CAMILAS P. O. V
I don't know how it happened, it certainly wasn't a conscious decision that I made, all I know is one minute I was stood there looking up at Shawn, both of us with tears in our eyes and the next minute, my arms were wrapped tightly around his neck and I'm hugging him as though my life depends on it, hugging him as tightly as I can, just hoping that I can suffocate all the hurt that I've caused him.
He doesn't return my hug immediately- in fact I feel him make a half hearted attempt to pull away but I'm not budging and eventually, I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist in a way that I never thought they would again.
Tears are now streaming down my face and I occasionally feel his chest heave as I hold him close to me.
What have I done?!
To Shawn…
To us…
To myself?
Slowly my hand works its way up his neck and cradles the back of his head which is covered by the hood of a sweater I haven't seen him wear in years, I run my hand up over the hood and the absence of bouncy curls makes my blood run cold. I feel his body tense as he releases me from his embrace and steps inside my hotel room.
Pushing the door shut and standing with both palms pressed against it- I try to steady myself… preparing myself. This isn't going to be easy but things that are worth doing rarely are.
I'm tired and emotional, my tears upon seeing Shawn in such a desolate state prove that I crumble easily these days, but he asked me for help so I'm going to have to toughen up and do what I told Niall I would do and that's put Shawn first.
Turning slowly I face him, silently he had moved across my hotel room and is now sitting on the edge of the bed, he's looking at the knuckles of his right hand and I don't have to see the dried blood to know that he's hit something… hard.
Evening out my breathing I take tentative steps towards him, he never looks up, he just continues to play with what I can see now are cut and bloodied knuckles… I just hope it wasn't Niall on the other end of them.
Reaching down I take hold of his wounded hand and inspect it closely for serious damage, he looks up at me in surprise but doesn't utter a word, I just smile softly and once I'm satisfied the damage is mostly superficial, I return his hand to his lap and try desperately to ignore the butterflies that erupted in my stomach as our hands touched.
I'm standing just a yard or so in front of him and it warms my memory to remember how he used to tease me about how sitting down, he's almost as tall as I am standing up.
He's still gazing silently into my eyes as I reach both hands up and place them either side of his cotton hood, immediately though his large hands shoot up to cover mine, his eyes now begging me not to go any further.
"Shawn, it's okay" I tell him in the softest voice I can muster.
His eyes and hands cling to mine a second longer and then he releases them.
I think I know what's coming and I know he doesn't want me to see… he's probably nervous of how I'll react, but if I'm really going to help him there needs to be no more barriers between us because believe me, there are enough of them already. Holding a breath in my chest and attempting to control my trembling hands I slowly peel back the hood and it takes every ounce of strength that I have not to start crying again.
My beautiful Shawn… my proud Portuguese protector, has cut off his most defining feature in what I can only assume is some kind of attempt to change the inside by changing the outside. It's obvious from the way that it's been shaved that this wasn't a planned trip to the barbers shop and he's obviously self conscious about it because he hasn't raised his eyes from the floor since I pulled down the hood.
Lifting my hand I slowly run it over his head. His eyes lift immediately to meet mine, I say nothing and I never once break our gaze as I continue to stroke his head, hoping that somehow it will soothe his obviously battered soul.
How much of this am I responsible for?
I'm not arrogant enough to think that a man like Shawn would be brought crashing to his knees simply by my betrayal but I know at best I unsteadied the ship.
My attempt to help him onto an even keel starts tonight
"Mila…" My nickname escapes his lips so naturally that I wonder how I ever thought I'd be able to live without hearing it. I can tell he's struggling to find the words to explain the situation to me so I decide to take the lead… as has always been our way.
"It's a good job you had a guard on that or you really would be bald and not in the good way either. It's not too short though, I can tidy it up if you like and with a little bit of gel you could have spikes… it'll be cute"
"I don't want to be cute" The emptiness of Shawns voice will haunt my dreams for a long time to come, but I'm being 'Big, Brave Mila' so I smile at him and joke…
"That's a conversation you should have had with God before he made you, because believe me, there's not a thing you can do about it now"
Again I reach down and take a hold of his damaged hand and a warmth spreads through me that has always been reserved only for the feel of Shawns skin on mine
"I'll go and get the first aid box, wait here ok, I'll be right back"
Once I've located it I head back into the living area and sit down next to Shawn, not too close so he feels uncomfortable but close enough that I can tend to his hand. Taking hold of it I start to clean the dried blood with the damp cloth.
