wattpad ➳ l.h. [completed]

XLVl : emotions

I fall back into my bed and cry.

Some part of me knew that I never should have even written those letters. I knew that I was never going to send them, so then why write them? I made the stupid mistake of letting my heart take over, and pushing my mind and my logical thoughts back.

We learned about that in English class. Logos, ethos, and pathos. The three ways to connect your writing to your audience, the three things that I'm torn between at this very moment.

Right now, I'm in pathos; or emotion. I pushed back logos; or logic. And ethos; or ethics doesn't even have a place in the situation that I am in.

But of the three different writing strategies, I've always thought that pathos was the most effective. But in this case, the pathos is the most lethal.

My emotions have taken control of my thoughts and my every move, What I really need to do, is balance the three back out.

I need logic to get me out of this, ethics to keep me on track, and emotion to feel the love I'm giving and receiving.

I try calling Luke. Multiple times with no reply.

So I go through the logic, which also handles the ethics.

I need to choose one. One boy.

Whether it be Ashton, or whether it be Luke, there will be no going back. This will be my final choice, and it will be a choice that I will have to live with forever.

But as I've said to myself for the past few weeks, I don't want to choose.

And then it finally hits me.

After days of no sleep, and anxiety, I finally realize that I never had to choose.

But the cost of me not choosing between them, is getting neither of them.

And so, I honestly think as more time goes past without reply from Luke that is what I will do. I won't choose between them.

I'll be with neither of them.

As much as I know that will kill me, and as much as it will kill them, it seems like the right, logical and ethical choice at the moment, and so I decide to go with that.

Step one; logic; complete.

Step two; ethics; complete.

The only part that doesn't fit into the equation with the others is emotion.

I know that the choice that I am making will emotionally wreck me completely. I know that it will tear Luke apart and I honestly have no idea what exactly it will do to Ashton.

But I feel like this is the one and only choice. And I am going to stand by it.

As much as it will hurt.

Hurt is pain, and pain leaves wounds. Wounds make scars, and yet most scars heal. The pain will be unbearable at first, but it gets better. It always does. It will take time, sure, but through it all I just need to remind myself that this is what I get, that this is what I deserve. This is my logos and ethos. The pain is my pathos.

All of my emotions getting mixed into this isn't making things any easier for me.

I try to fall asleep, but because insomnia is a bitch, and because I don't have Luke next to me, sleep doesn't come, and I fear that it never will.

I think over what I must do.

I must tell Ashton that I don't want to talk to him anymore. That nothing more can happen between us. That anything we had, it has to go away. I do believe that part will be a lot simpler than Luke's.

I must tell Luke that we can't be together anymore. That everything that had happened between us, he needs to forget about it. I'll tell him that I can't love him. Not anymore.

I know that I will be breaking their hearts, but I will be breaking mine at the same time.

I can only imagine the look on Luke's face when I have to tell him that I don't love him, even when I do, more than anything in the entire world. That everything we had was a lie. We never made love, we fucked. That every kiss, every cuddle, I could never love somebody like him, and he could never love anybody like me.

And those were my emotions going into play.

Screwing things up entirely.

I hope that my mind is happy that I put it back in control because my heart is breaking.

I don't think that I'll ever be the same again. It doesn't matter how much I try. I'll always be different and distant.

I'll be a thousand miles away, daydreaming about what would have happened if we had just avoided this all in the first place.

(A/N)

Well, I'm updating because insomnia, depression and bulimia are all bitches.

I can't sleep.

I need Ashton, then maybe I'll sleep.

I gotta stop pulling all nighters guys, this shit ain't funny.

And I posted another ash fanfic. I didn't like the others, so I took them off, but I really like this idea. So you guys should check it out. It's called Group :))