How I miss those open and loving brown eyes, for I tire of counting down the days to see them with my own which become misty with longing.
I would give anything to go back a couple of months and see him again before he had left. Savouring those lost moments instead of worrying about the future and what was to come—because now that I live within that future... I had only found it to be a dark and lonely place, where even beneath these thick materials, I am a cold void that only lives for the moment where I will be able to feel his body heat beside mine again.
The very moment when I would be able to bring my head close to his solid chest and listen to the heart that beats beneath the scars, rather than listening to the sound of my own ears ringing in this outcast silence.
Today, it has been four months since Kylo had been sent away to the Supremacy—and though the days leading to his return are shrinking, the amount of time I had to wait to get to this mark, had my sorrow only growing in a massive swell beneath my chest.
Not even the holograms of our presence was enough to feel real anymore; and every-time he calls, I have more words I wish to say but simply cannot find the way to express them in the enormity that they should convey. My heart ached as if an anchor weighed it down and my skin always prickled as if I was being sliced by a thousand, tiny, paper-cuts of thrown out speeches I wish to write to him.
It was another lonely day in the quarters and here I waste precious hours, laying upon the couch with his leather gloves twisted tightly around my own fingers as my hands rest upon a swelling belly—not too large yet, but yesterday I had discovered that I could no longer see my toes if I stand up straight.
As I lay with the leather in my hands, the gloves presumably having no regard for my feelings as they taunt me of Kylo's fabricated presence, all I can contemplate these past days is how it had come to this moment.
When did it get to a time when I would long for Kylo Ren? Seemingly giving him the key to unlock the door to my soul, I'm curious as to when my mind fully succumbed into the swirling images of his rough hands touching me gently, shaping me in his grip anew as if I was clay, perfecting my form as he had rebirthed my consciousness.
I couldn't describe the feelings I grew for him although, he was no longer here—I couldn't phrase what I wished to say. All I do know, is in these lonesome hours, I must remain a deep gratitude for this stop of time. A sense that what these past four months was, is a gift of sacred and transient passing of time, where I could figure out what all of this means.
Though, I would never say it aloud: I wish I could linger in the blissful ignorance I endured before I had met Kylo Ren. To take away the pain of missing him, for I always feel the need to wipe away non-existent tears that I want to form but I can't, because I have cried all of them out of my system already.
But, I know if the choice came down to it... I would never wish this warmth in my heart away, for what I feel towards Kylo Ren is the most pure and undoubting thing I have ever endured—but there's a sense of wrong, for I don't even know how it had come to this; how I had allowed myself to so foolishly fallen for someone so... distanced—both emotionally, and physically.
I don't feel like myself anymore. I huff in discomfort, my ribs never feeling comfortable within my own body anymore, and everything had become tender during my pregnancy. Leaning further into the couch, I scrunch my face up when I still couldn't find a position that didn't remind me of my womb that protrudes. I fret for a moment, worried for my spine when I remember that my stomach will only grow and grow, until it will look as if I am about to burst—but nothing worried me more than Kylo's eventual realisation that I am pregnant with his child.
My uniform barely covered my growing stomach, a bump now being seen beneath he thick material but I had found success in wrapping a blanket around my frame and claiming to be cold when Kylo calls.
With more time spent lounging around and awaiting his holograms: my feet were begging to be used, throbbing and tapping on the floors impatiently—as if my body was slowly becoming a dog that cried for daily walks, leash in its mouth and tail wagging.
When I cannot wait any longer, I savour my last warm moments relaxing as that was now all I did. Cursing to myself quietly, as I rip the blanket off my skin, finally forcing myself off the couch and introducing my impatient feet to chilled tiles, I decide it's time to go for my daily walk. The most exciting part of my day now, though it takes much strength to begin it.
Each wall I passed was of tile that was identical to the next without an identifying marker of any kind. Standing in what could be any hall of the Finalizer, there were no reason that left would be better than right, or ahead better than doubling back—though I had no process of choosing. I even climbed stairs to higher levels much like I had the day Kylo caught Arion and I, the first time I decided to escape his quarters.
Starting to get a a sense of thought, my pace brought calmness. Now that I had mastered the art of having a clear brain, the serenity of feeling my own intellect rather than tiring myself with unresolved feelings, I had to fight the urge to smile, fretting I would look like a crazy person.
I had missed lunchtime by a long-shot, not that it mattered anyway for my meals are always being ordered to the quarters. I wondered if it was because the First Order didn't want anyone to know who I was, and that maybe I wasn't supposed to be walking around as I did so this very moment—but I couldn't care less.
My boots weren't made for walking this long, the leather too tight, but there was nothing I could do about it other than what I have done already: wearing thinner socks and not lacing them as tight as I would've before I had become pregnant.
Remembering the difference in my body, I wrap my arms around my abdomen, attempting to hide the roundness that slightly poked out. Again, my body no longer felt like it was mine anymore... and though, I had no ounce of unloving for the being within me, I felt like a traitor that I felt so different... I felt guilty that all I wished was to go back to the way things were before—but maybe, that was the inkling of undeniable fear for both me, and the child, that whispered such wants in my ear.
