Th*rsty (Scomiche)

I'll Be Over You (Part 2)

“Remembering times gone by, promises we once made, what are the reasons why nothing stays the same.”

I’ll Be Over You by Toto

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It was a Friday night and Scott and I were having a couples’ night out with some friends - Kirstie and her new boyfriend, Jeremy, as well as Avi and Kevin. We decided to meet in a mall and have dinner in one of the restaurants there.

While waiting for our orders to arrive, Kirstie started animatedly telling a story about something that happened at work. We were all laughing and enjoying her little show but somehow my eye caught Jeremy’s. He was not laughing like we were but he was smiling widely while looking at Kirstie. His eyes sparkled and it seemed full of love and admiration for the girl beside him.

It was a little pathetic but I felt jealous of Kirstie. Scott probably looked at me that way at some point in time, especially when we were starting, but he has grown used to hiding his feelings, of not barely giving away anything through his expressions and actions especially when we were in public.

I knew it was a bad idea but I reached for Scott’s hand under the table, suddenly needy for some kind of physical intimacy. I breathed a sigh of relief when he interlaced his fingers in mine and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. I looked at him, a smile already spreading on my lips when he abruptly let go of my hand. I gave him a questioning look, or more like pleading, I guess, and he replied with a stern gaze.

The gaze I’ve come to know the meaning behind even without words.

‘Don’t touch me. We’re in public.’

So I pulled back and instead clasped my hands together. I mentally reprimanded myself for being so stupid, for trying to do something which I knew I shouldn’t be doing.

When dinner was over, we decided to take a leisurely stroll. Automatically the six of us paired off, and I took my place beside Scott.

We weren’t even five minutes into strolling when I heard him whisper in my ear. “Don’t walk too close to me. Someone might see.”

I could have pushed or told him that we weren’t even holding hands, that there were other people walking with us. I could have told him that he shouldn’t be paranoid. That if other people did see us, they will not automatically think we were together just because we were beside each other. But I guess his paranoia has rubbed off on me. So instead I said nothing and stepped away from him, and I walked alongside our friends.

*****

We all know that after the honeymoon phase in any relationship comes that part where the two of you fall into a comfortable routine. That part where you already know each other’s quirks, preferences, turn ons and turn offs.

I think Scott knew that I was in too deep, too head over heels to walk away, too in love that I would stay.

Petty fights were a thing of the past. Whenever we fought, there was always the threat of breaking up.

But we never did. Because I held on. Tight.

I never said yes when he thought about ending things. I always found a way to compromise, to adjust, to bend over to accommodate what he wanted.

It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over the course of years, very slowly, that I didn’t even know I was already losing myself.

I was so convinced that everything I changed was to improve myself and benefit our relationship.