Since saying my name he's fallen back into his own silent world so I go for an ice breaker
"Aren't you going to tell me that I should see the other guy?"
It's possible I've just seen a hint of a smile on Shawn's beatiful face but I can't be sure
"…Tell me the other guy wasn't Niall"
His whole body goes solid as he looks into my eyes
"The other guy definitely wasn't Niall, in fact it wasn't a person at all, just some inanimate object, I might owe Justin's uncle some mo ey though"
I smile in relief before broaching the subject of tonight
"But you and Niall talked, right?"
"What did he tell you?"
I know honesty is the only policy if I stand any chance of regaining his trust
"He told me he had been a bad friend and was going to talk to you about things. When you took off from the club like that I figured things hadn't gone well. Shawn, Niall is a great guy if he upset you I'm sure it wasn't on purpose"
I finish fastening the bandage I've just applied and I squeeze his hand to let him know that I'm all done. Placing both hands onto his thighs he sighs as though he's ready to start talking
"Niall and I have both made some mistakes, seems I've been getting pretty good at that lately"
"Can you work things out?"
A solitary shrug is his only response
"I'm sorry for just turning up here"
I attempt a look that tells him that he doesn't need to apologise… for anything
"I can't imagine how this must look to you"
Smiling again I tell him it looks as though he could use a friend and as a yawn, that I'd noticed him trying to fight finally escapes I add "And some sleep". He blushes slightly before apologising again.
"Do you want to talk? It doesn't have to be about us, just about anything- you decide"
He looks in deep thought before saying…
"I cut my hair"
"Really??? …" I play along "And I didn't even notice… my gosh, how stupid do I feel?"
The laugh that bursts from my chest immediately reminds me of how easy things always were between us before I… unable to keep It in any longer I start babbling my apologies
"Shawn, I'm so sorry for everything, please believe me, you have no idea how terrible I feel about everything I did"
"Mila, this.." He looks down at his hand and then blushes slightly and I assume he is thinking about what he did to his hair. "It's not just about you. There's been a lot of stuff going on lately and I guess I… I haven't been dealing"
He sighs heavily and I can smell alcohol on his breath, I wonder if his sudden appearance and newly found openness is a result of 'Dutch Courage' but I decide it doesn't matter, all that matters is he came to me.
"I know we need to talk…about us and what happened, I know I've been running from it for long enough but please… not tonight. I don't think I could take another yelling match tonight"
I feel my brows lower in confusion. From the minute Shawn got here I had assumed that he was here for the confrontation that we both knew we needed to have, but apparently he wasn't, which left one question… why had he chosen to come to me?
What did he want from me?
"Can we just… pretend that none of this has happened"
Now my brows are shooting north as I wonder what on earth he means by that
"I don't mean, act like things are the same, I just mean… act like things aren't as bad. We'll talk tomorrow but until then can you just help me to forget?"
It suddenly dawns on me what he means. Tomorrow we'll talk, tomorrow we'll tell each other everything we've been holding back. We both know it'll be awful, we both know it's going to hurt but tonight he's asking me for calm.
"Kind of like the calm before the storm huh?
"Exactly" And this time that is definitely a smile on his face
I think about it for a little while.
Can I do it?… Can I spend a night with Shawn after spending a year of my life without him and act like nothing has happened?
Can I do it knowing that come tomorrow, words may be spoken that could see him walk out of my life forever?
Can I spend tonight with him and then let him walk away?
Could I say no now and watch him walk out anyways?
"Shawn, I don't know if I can do this" I can tell he understands immediately "but I want to try… for you"
He smiles and for the first time tonight I can see a glimmer of the man I knew and loved… eternally 'love'
I shift awkwardly, unsure what the next move is and he yawns again- he's obviously had a long day
"You can lay down if you like" I motion towards the bed and something I'm unsure of crosses his face "Well, you've been drinking right? So you can't drive home tonight. Have the bed, I'll have the couch"
Running a hand over his new hair-do he tells me that he can't ask me to give up my bed, I tell him there's no way he would fit onto the tiny, two seater sofa.
