Warning: Emotional as hell.
Louis
Zayn and Niall both have their eyes trained on me, watching me like a hawk. "Say something," Zayn mumbles, nodding his head over in Harry's direction. Niall's blue and green eyes dart between me and Harry, and he looks entirely in shock.
Harry's staring down at the bed in front of him, playing with the fabric of the sheets. He refuses to look at me.
"Uh... Ni maybe we should go wait outside, yeah?" Zayn suggests, standing from the couch and grabbing his car keys.
"But I want to-"
"Let's go" Zayn growls, snatching Niall up by his arm and nearly dragging him out of the room while Niall gives me a death glare.
The door clicks behind them, leaving me with a silent Harry. The room is mysteriously quiet, the only sound being the low rumbling of the old space heater in the corner. I glance all around the room, too afraid to even look in his direction.
As uncomfortable as this may be, I know that he deserves an explanation. I can't just run away from this and go pamper him with kisses (though I desperately want to) it just doesn't work like that.
"Baby?" I breathe, trudging to the bed so we're standing on opposite sides. He ducks his head down, his curls preventing me from seeing his face.
"I know how bad this sounds, okay? But it truly isn't what you think." I'm struggling to find the proper words to say. He's way too calm right now.
The calm before the storm.
"Please say something." I reach out to grab his small hand, but he flinches away, and it feels like someone's punched me in the stomach.
"Is it true?" He eventually asks, his raspy voice low and shaky. I sigh heavily and run my hand through my hair, rocking stiffly on my heels. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to see his reaction when I tell the truth.
"Yes... it's true." He winces and lets out a slight whimper, his gaze never lifting from the white bedsheets.
"Please grab my bag" He says after a long while of staying silent and fuck, I just wish he'd look at me. I pause for a moment, creasing my eyebrows in confusion before nodding and going to the corner to grab his overnight bag.
I walk back over to the bed and place the bag in front of him, and he wastes no time snatching it up and slinging the strap over his shoulder. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor as he walks from his side and makes a beeline for the exit.
I chase after him, "Harry," I call out, but he doesn't acknowledge me and continues walking toward the door. His hand grips the knob as he tries to leave, but I stand straight between him and the exit.
"Move" He says perilously low, still peering at the ground.
"Baby-"
His hand lifts and in one swift motion, his palm connects with my cheek, the sound ringing through the room. A deep sting sets into my burning skin, but I have bigger things to worry about here.
"Don't you call me that. Don't you dare call me that." He ultimately looks up to meet my gaze, and my knees go weak from the sight. His porcelain little baby cheeks are a shade of vivid red, his eyes clouded with tears and his chin quivering as he speaks.
"Please, just let me explain-"
"Explain? You cheated on me, you asshole!" He cries, pushing me harshly, and my back knocks against the door. "How could you? How could you do that to me?" He squeaks out through trembling lips.
"I didn't cheat Harry, I wouldn't cheat on you" I blurt. I take a hold of his shivering hands, just desiring to hold him and to feel him close to me, but he pulls them away urgently, a crack setting into my heart at the feeling of him ripping away from me.
"Then what would you call it, Louis? Hmm?" He says as tears spill from his jade eyes. "When was the last time you slept with him?"
"Harry that's not important I-"
"When was the last time, Louis?" He repeats, his tone becoming small, and I know it's because he physically can't handle screaming anymore. It's too hard for him.
"Friday," I say in shame, looking down at our feet.
"Friday? That was 4 days ago," He says through a breathy laugh, but it's cut short as a harsh sob shakes through his body.
"So right before you came to my house and yelled at me for cutting myself, you were fucking your best friend?" He whimpers, wiping at his cheeks furiously and biting down onto his bottom lip.
"Explain how that's not cheating. I held you in my arms and sang you to sleep while you cried into my chest and 3 hours prior, you were in another mans arms. Kissing another man, touching another man the way you touch me." He pushes harshly at my chest as more desperate cries spill out of him, and I know that there's nothing I could do.
His words come out slurred and sloppy as more uncontrollable sobs escape his lips. The tears are falling faster than he can wipe them, and I'm aching for him. I want to hold him and explain myself, but what could I say?
"We're done. Whatever we have is over." He says after sighing so deeply that it looked like he could collapse.
"Sweetheart please don't do this" I plead, reaching out for him. I cradle his cheek, and he relaxes into my touch, but it's clear that he doesn't want to. He's fighting between giving in and letting me soothe him how I always do and standing his ground. He reluctantly shakes his head and pushes my hand from his face, wiping harshly at his cheeks once more.
