Killing the engine of his car, Shawn closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, he longed for a sense of calmness to embrace his being and allow him some thinking space but all he found was sickening regret and panic.
Slamming his clenched fists down on the centre of the steering wheel he attempted to release some of the emotion that had been consuming him for well over a year.
Camila…
His family…
The mess he'd made of things with Niall...
And Hailey…
Reaching across to the passenger seat he collected the brown paper bag and then threw open the door before exiting his car and heading into the heavy night air.
The forest he was cutting his way through was dense and you could easily find your self lost if you didn't know where you were going, but lucky for Shawn he'd been coming here for years and knew the track like the back of his hand.
After a few close encounters with tree roots Shawn found himself and his precious cargo in one piece and standing just where he needed to be… the small wood cabin owned by his uncle, the place where he had always come when he needed to find peace, and my God, he needed peace tonight.
Finding the key to the front door on his key chain wasn't an easy task in the darkness but he eventually found the one that fit and threw the door open, once inside he slammed it shut on the world before dropping his key chain and the paper bag onto the small sofa and dropping himself heavily onto the floor in front of it, hugging his knees to his chest.
His breathing was ragged as a thousand thoughts tore at his mind and sobs began heaving in his chest but he just hugged his legs tighter
"What have I done?" His words came out in small, short breaths as he lifted his head from its resting place and pushed his hair from his face angrily.
Catching sight of his cut knuckles, he gazed at his wounded hand with a morbid curiosity, the cuts were deep and it hurt to straighten out his fingers. Reaching behind him Shawn found the paper bag and pulled it onto his lap. Opening it he pulled out it's contents- a bottle of whiskey and unscrewing the cap he took a swig before splashing some down on to his wounded hand and willing physical pain to relieve him of his emotional pain.
It worked too, for about 5 seconds as the alcohol seared his bloodied knuckles but as soon as the pain subsided it all came flooding back to him and he felt himself being dragged back under.
Taking another swig of whiskey, Shawn pushed his hair back from his face and cursed its inability to ever stay where he put it.
How had he ended up here… like this?
How had his life taken so many wrong turns in such a short period of time that he'd lost his grasp on everything…including himself. He didn't know who he was anymore, all he knew was he wasn't who everyone else thought he was anymore.
Good old Shawn Mendes- you can always rely on him to do the right thing-WRONG
Shawn Mendes- always makes the right decisions- WRONG
Your parents must be so proud of you- FUCKIN WRONG AGAIN!
Mistakes- both his and other peoples had proved the undoing of his solid character, they'd sent him into a spinning decline and he prayed that tonight he had hit rock bottom because if this wasn't it, he didn't know if he could withstand anymore.
Smoothing out his hair, Shawn felt an anger growing that was so familiar to him now that it was beginning to feel like his only source of comfort. Pushing himself to his feet Shawn stomped from room to room, his soul blazing but with nothing and nobody to direct his anger at except himself.
Throwing open the door to the bedroom Shawn suddenly caught sight of himself in the wall mirror.
Walking slowly towards it he felt tears stinging, as he finally saw the consequences of every bodies actions behind his own eyes.
Every girl he had ever dated had told him that that his eyes were his best feature but tonight he would bet a hundred dollars that if any girl he had dated could see them now, they would run screaming from him.
It wasn't the fact that they were red and swollen from all the tears he was attempting to hold back, it was the haunted, emptiness of them. Usually they were brown pools of emotion but tonight the shine had gone from them, the brown was matt and they were void of all signs of life. Dead- like the eyes of a shark.
Suddenly the room seemed to fill with light and Shawns spirit felt a hundred times lighter.
The most beautiful giggle he'd ever heard filled his ears as his mind was taken back through time. He remembered standing in this room, in front of this mirror as Camila sat on the bed laughing happily. It had been only a few hours since they had kissed for the first time and they were positively giddy, so much so that Shawn had allowed Camila to tie a little braid in the front of his hair. He'd stood in front of this very mirror admiring her handy work.
Just as suddenly as it had come, the light faded away and Shawn found himself standing alone in his uncles cabin. The loneliness that he'd walked with since receiving Camilas letter now merging with what seemed like his eternal anger.
Raising a hand and touching his hair where the braid had once resided, he realised just how weighed down he felt by it, it was thick and dark and curly and he felt suffocated by its very presence
In his past life as a singer he had been defined by his hair, everyone commented on it or wanted to touch it. Instead of just being Shawn he had been Shawn Mendes the good guy with the great hair
Taking it in his hands he wondered if he could redefine himself by simply losing the feature that seemed to define him most. His lips curled into a sick smile as he imagined the dark curls falling to the ground and revealing him to be a new man, one who wasn't weighed down by history…or hair!
The memory of small hands lovingly running through his hair, tugging at it as their lips moved against each other played again in his mind and he swung round and headed out of the room, away from the memories that continued to taunt him.
Returning to the living room he was bombarded with images of him and Camila play fighting. He had eaten the last of the popcorn while she had taken a bathroom break and on her return she had feigned annoyance which had sparked the best play fight of his life, his first introduction to the wonders of the female body.
Spinning backwards into the bedroom he slammed the door behind him and the tears that had been threatening to overcome him all night made their break for freedom. Wiping them away angrily Shawn suddenly dropped to his knees, small sobs escaping as he frantically hunted under the bed for something.
Wrapping his fingers around the cool metal, he knew he had found what he was looking for and knew that once he took this step he couldn't go back.
Was there anything to go back to?
Returning to his place before the mirror Shawn lifted the shaver to the left side of his parting, turned the machine on and let it glide through his hair, curls falling all around him, over and over he glided the machine from front to back as over and over his tears fell.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Sitting silently in his car staring at the white, stone building before him, Shawn wondered if this would turn out to be just one more mistake to add to his list
He felt empty…hollow like there was nothing left that anyone would recognise as him and usually when he felt this hopeless he turned to the one person that would allow him to lose himself in her…Hailey. She offered him comfort in a physical way and that seemed to be enough because Shawn had long ago lost hope of ever feeling comfort from his emotional torment.
Now was his last chance to turn back, but it seemed like tonight- there was no going back.
Pulling up the hood on the green, black and white hooded sweatshirt he had found discarded at his uncles cabin, Shawn wiped his eyes before exiting the stairs and heading up the steps.
Navigating the corridors he finally found what he was looking for- room 57
Taking the deepest breath he could he raised his un-bloodied hand and tapped gently
There was no sound at first and he suddenly wondered if she was back from Brians night out. Tapping again he was just about to turn and leave when he heard someone softly padding towards the door. His heartbeat quickened, knowing his appearance might startle her. He didn't know if he'd be able to bare it if she looked at him with disgust. He knew his eyes were red and swollen and then there was his hair… he self consciously pulled his hood up further, hoping he would get the chance to explain before she noticed it.
The sound of the door unlocking made him feel queasy with nerves, and as it opened he leaned against the frame, the affect of the alcohol suddenly causing him to feel dizzy.
A look of non-recognition was the first to register and then one of shock , followed by his name being whispered shakily.
He opened his mouth to speak but it was suddenly more dry than a desert.
"Shawn is that you?" tears filled her eyes as she observed the state of the man she loved, causing his eyes to flood again
"Mila…you have to help me"
*Sorry for spamming you with updates lol. This is the last for today. I have the entire story finished so I will update again soon.
*Plenty of shawmila coming up so please comment and vote if you are still interested in reading more of this x