All the Feels

Chapter 25

Ainsley

I take a few minutes to break down on the bench, crying and reading the letter at least three times. I almost lost her. I almost lost Willow and now I know that Sarah wanted me to have her all along. I take a few deep breaths and stand, wiping the tears from my face and resolving that no more will fall today. This is a good day. I get to keep Willow, and now I need to find Billy.

I drive to the shop, figuring he's working. When I walk in I clash eyes with Jax, standind behind the counter looking at the computer. His face goes hard when he sees me, and he waves me into his office just off the floor. I follow him as he goes to stand behind his desk, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Is he here?" I ask and Jax shakes his head.

"Where is he?" I ask and he sighs, running his hand down his face.

"He left. Took the week off." He says and my heart drops to my stomach.

"I need to talk to him." I say quietly and Jax looks at me for a long minute.

"Why?" He asks and I look away, hating the disappointment in his eyes.

"I need to explain. To apologize. He was right, I should have gone to him." I say, looking back at Jax. "I don't like you being angry with me." I say and he shrugs.

"I'm not mad, Ainsley. Just confused and upset. We welcomed you and Willow with open arms. We thought you were a part of our family. You could have called any of us and we would have helped you. Make phone calls, help out financially. Anything to protect you and Willow. You hurt all of us, not just Billy." He says and my shoulders slump as I bite back tears.

"I'm just... not used to this, Jax. I've been alone my whole life. Sarah was the only person I ever relied on and then she died and I was alone again. I've always handled things alone. I refuse to be a burden or a problem for anyone else." I say firmly and Jaxon shakes his head.

"Surely you know that that is not how we view you." He says and I nod, wrapping my arms around my waist.

"Yes. I get that. Which is why I want to talk to Billy." I say and Jaxon nods, writing something down and handing me a slip of paper.

"What's this?" I ask.

"The address to where he is. The cabin on the lake that he loves. We went out there over the summer with him so I still have it." He says and I nod, turning to walk away.

"You know how he paid for the lawyer?" He asks and I turn back to look at him, shaking my head.

"No. I didn't know anything about it until the guy showed up at court today." I say and Jaxon gets a sad smile on his face.

"His savings. For the cabin. He's been saving it for years, working extra hours. But he didn't hesitate to spend every cent to help you. To help Willow." He says and his words spear my heart and one traitorous tear falls down my face. I wipe it away angrily and look at Jaxon with a firm resolve.

"I'll pay him back. Every penny." I say and Jaxon rolls his eyes.

"That's not the point, Ains. He doesn't care about the money. He cares about you." He says and I nod.

"I care about him too." I say, turning and leaving the shop.

I try to call Billy again, but he doesn't answer so I start the drive to the cabin. It takes me nearly two hours to get there, but his car comes into view and I park next to it, my heart hammering in my chest as I mount the stairs and knock on the door. I wait a few moments and soon the sound of footsteps echos through the otherwise quiet day. His car is the only one out here, the rest of the cabins look empty.

"Ainsley?" Billy's voice floats to me and I snap my head in his direction. He's wearing a blue hoodie with grey sweatpants, dark circles under his eyes, similar to mine. I give him a sad smile and shuffle my feet on the porch.

"Hey." I say and his brow furrows in confusion.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, his voice sounding hollow and sad.

"I wanted to talk to you." I say and he crosses his arms over his chest.

"Why didn't you call me?" He asks and I huff a little, starting to shiver in the cold air.

"I tried. You didn't answer." I say and he sighs.

"Sorry. Service out here isn't the best." He says, taking a step to the side and motioning me in.

It's a cute little cabin, warm and clean. A fire roaring in the fireplace. Billy runs his hand through his messy hair and stands a few feet away from me, waiting for me to speak.

"I wanted to thank you. For the lawyer. He won. Willow is still mine." I say and Billy nods.

"Good." He says, standing rigid and making me nervous.

"And I wanted to say that I'm sorry. You were right, I should have talked to you." I say and Billy sighs, shaking his head and running his hand through it again.

"No, Ainsley. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that. It was wrong. I handled the situation completely wrong and I'm sorry. I should have been more understanding of what you were going through. I was angry at your situation and things that have happened to me before, but that was no excuse to take it out on you. I made a mistake and I apologize." He says with sincerity and my heart hurts seeing him look so broken.

"Do you think... do you think you could ever forgive me?" I ask, my voice thick with emotion and Billy's eyes widen in surprise before he looks away.

"There's nothing to forgive, Ainsley. I'm not mad at you. You handled the situation the way you felt was best for you and Willow. That's what you're supposed to do. I don't blame you for that, not at all." He says and my fingers ache to reach out and touch him, but he's made no move to close the distance between us.

"Are you upset with me?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"No. I just think we're in different places. Want different things." He says and my stomach drops at his words.

He's not mad. He's just given up.

I bite back the tears and shake my head.

"No. We don't want different things." I say and he huffs out a humorless laugh.

"I want a partner, Ainsley. Someone to do life with. Someone who will be there for me and someone who will rely on me. But you tuck and ran at the very first obstacle we faced. We're obviously not on the same page. Not even reading the same book." He says and a few tears fall down my face.

"You're right. And I was wrong. It was a wake up call for me. I've spent my whole life alone, Billy. It's an adjustment." I say and he nods, dropping his hands and curling them into fists.

"It is what it is." He says, his eyes flitting towards the door in a silent bid for me to leave. My chest aches as I stand there and watch him, so different from the way he always has been with me. Gone are the warm eyes, sweet smiles and gentle touches. Now he's hard and cold. My heart fractures as I walk towards the door, willing myself not to break down until I get back home. I sniffle and turn to look at him.

"I'll pay you back. For the lawyer." I say and he shrugs.

"I'm not worried about it." He says, his jaw firm as he opens the door for me.

"Billy..." I say, pleading with him to understand. To give me another chance.  He looks down at me, his eyes softening as he reaches out to wipe a tear away from my cheek.

"Take care of yourself, Ains." He says quietly, his voice warmer than it has been this whole conversation.