Can I love you?

Thinking

information: when a sentence is wrote in this font:  font. This is what y/n or Billie think in this moment.

__________________

The last days I thought about the things that happens the last weeks.

It still confused me a bit. 

What happens, what I feel and what I thought.

I start to questioning my  relationship with Nick and start thinking more about this what I have with Billie. 

But the question is... what is this with her.

I know I can't continue this what I do here. Sleep with my teacher and be together with Nick at the same time. This can't work. One will be hurt and I don't really know who but one will.

I struggle with the feelings I have when I'm with Billie and with Nick. I've never felt so with Nick, like I feel with Billie. No words can describe what it is going on in me right now.                                    Nick and I  are together for a long time now and I know Billie just almost 2 months. And still I don't know what we are. 

My eyes began to tear up and I bite my lower lip to hold my tears back. 

When I with her it feel multiple times better and difficult as when I'm with Nick. Of course he is sweet and worried about me. but I feel like I can't give him that back what he gives me or what he want from me. I have to end this, and this soon.

__________________(next day in school)

I go to school and try to act normal. 

My stomach feel sick and I wanted to stay home but I can't do this the rest of the year, so I made my way to school and decided to talk with Nick.

I  think I love him.

But when it means to be in love with someone, it doesn't can mean to sleep with someone other at the same time and think about someone other before falling asleep. 

From afar I can see him, leaning against the stone wall,  wearing his blue football jacket. His hands in his pockets and laughing with some other boys from his team. A small smile cross my lips to see him so, but it faded fast as I remember what I have to do now.

I get closer toward him and he didn't noticed me as he jokes around with the boys. 

Okay now or never , I thought to myself as I take a last deep breath before I start to say his name. Immediately he turns his head toward me and look at me with a smile."Hey" he bring me in a hug and kissed my cheek. "How are you" he ask, not giving the boys the attention. He give his whole attention me, like he was standing there, never talking with someone. I know how much he like me and this to now make it not easier for me.

"Can we talk please", "yeah sure" his smile still not leave his face. "Maybe under four eyes" I continue and look behind him to his team player. He turn and told him that they would see each other after school  during training. We searched a place where was no other students and I told him that we can't do this anymore and that it is not his fault. That I am the problem why it didn't work anymore. I saw in his eyes that his heart broke and he have not anymore his special smile on his face, who he give me when he see me. 

"And why it wouldn't work anymore?" he ask a bit upset, trying to keep calm. "It's my fault, you have nothing to do with this. I am the problem", "is there someone others?", "no" I say and there was a silence between us. The air is filled with broken feelings and it was not a comfortable silence . I know that he have still some question in his head but he don't want to ask me this, I know him and he know me. Well maybe he thinks he knows me. At this moment I don't know myself anymore. 

"Please think about it again and say me what I can do" he beg and his eyes getting red. "There is nothing you can do", "I can give you so much time you need. Tell me how long and I do".

How he still try to solve this all. I never deserve him. 

"It is out, and there is nothing you can do. And please don''t make it harder then it still are", "but when it is hard to do why are you doing this?", "because I can't live so anymore" I say louder at him. His eyes widen more then before and he open his mouth to say something but close it immediately.

"I think I should go now" Tell Nick and grab his bag from the floor next to him and head back towards the school and leave me there.

Now he is it who I hurt. Why I hurt all the persons around me, destroy them with the mistakes I made. No wonder they all leave me. I thought and a single tear roll over my cheek.