Unrequited? Air at Sea

42. Thanks & Apologies

Arie continued..

He kneels onto his knees and takes my hands in his.

"You made me realize something about myself." He starts.

"What?"

"That I'm not myself. I haven't been for a long time. I don't know anything about who I really am and I hardly know where to start learning.

The person that I was...Tristan was taken from me.. that day. By the time my parents changed my name it was the final nail in his coffin. The day I became Tee I was so lost that all I could do was look around at the people nearest for what to do. How to act.....

A tear breaks free of his lashes and he quickly wipes it away before starting again.

He peers at me with such desperate glossy eyes.

"Arie..I feel dead inside from constantly being and doing what others think I outta. It's made me feel completely alone and empty. The only time I don't feel empty is when I'm with you.

You do make me feel safe but it isn't why you think. It's cause when I'm with you I feel like him. Like Tristan. Since what happened...being with you is the only time I feel like a real person. I feel like a puppet that comes to life only in your presence.

The day ..the police found me I was taken to the hospital."

He takes a deep breath.

"They needed to...perform .....a rape kit.... I was so traumatized when the doctor tried to touch me..my mind kept taking me back to the basement....with him. They had to keep sedating me so I would stop screaming.

They sedated me so much I was a zombie. I had forgotten I was even saved. I didn't remember I was safe until you appeared beside me.

You wrapped your tiny arms around me and I buried my face in your curls. Your smell... your voice made me realize I was home..that I was safe."

My heart is breaking and I can hardly expand my chest. I don't know when I started crying. I hadn't realized until I wiped at my running nose.

I lift my tshirt and wipe at my wet face.

Trish is quiet for a few minutes he only speaks again after I lift my gaze to meet his.

"That was the first thing I never thanked you for...the second is staying by my side so I wouldn't lose my fucking mind. Thank you so much for being with me every single night and holding me when I cried.

My apologies start from when I began to use you for the peace you gave me.

The second thing I want to apologize for is not understanding the difference between pedophilia and being gay back then. And for  treating what we had between us so carelessly because I feared accepting it.

I'm sorry for going out with Kelly even though I knew how we felt about each other. I'm sorry for prioritizing anyone over you, taking you for granted, using you, and being unable to love you properly but holding on to you selfishly.
I'm sorry for every time I hurt you, made you feel like a freak, or feel ignored or unimportant. Which isn't true you are the most important person to me. I would have died or been lost without you.

But most importantly making you feel like I don't love you when Arie I really fucking do. I am so unsure of myself and what's real for me. But not that.. not our love. It's the only thing I am certain about. I just don't know how to show you properly because I'm so fcucked up.