"Please move" He says in the most disdainful voice I've ever heard.
"Angel listen to me," I beg, stepping closer to him and holding his cheeks, but he whines and pushes my hands from his face once again.
"If this has ever meant anything to you, if I have ever meant anything to you, then you'll move" He stares at my chest and chews on his bottom lip. I sigh shakily and nod, moving aside and allowing him to leave.
He throws the door open and walks out into the bright white hallway, the florescent lights blinding me as I lean in the doorway. Zayn and Niall were sitting on the ground, but they both quickly stand to their feet and look between me and Harry.
"H? Are you okay?" Niall asks, placing his hands on Harry's shoulders and staring into his eyes.
"Can you take me home, Ni?" Harry asks weakly, adjusting the strap on his shoulder. "Of Course," Niall says immediately.
"Zayn, give me your keys." Niall extends his hand to accept the keys, his gaze never leaving Harry.
"What? No, I'm not-"
"My best friend is crying, and he needs a ride home. He's definitely not riding with that thing over there," He says in disgust, not even looking in my direction. "Give me the keys, you can ride with him"
"Fucking hell, fine." Zayn fishes through his pockets and places the keys in Niall's palm. Harry hides his face in his hands and sobs breathlessly, Niall guiding him slowly down the hospital corridor.
"Wait," I call out because I truly don't think I can watch him walk away from me like this. Not now, not when he can barely fucking breathe and he's falling apart and fuck it's taking every ounce of self control not to console him.
"Don't you dare touch him," Niall growls, holding Harry closer to his body as he sobs into Niall's shirt, his small shoulders shaking as his cries become more intense.
I nod in defeat and lean against the wall, watching as Niall walks away, holding my heart in his arms and taking it with him.
Zayn claps a hand on my shoulder and shakes slightly, his other hand in his pocket. "Come on, mate. You need a drink."
"It's 9 in the morning" I say dryly, looking down at the sparkling tile.
"And?" He says in a "that means nothing" fashion.
And he couldn't be more right.
---
Harry
My body sinks into the cushions nested on my couch, my shaking fingers tightening the blanket around my shoulders as I stare off into oblivion.
The time I've spent curled into this couch is unknown. All I know is it's the sun has set completely, but I don't know what time it is considering I threw my phone down the empty hallway when I was receiving 20+ calls from him.
I won't say his name, and the absence of that lovely name affects me more than I'd like to admit. It was once my favorite word, but I'll be damned if I ever say it again.
"Haz? I made you some tea," A distant voice sounds from somewhere in the room. Suddenly, a steaming mug sits on the oak table in front of me, but I don't have the desire nor the strength to drink it.
"Haz you haven't spoken since we left the hospital, please say something." It's Niall. I could trust Niall, right?
"How long did you know?" I breathe through dry lips.
"What do you mean?"
"How long did you know they were sleeping together?" I mumble, though it feels like I'm talking to myself. I can feel his presence in the chair across from me, but I don't think I could muster the courage to look anyone in the eye right now.
"Only a few days. Found out on Friday night. I swear I thought you knew," Niall sighs, kicking his socked feet up on the coffee table.
"And you were just okay with it?"
"It wasn't fun to hear, if that's what you're asking," he laughs. "But Zayn told me it wasn't anything serious, and he had been planning on cutting it off, anyway." He explains.
"H-how were you okay with that? Knowing that they t-t-touched each other and then touched you immediately after." I shiver as the words slip from my tongue, my stomach tightening as if I may be sick.
"Things are unconventional with me and Zayn. We're still finding our way and learning things. I'm learning my boundaries, he's learning to accept them. I think it'd be selfish for me to ask him to change his lifestyle when we've barely begun whatever we are."
"So you're saying I'm selfish?" I challenge, finally sitting up and glaring into his eyes.
"God no, Haz. Your feelings are valid, and if me and Zayn had the relationship that you had with Louis, I'd be just as hurt." He rushes out, placing a hand on my knee and rubbing soothing circles.
"What am I going to do, Ni?" I mumble weakly, mentally cursing myself at the lump forming in my throat.
"About what, H?"
"I can't do this without him" The levee's behind my eyes are slowly breaking and I don't know how much longer I can do this.
