
C A L U M
As soon as I wake up, my mind is filled with memories of last night. It's so embarassing. Even just thinking about her seeing me in a time of such vulnerability and horniness brings heat to my face, and I feel like dying. Aspen probably has an instinct that I like her, now...
So... why not just make it clear to her?
I jolt awake, surprised at myself. These feelings that I have for Aspen have been with me since Christmas time, at Mali's wedding. Ever since I first saw her after the whole hospital thing. And now it's May. It took all this time for Aspen to realize how much of a dick her ex was to her, and for me to gather up enough courage to tell her that I do truly love her, more than any other guy can or will.
The excitement and heat of the moment gets to me, and I fly out of my bed, finding some jeans that are most likely dirty (but i dont care) on the floor to put on. I search for a tanktop to wear, since it's smoldering outside, and throw it on as well.
Here goes nothing.
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The old town part of the city surrounds me as I park on the street in front of Grandma Lil's bookstore. The excitement I was feeling turns into nerves and I have to force my legs to walk up to the door. When it opens, a bell jingles above me. I've noticed it before but this is the first time it startles me.
Taylah spots me and waves me over to the counter. I approach her, a nervous twitch in mt fingers. "Hey, Calum."
"Hi. Um... Where's Aspen?" I ask, looking around as I talk with Taylah.
"Back in her office." Taylah informs me, jabbing her thumb in the direction of where Aspen is.
It's so weird to me that Aspen has her own office space.
I let myself behind the counter, and slowly open the door labeled office in bold etters on a little golden plaque. As soon as I see Aspen, her back to me as she sits at her desk, my confidence deflates like a crummy balloon.
I can't tell her. Not today, not anytime soon.
"Aspen..." Her name quietly rolls off of my tongue, as I try to catch her attention.
She tenses up and stops what she's doing, getting up from her chair in a flustered hurry, covering whatever she was doing with her body.
"Oh, Calum. Hi. I um-" She stutters, and looks all around the room, except for at me. She leans a little onto her desk, covering whatever it is she wants to cover more, but her butt manages to knock off all of the papers that were just resting on it. "Oh my god..."
Without hesitation, I take a knee and start to pick up the papers. They're papers torn out of a notebook, all of them filled with scribbles of Aspen's writing. I don't read any of them, in respect for her privacy, but I notice my name a few times in the lines. She's been writing about me on these pages. I can't tell if that's good or bad. I focus on the papers covered in just silly doodles, and I don't hesitate to let out an adoring giggle. She's so cute.
"Sometimes to blow off steam, I write down my thoughts. Any where I can." Aspen breaks the silence, her voice soft as she explains the pages. "It helped me get over my anxiety. It comes back sometimes, but I've conquered most of it with writing. My tattoos help a lot too." Another chuckle is hears in the room, this time by her.
I look at her with a tight lipped smile of adoration. It warms my heart to hear that she got over a mental disorder. It brings me happiness, and makes me just want to hug her. I couldn't be more proud of my best friend.
She doesn't look up at me, I can't tell if it's because of her shyness or if she's still scarred from seeing my penis, and just continues to gather up the last few dropped pages. I let out a small and awkward cough as I stand up along with her, handing her the peices I picked up. Still, her eyes don't meet mine.
"Listen, about last night." I start to talk, but she's quick to cut me off.
"I don't think we should talk about it."
"No, we definitely need to talk about it. What you saw was private, it- it was-"
Once again, I'm cut off. "I know, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have just walked in on you like I did. Even though I did knock."
"Ever heard of knocking louder?"
"Calum, please don't start being mean." She lets out a huff, and drops her pages onto the desk, her hands landing on each of her wide hips as she stares at the floor. "I just don't want anything to change between us. You're the last person I have."
My heart breaks as her voice cracks at the end of her last sentence. I quickly pull her into my body as she starts to cry.
"Darcey's gone. Grandma's gone. Raff's gone. My family barely talks to me." Aspen's words are hardly audible as she lets out her emotions that paper cannot hold.
"Aspen... I know you dont want to hear this, but I'm really not the only one you have. Maybe your family doesn't talk to you, but they're probably just giving you space since Grandma Lil passed. And her passing was not your fault. She was old, and now she's in a better place. Darcey just moved, she didn't disappear. And Raff... Don't even think about that idiot anymore." I whisper into her ear, while rubbing her back in comfort.
"That didn't make me feel better at all." She says honestly. A sly smile starts to spread on my face as I think of another method to get her smiling. My fingers twitch, and in a flash, they're tickling her sides.
Her virtigo inducing laugh fills the room, making me smile in accomplishment. She tries to squirm away from me, but I keep one arm wrapped tightly around her waist, still using my other hand to tickle one of her side.
"Calum!" She almost screams, but I hush her by stopping the tickling abruptly.
My arm is still tightly wrapped around her, keeping her at my side. I look down at her, my breathing increasing along with hers, realizing how close our faces are. My eyes flicker down to her lips and back up to her eyes, not being abkd to help myself. I want to kiss her so fucking badly. But, I can't.
"I don't want things to change between us either." I say softly, my hand reaching up to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"Calum... Why did you say my name? While you were... you know..." She says.
My face falls, along with my mood. I knew she heard me, I knew it. I just want to blame everything on her, for walking in on me without knocking, for coming to my place without an invitation. But, I know this is mostly my fault. I should've locked my door. Neither of the things she did are even a big deal, but if I had just locked my door, none of this would have even happened in the first place, which means the tension between us would be gone, too. Oh, how I wish I could turn back time and do things right.
She cuts through the awkward silence after her question, when I should've answered her. "Do you... Do you have feelings for me, Calum?"
Her eyes search mine for something, but I hide all of my emotions, my face becoming a blank canvas.
I know I'm going to regret the decision I'm about to make, but I decide for it anyways.
I run.
I run straight out of Aspen's office, straight out of the bookstore, and into my car, speeding off like no one's business.
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[an]
i'm getting good with updating i'm so proud of me.
tell me ur thoughts bc u all know i lob them and u
