Unlovable

.4.

When was the last time I went to a party?

Oh yes I remember, when my so called best friend, Lyda back stabbed me like a bitçh she was. Sorry my dear friends, for my extremely crude language which I was spellbound to use for I was in a foul mood because of a jerk of a doctor who thought it was cool to treat others like perfect shït.

And by others I meant, me.

I was in a complete foul mood. It was worse than experiencing cramps during holidays when you are supposed to chill. Being treated by an unknown with rudeness can be handled and forgotten with time, but being treated with rudeness by someone you love and care leaves a strong impression on the fragile heart. I kept on thinking that he loved me, and his words meant something and he would realise that I did not deserve such attitude and pain, but he did not. The pain of such behaviour was one thing, but twice of that pain was the feeling that has to be accepted that yes,it was the hard reality that he moved on. I had informed Crystal that I was going to the party with them, which the only way I saw in order to stop my uncontrollable tears from escaping my eyes. It was such a painful moment and even thinking about that made me nauseous. I would never go to pick him up from the airport and neither will I call him again or initiate a meeting between us. If doctor Vincenzo Genesis was going to treat me like nothing, I would show him how to be treated like one.

Locking away my emotions in the cages of freedom and unrequited love, I decided that it was the best to move on. I knew I was lying to myself. It was my first love, it was the first time I explored myself physically and emotionally and giving everything up would be easy for a man like Vincenzo but never for me.

I pulled my hair up in a high ponytail, unlike the regular styling I did with my hair. Usually I let it cascade down my shoulders but for accurate reasons, I felt like being bad. I felt like I should be like my friends for once, who laugh even when they do whatever they want, without planning or organisation of life. I was tired of being good, and not getting anything good in return. I had opportunities to explore my love life at the fullest but I stayed committed to him. I wasted so much of my precious time thinking about him almost every hour of the day. I was a fool, and he showed me how big of a fool I was.

I took out a short dress, which was golden and shiny in color and texture, and if I was being myself, I would definitely discard it because of its short length. It barely reached the thighs and I remembered Crystal giving this to me when I shared my coffee with her for the first time. She just threw the dress on my bed and said that it wouldn't fit her thick back. Crystal was taller than me, and her body was very curvaceous. I was shorter and petite, and today was the day when I was going to wear this short dress and rock around. After putting some good amount of makeup, I got my black heals and I was ready to have some real fun in order to forget a certain doctor who previously granted me sweet dreams which have now turned into nightmares.

What a painful thing to handle, I could feel my heart clench.

I took my phone and dialled Crystal's number again. After one ring, she picked up without any hesitation.

"Are you ready?" She questioned, and I felt the level of excitement in her voice, "I hope you didn't call me to tell you aren't going."

I chuckled softly, "Of course not. I called up to ask if you will come to pick me up."

"Omg girl!" She squealed, "I can't believe you are coming with us! It's the first time you are coming and I just hope it will be so much fun. Of course I would come to pick you up, within ten minutes okay?"

"That will be great," I replied and hung up. It was a relief that my presence was expected unlike that time when I was called to a party and then treated unwanted and to be insulted by my own friends. Honestly, my undergraduate years weren't as exciting as my post graduation time was going. Now when I look back to that time, I recall my own mistakes.

I did some touch ups and after some few minutes, I heard my phone ringing, signalling a message which just arrived. It was from Crystal and I quickly opened it.

Crystal: I am here! Waiting outside the dorm back gates waiting for ya <3

Me: I am coming.

Without doing any further delay after giving her a short reply, I rushed outside to the exit of the dorms. Crystal owned a car which was helpful because we usually left the Harvard square many a times. Having a personal car was a nice thing and it made me wish to learn driving. I always wished to own a fancy car but that would not be possible unless I become something in life. I wanted to become someone who would take care of my parents as well as do well in life for myself. However tonight, I had some memories to forget.

If this was how the doctor was going to treat me, I preferred silence and a full stop.

"You know Lil," Crystal offered me a smiley face as I climbed into her car and she geared it up, "When I am tensed, I talk it out. You should do too."

"I am not tensed," I shrugged my shoulders wondering how exactly she knew I was. Was it too obvious or was my heart written on my face?

"Keep telling that to yourself sweetie," she looked at me intently, "Since morning I am seeing you, you are just lost. Wanna tell me what's wrong? You were not interested for the party and something happened that made you come with me today, you are wearing my dress but I remembered when I gave it to you, you gave that I-am-not-gonna-touch-it look to the dress. Even your hair is up. What's going on?"

"You know, it makes me feel I have a secret stalker who gives me special attention," I sassed, unable to express the turmoil of emotions after knowing that Crystal was so keen into observing me. She didn't look like one of those students who would spend time observing people around her. It sounded strange and unacceptable but it was the truth.

   "I am a lot of things, Lily," she continued and kept her focused on the road in front of us, "Are you upset about something, you can talk it out with me," she offered a listening ear with a kind smile.

  "It's just," I hesitated, biting my lips,"The ma-," I rephrased the word man since I did not want much information to go to her. Although the difference between man and boy would never bring out much details about the things I bury in my heart, I still fell right to change my wording and be careful while explaining my current state of heart to her ,"the boy whom I thought loved me and who was loved by me in return, seems.." I paused, feeling my throat getting heavier, "Seems not to love me anymore. It's just.. It's break me."

"How did you know that he doesn't love you anymore?"

I shook my head, "Although it is my first time in love, it doesn't take much for a girl to recognise the feeling of when her boyfriend or lover doesn't want her anymore. He doesn't talk to me, he always gives excuses, he has no idea how much it breaks me, and how worthless I feel at times. I feel used and like another person in his life. Ever since I have came back, my university life have been quite alright but the turmoil I was facing in my heart, and I am still facing... It makes me want to cry."

She offered me a sad face, looking at me with sympathy and pity. I was now regretting to express my feelings. Her face bespoke that she was sorry for me, and insight like having people behind me who would sympathise with me and have pity on me. It made me feel small in front of my own eyes.

"Don't give me that look," I breathed out, "one of the reasons why I don't speak about my life is the fact that I don't want to be looked with pity."

"I am not looking at you with pity," she chuckled, "I think whatever you are looking for will come for you. Don't worry about rest."

Her words felt like extremely calming and soft. It was strange at the same time. What was I looking for, I questioned myself. Was I looking for love in this fast moving world of mechanical thinking? Was I looking for higher academics in the world of competition? Or was I looking for strength and peace in the world of chaos? I had no idea of what I wanted in my life.

And if I was looking for Vincenzo, I had no idea if he would ever come to me. I could only assume that no, he would never do such thing. I was only a passerby in his life, and it was a doubt if I would even be in Vincenzo's girlfriend list. I remembered searching it when I was in my other university and I was so confused to know if I was still in his heart.

"Lily?" I turned around to see my friend's face.

"Yes?"

"We have arrive."