Can I love you?

5 months

Billie's pov:

It's now five months ago since y/n and I start this little affair. In the past few months nothing important happen. We still meet each  other, writing and having sex. The first time her ex boyfriend Nick tried to get she back but she wouldn't and after a long time he understand and find a new girl friends. I am still with my husband and sometimes I thought about to leave him but I can't. There is something that hold me back. y/n often spoke with me about it and she told me more about her. I can't say what we are now. Is this just what for a year or more? I don't know what I am for her and we didn't spoke about it yet. But I love it to be with her, and when it is that we can't see each other or she have to leave I feel me so alone without her. But I'm sure, I can't be more for she then I want to be. She will find someone other and get happy with them. The last weeks we didn't saw us so often because my husband was there and she was always on her phone. I ask myself with whom she write all the time. Did she have someone other next to me? I know we are not together but the thought that there is someone other who make she happy make me sad and I feel like it destroy me from inside. But I didn't want tot ask she because we are not together. I am married and still her teacher and I'm to old for her. What is when she get bored of me? . I sit in my class and think this things as I looked at her, sitting on her place and make the things I gave the class to do. I was lost in my thoughts about her and I was worried that once it comes the time I didn't can see she anymore. I get interrupt by the call from a  other student who needed my help. I sign and stand up from my chair and walked over to the boy who asked for my help. My eyes never left she as I walk over. I watched her, how focused she look at the book in front of her on her desk and writing things down. She wouldn't ever feel the same like I feel for her. I think and looked at the student who asked for my help, trying to think about something other then about her.

The lesson was over as the school ring ring and all pack there bags to leave the room. Today it was they last lesson because the last two have been omitted. I sit there on my chair and watched y/n how she take her phone out and smiled as she look at the display. Seeing she so makes me a bit sad because I know I'm not the reason that she smiled so. She take her bag up from the floor and go toward me, not really looking up from her phone. I wished me, for a short moment that she would look up and look into my eyes and start smiling. But she didn't. She take her phone away for a short moment and her smile faded. Her head lift up and our eyes meet. It was different then the last times. Colder. 

"I'm sorry Billie but I can't today, I meet someone" she say and looked back on her phone. "It's okay" I almost whisper, trying to hold the tears back who build up in my eyes. No it was not okay but I can't say her what she have to do. She smiled again on her display and gave me a last look as she nodded her head and get out of my classroom. Please don't leave, say it her, hold she back. All this was in my head, I don't want that she left but what can I do?. I feel my heart break a bit, seeing she smiling all the time because of a other person I didn't know and always chatting with this person. It makes me jealous but I don't want to show it here. I don't want to lose she but I get ever more the feeling I do. But there was nothing I can do against it. She is young and have still her whole life before and I am older and was my whole life in a bad marriage and not ready to give it up. I know there was nothing who hold me back to sign the divorce but what should I say why I did it suddenly. Because I think I have feelings for my student?. No I can't. The tears began to roll over my cheeks as she was out of my view. I don't want to show her that I cry she would ask me why I  cry and I have to lie to her. I don't wand that this end, no matter what that is with us. I dried my tears and pack my stuff into my bag and leave the school building and walk to my car on the park spot from the school. Before I get into my car I saw y/n standing there with a other girl I've never saw before. I froze and watched them how they hug each other long, like they would know since a long time. I didn't think so much about it, maybe they are friends and yes. But then my eyes widen as I saw how the other girl placed her hand on the bag from y/n and pull she into a kiss. I can't believe what I saw there. I feel the tears comes back into my eyes and my heart broke more then before. She didn't pull away. No her hand get on the other girl shoulder and bring she closer. Is she the reason why y/n always on her phone, also when we are together or that she smiled the whole day?. Yes that is it, there can't be a other reason why she did  this things. 

Did I mean nothing for her?. Is this all just sex. What is this?. I was on a point where I get the feeling to lose all and also nothing. I gulp the pain down and sit into my car and closed the door behind me. Still looking at them as they pull away. She didn't saw me. Is this now my luck or not. Should I happy that she didn't. One half from me was happy that she didn't saw me but the other one wanted that she turn around, seeing me standing there on my open car door. Watching how she kissed that girl. Seeing the my pain filled eyes and the salty tears who left my eyes for her. Seeing she walking toward me and saying that this is nothing, just a accident. But I know it was not a 'accident'. She wanted it to and she did  it. She didn't pull away. On the contrary, she pulled she closer to her and continue kissing she. Maybe the last weeks they did it and more. The only thing I wanted to do now was to rip my heart out of my hurting chest. Filled with pain and jealously. More tears drip out from my eyes, over my cheeks. I get angry at the y/n and the girl. Or maybe angry about me? I didn't know it right now. I just know that I was angry and hurt, of feelings that she won't return. I hit against the steering wheel with both hands and let the few tears flow out of my eyes, and try to calm down. I don't have the right to act so.