𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙍𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙐𝙨

(29) Petrichor

I was always better alone.

Having the smallest amount of remote care for someone led to a negative. Whether that be you love them more than they could love you. Or caring for them was emotionally damaging. The list could go on.

There's a fear in me now that I've developed.

One involving that care for people. It was too dangerous for me to love. Too much of a risk for the person I did love. The love could have been platonic; only a friendship, between my brother and mom, and even with my dad who I did love.

I looked for attention from him, an approval that I, at the time, didn't know I wasn't ever going to receive because that hadn't been what he wanted from me.

As a child, you don't understand the concepts of abuse or how a family was supposed to be. Everything is learned in this world. And it took me long to learn that my dad's ruthless names were not ones of daughterly love.

I wanted to be just like him though now I'd say that's a fucking terrible idea.

I wanted to be powerful and have a high impact on people's lives that they'd just know my name with one look. I wanted to work under him, live out to the expectation he held on me.

Through training with him, I'd push myself to match his power. My body couldn't keep up and I'd ended up more hurt which in the end, made him more upset.

Because I was a damaged piece that he couldn't fix no matter how much he tried to repair me.

Of course, eventually, I started to understand that his words and actions of 'encouragement' were not what I thought.

I think that's where things started to change between him and I.

More arguments occurred along with more hitting. His solution had been isolating me, blocking me from everyone who could have been a possible distraction. People who would 'taint' me and try to save me from his toxic ways.

Through that, I learned that I was not loved. I was not cared for as a person but more as an object of power. His successor that would not lead with a smile but kill against my will. My self-worth declined even with being young.

I fantasized about growing up in this family with all this support from my dad and mom with my two siblings. Excepted to go to the park like normal children and eat out like a family.

I wanted love in a home that did not love me.

It had been a reality that took a toll on me bringing me into a state where I felt like I couldn't find any happiness. The thought that this would be my life forever and I'd just have to learn to live with it.

But something in me just wouldn't let that happen. Something just told me that there was better to come.

So I fought back against him. I didn't need anyone to tell me that what he was doing was wrong because I had learned myself. I found a speck of light in the dark parts of my life and grabbed them by the balls. I did it for the sake of Senya, Yusara, and my mom who were all suffering with me. Though in the end, it was more for me.

Because in the end, no one will be there except myself. I'm all I have.

It goes back to the fear of love. Every person I have cared for has gotten hurt because of me. I've tried to stop it by leaving like I did with Bakugou yet somehow he was in a sorta danger because of me.

He scared me the most-- caring for him I mean.

I didn't know we were childhood friends when I first came back to Musutafu and even then, I naturally was able to speak to him. Create a connection with him that maybe he and I already had.