"Harry-"
"No, you don't get it. He's the only one who made it all go away. What am I going to do without him? I should hate him, I should fucking hate him right now, but I can't!" Tears prick in the corner of my eyes, a painful burn setting into them.
I look down at the couch and remember that night. The night I was in my bed and woke to the sound of his blood-curdling screams.
I ran in here as fast as my socked feet could carry me, falling to my knees and cradling his stubbly cheeks. I rubbed gentle circles into his cheekbones as he sobbed breathlessly, thrashing into the cushions.
I place my hands on my face and rub my thumbs over my cheeks, the way he always does. Call it pathetic, but maybe if I close my eyes I could pretend it's him caressing me. Maybe I could hold on to the facade for a bit longer.
I remember falling asleep that night after he cried in my arms, and the only thing running through my brain was what could he possibly have been dreaming about?
But now, hindsight being 20/20, I wonder if it that was a lie. Maybe he knew we were having issues, and he did what he had to do for me to be puddy in his hands once more. The mere thought of him crying in my arms being just a ploy is enough to break down that final levee, tears pouring down my cheeks.
Niall stands from the couch to comfort me, but a loud knock from the door interrupts him. I'm surprised he could hear it over my sobs, but he eyes the door curiously before walking over to open it.
"Hey you can't come in here!" I hear Niall yell to the person at the door. I try to wipe the tears from my eyes to see who the victim of his yelling was, but the tears just keep coming and I just can't see, nor can I breathe.
A figure crouches in front of the couch and wraps their arms around my shaking body. I instinctively wrap my arms around them, clenching their shirt so tightly my fingers cramp as I sob into the crook of their neck. They rub large circles on my back as I weep into their shoulder. My lungs can finally take a breath and I freeze at the scent invading my senses.
Tobacco and Vanilla.
"No! No get out, I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you!" I scream as I scoot against the arm of the couch, attempting to get away from him as I thrash in his arms and kick at him wildly.
"Baby, please-"
"Please go! Just go just go just go!" My voice breaks horribly, my chest burning as I scream at the top of my lungs, but I don't care. I can't handle him right now.
He grabs me by my ankles as I continue thrashing, pulling me from the couch and onto the floor. "Don't touch him!" I hear Niall scream.
"Are you going to fix this? Just let me help him. Can't you see he's hysterical?" The boy asks, the sound of his voice making my stomach clench and my eyes close even tighter.
"You're the reason he's hysterical!" Niall yells.
I don't want to say his name. I can't even think of his name.
The boy ignores Niall and pulls me into his lap, holding me close to his chest despite how harshly I continue to pull away.
"Angel, please breathe for me. I need you to breathe" He whispers, trying to cup my cheeks, but I slap his hands away and continue screaming as loudly as my lungs will allow.
"I hate you so much! Let me go!" I plead, choking on the saliva in my mouth and gagging from how intense my sobs are. I pull away so vigorously that he loses his grip, causing me to bang my head against the corner of the coffee table. He quickly pulls me back to his chest and cradles me, kissing the sore spot on my head.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," He sings through his own cries against my tear soaked neck. "You make me happy when skies are gray" His voice trembles as he sings and I don't miss the way I whimper, desperate to help him even when I should fucking hate him.
My sobs become a little more controlled, but I still try to pull away once every few seconds. He doesn't allow this though, just continues to sing in my ear and rub circles on my back, kissing my left cheek as I cry into his neck.
I should hate him right now. I should scream in his face and hurt him in the way he's hurt me. But his voice. God, his voice washes everything away even when he's the reason I'm hurting. His calloused hands, his warmth entrapping me and calming me as I inhale deeply, desperate to take in more of that scent. The scent that I can't get enough of but also makes me want to break down until there's nothing left to break.
We rock back and forth lightly, my attempts to get away coming to a halt as I allow him to relax me the way only he can. I keep my face buried between his shoulder and jaw, my tears staining his skin as he kisses gently on my temple and rubs my back.
Maybe I'm delirious, and maybe this is a dream. I don't know if I've officially lost my mind, but I swear that I can feel some of his tears trickling down my neck as his arms hold my waist securely.
"I'm sorry" His voice trembles against my neck and I can't tell if he's holding on for me or for him, but I can't handle him letting go.
I whisper, "How could you?" repeatedly, like a broken record against his skin, but he just holds on for dear life.
"How could you? How could you? How could you?" I cry, still fisting his shirt but I get no answer, just soft hums.