Shrugging, he kicks off his black boots and pushes himself back, till his back is resting against the head board and his long legs are stretched out over the bed.
He looks relaxed, and I can slowly see my Shawn reclaiming this tired body.
"Do you remember when we went to Mexico?" His eyes are stuck fast on me and I feel like I could be blushing. "I lost count of the number of times my parents said 'No girls in your hotel room' before we left" His eyelids are getting heavy and occasionally they drop shut.
I smile at the memory, the time we spent in Mexico was some of the most magical that Shawn and I spent together as a couple. The 'No girls in his hotel room' rule had been upheld, unfortunately the 'No boys in your hotel room' rule placed on me by my mother had not. Nothing had ever happened, nothing too heavy anyways but we'd spent a lot of time snuggling and kissing and touching and I know for sure that I'm blushing at that memory.
"It was the best vacation of my life" it comes out in a whisper and I feel the tears again- Not tonight! Tonight I have to try and pretend that this is okay
"I've missed your voice"
Shawns unexpectedly sweet words catch me off guard and as our eyes catch, an electricity moves through the room and I know without doubt that I will never be attracted to any guy the way I am to him. Unable to control myself again words spill over my lips that I pray I wont regret later
"I've missed you every day" His tired eyes widen and a small smile lifts his beautiful mouth but he doesn't say a word.
"Remember when I started having panic attacks, I didn't sleep for nights at a time, the only way I could fall asleep was when you would call and sing down the phone to me"
"I know, I have a boring voice but hey, at least it worked and you were really, really exhausted"
"…Just like I am now"
Shocked silence fills the room
"Are you asking me to sing for you?"
"I just want to remember how it felt. It seems like I haven't felt anything but sad or angry for so long"
I take a deep breath and consider what he's asking of me. I know he came to me in search of some kind of peace tonight. As far as I can see he's reached rock bottom and now he's crawling around down there looking for a way out.
He'd asked me to help him, I owed him that
But could I put myself through this?
Could I do something now that I'd done as such a tender act of affection for the man I loved more than I ever thought was possible? I know in my heart that I still feel the same but back then he was mine and now he belongs to someone else, yet here he is asking me to sing…which to me is like sharing a part of my soul.
Can I do it and if I can- should I?
I know we're just fooling ourselves tonight , playing a game of 'Lets Pretend' and I know that tomorrow I'm at risk of losing him forever. If this is to be our last memory together don't I owe it to myself to at least try and make him see how I still feel about him, and how truly sorry I am.
He doesn't want to talk and that's fine but maybe a song would be the best way to 'say something' without really saying it, and there was one song I wrote, right after I returned to L.A after my first disastrous visit
I look across at Shawn and see him fighting to keep his eyes open"
"Okay" says 'Big, Brave Mila "But it's a song I wrote so if you think it's terrible-don't laugh"
"Okay but if I fall asleep don't think that I think it's terrible"
"Deal" I tell him before standing up and moving around the bed to sit on the edge, facing him. "But you've got to close you eyes and try and sleep, okay? "
"Okay"
My heart begins to pound as I prepare to sing out my soul to the man in my bed- my only love in 20 years of life. This song is fiercely personal I just hope he understands
I hope this sounds ok, I hope my voice doesn't give way to tears
Notice me
Take my hand..
His eyes flutter open and lock onto mine. Courage don't fail me now
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?
He's staring into my eyes as I sing and I feel a bubble growing in my chest, it's the bubble I felt the first time I ever laid eyes on him. His short hair makes him look young and vulnerable and I realise I want to protect him with every piece of me for the rest of my life
Every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
The bubble is propelling me to act and as I sing, I gently reach out my hand and stroke his hair, unconsciously telling him that it's okay that he did it and that I actually do like it. His eyelids drop shut beneath my touch
I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
He's fighting to stay awake, I can tell by the way his eyelids keep dropping and lifting, each time I can see it's taking him more and more effort to recover but I think he's trying to listen to the lyrics, I think he knows it's about us.
Does he know it's my apology?
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
…He does now
I've never seen anyone look more handsome when they sleep in my entire life and as I bend down and kiss his cheek goodnight there's only one thing going through my mind- no matter what happens tomorrow, I am not losing you Shawn Mendes... I can't... I love you