My body becomes so heavy, and it feels like I've lost my tether to reality. Half of me wants to run away and hide from the world, the other half gripping his shirt so tightly and crying so heavily because I can't bear the thought of losing him. And maybe, just maybe, if I hold on tightly, he'll never go.
-----
An excruciating migraine wakes me from my sleep, and instead of being on the floor, I'm tucked in with blankets on the couch.
I sit up and cradle my head in my hands, massaging my temples to relieve some tension because my sobs took all of my energy and left my head sensitive to the slightest movement. My hands travel to my sore and swollen eyes, rubbing the sleep from them.
I look around the empty and dark living room, the only light being from the moon that's casting through the curtains. My fingers graze my throat, feeling the immense pain shooting through it caused by the screaming.
"You're awake" I jump from the sudden noise, turning my head around frantically and feeling a chill run down my spine as my eyes land on the person sitting on the chair across the room. He has one knee drawn to his chest, his hands fiddling with a metal lighter that glistens in the moonlight, and I can only assume he's staring at me.
"Where's Niall?" I squeak out, wincing at the burning of my throat.
"Asleep in Gemma's room, had to move some boxes, but he crashed on her old bed." I nod and avert my gaze to the blanket wrapped around my waist.
I hear him stand from the chair, quiet footsteps growing louder as he walks over to me, but I can't look at him. If I do, I'll break down all over again.
The feeling of him sitting down a few inches away causes me to jump slightly and I press my body against the arm of the couch. "Harry-"
"Don't say it. Whatever you have to say, please just don't." I reply without taking a breath.
"Baby, we can't leave it like this," He whispers, inching closer to me. "I can't leave you thinking that this means nothing to me. That I'd purposely break your heart, I need you to hear me out." He says tiredly, sounding just as exhausted as I feel.
"I can't" I breathe.
"You can. Give me one hour baby, just one hour to explain everything and if at the end of it all you want nothing to do with me, I'll walk away. You'll never have to hear from me again." I should be happy hearing that, right? Knowing I'll never have to feel this way again should have me jumping for this opportunity, but all it does is make me want to sob all over again.
I mull it over for a moment, my mind telling me I should run for the hills but my heart pleading for me to just hear him out.
I look up from my lap, turning my head towards him and letting out the most pathetic whimper from what I see. His hair is disheveled as if he's been running his hands through it continuously. A deep red color lines his dark blue eyes and I can tell by the red of his nose, he's been crying.
My heart yearns for him, my body wanting so desperately to climb into his lap and kiss those beautifully red lips because it feels like it's been so long. Everything aches. From the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes, I'm aching for him and his warm and gentle touches, and I know I shouldn't but it's what I'm used to.
I want to cry, but it'd be a distinct cry. Not because my heart aches (though it still does) but because I just need to touch him. I need my hands to be on his skin, not even in a way that makes my toes curl, but in a way that makes me forget how to breathe. The touch that proves miracles truly exist.
I want him to hold me in his lap, my hands in his hair and my lips on his cheeks as he tells me how much he loves my curls and the green of my eyes. He'd tell me how sweet I smell, and how small I feel in his arms, even if it's nothing more than deceiving lies.
I know it's wrong for me to still need him. It's wrong that I just need him so desperately, and I'm hating myself for it.
I need him to lie to me. Tell me he loves me, even if it couldn't be further from the truth. Tell me everything I need to hear to wash it all away. The tears, the pain, the screams, the scars, wash it away. Rinse me clean like a baptism and make me feel loved.
Hold me and kiss away the pain and allow his hands to paint pure love over my skin.
"One hour, baby. That's all I'm asking" He pleads, cupping my cheek and running the pad of his thumb over my wet fluttering eyelashes.
I get lost in the blue of his eyes, and my mouth works faster than my mind does, but I'm okay with that. If at the end of the night, I have to let him go, I'll have no choice but to be okay with it.
"Okay"
---
A/N I may or may not be bawling my eyes out at this.
General check in: how have you guys been lately? I feel like I don't ask this enough.
I don't know how you guys feel about the emotional parts, but this one meant so much to me. Ahhh I never thought I'd cry while writing, but I think it was more so just the image of Harry being at such a low spot that just really got to me. :(
By the time I update next, it'll be after the 10th anniversary. I'm terrified, but also so ready to see what happens! Please enjoy that day and don't let anyone take it away from you.
Please vote and comment. My favorite part is always reading the comments haha :)
I love you guys to the moon and back- A