StormTroopers, engineers, servants and even some men who dressed importantly enough for me to know they were higher up than the rest, passed by; though, none of them paid me any attention, much too busy on their own path to notice me on mine.
I could get lost in these hallways, always too focussed in my own surroundings, but after last week when I had completely lost my way on one of the lower floors, I had to keep some focus as to where I was going.
These walks were the best parts of my day, but like every great moment of clarity, it always seems to be interrupted as I walk around the corner to another busy hallway...
Someone calls my name.
Snapping my head in the direction where the voice came from, hidden behind a group of StormTroopers, my heart jolted for a moment, terrified that a General of the First Order had caught me out of my quarters.
But when I truely find the face to the voice, my eyes go wide and my heart truely pulsates.
Black uniform, stiff and crisp, and a servant by his side holding a stack of papers, it was Four. I stop dead in my tracks and clench my fists so tight that my nails dig into the palm of my hand, but I barely notice anything other than the boy I knew so well.
"Six..." He calls out, almost not believing I am truely standing a few feet away from him.
My stomach suddenly feels one hundred times bigger, noticeable to everyone in a hundred-mile radius, even with my attempts to hide it.
When a thankful cluster of engineers walked by, covering me from his sight, he tried to look above their heads—a perplexed look upon his face as his eyes squinted and eyebrows etched together.
A cold sweat glistened at the back of my neck and my eyes shot wide open. Panic trickled into my blood and cemented my bones to the floor, unsure of what to do and where to go.
All of time slowed around me, the engineers taking longer to walk by than they actually did, and in my moment of fear, I realised only one thing: I can't have Four see me this way.
Turning back around the corner in a split second, I forced my feet to hurriedly shove my way through the people who walked by. Glancing back, I notice Four leap around the corner too, his blue eyes searching for me in every possible direction and calling out my name, whilst some people gave us weird looks.
"Six!"
My hips hurt terribly walking this fast but my panic only willed my feet to rush faster without actually running. When I finally lost him, taking the stairs back to the floor I had come from, I breathe a sigh of relief as my heart beats erratically against my chest.
I felt guilty that I had run so easily away from Four, escaping the fear of him realising what had become of me since the last time we had seen each-other, so long ago. I suppose, I shouldn't cower away, for this was my purpose all along—but deep down, I knew being pregnant wasn't the only thing I tried to hide, but rather also how I indeed felt for the man who had given me a child in the first place.
Because like Arion, Four would never understand.
Shaking my head to myself and ripping the tight boots off my feet the moment I had re-entered the quarters, it takes everything in me to not crumple to the floor and cry a hole into the tiles. My sadness so fiery in their coldness, not caring that I had no energy to create and light them in the first place.
Trudging to the shower, I try to wash away my guilt. Naked flesh beneath the warm water droplets, Kylo's bathroom was much nicer than mine and I hoped he wouldn't mind the fact that I had used it the moment I had realised the difference between his and my own—and the fact that I had begun to use the body wash which he had left, indulging in the reminiscence of his scent that at this very moment, I wished could comfort me and my sorrow.
Water dripped down my shoulders, darkening and flattening my hair, and curling over my stomach—it expanded out to prove that another being resided within me. Two heartbeats within one, afraid body. My back ached as my entire weight relied upon it. I looked down at the stretched skin with red vein-like tendrils seeping across the sides, reminding me of an eyeball. Soft skin, red lines drawn along it. My heart pangs loudly against my chest and ringing in my ears, the water from the head of the shower screaming louder, trying to overpower all other noise.
The last amount of tears I had left, mixed within the water above. A waste to use them when they cannot even make their presence known.
I shouldn't have run away from Four. How stupid could I have been?
Four was never the one to be judgmental. He was never the one to cower away from another as easily as I had done so to him. Eventually I would have to find courage and show Five and Four what had become of me, same with Kylo—only difference is, Four is actually here... Four was someone I could confide to in my moments of terrible lonesome.
When the clock turns with the hours that go by, I am only a body of regret that plants itself onto the couch once more, depressingly as I had done earlier. When the alarm goes off in the quarter's entrance, notifying me of someone's arrival, I still don't move.
The servant comes in, the same as she would every-night, leading the tray in her hands to the kitchen bench and calling out the continents of my dinner.
I swallow the guilt in my throat, my stomach a swirling mess which didn't wish to eat but I ignore it as I force myself to my feet once more, my hair still slightly wet against my back.
"Thank you," I sigh to the servant, but furrow my brows when I realise she isn't the dark, skinned woman I had grown accustomed to over these past few weeks, but rather a petite, young girl that I somehow recognised.
Squinting my eyes slightly to the servant, I make my way to the kitchen and when I mentally replace the tray within her hands for multiple stacks of papers, I remember her clearly from earlier today.
She was Four's personal servant. My heart speeds in rhythm. My stomach drops.
She places the tray onto the kitchen table and bows, giving me a small smile as if she knew.
"Enjoy," She muttered, then turning on her heel and leaving the quarters as quickly as she had arrived.
A muscle twitched involuntarily at the corner of my right eye and my mouth formed a rigid grimace. Had Four somehow sent her?
No, that idea was simply ridiculous.
I licked my chapped lips, etching my way over to the tray on the bench, though I had no desire to indulge. Lifting the lid, the meal stared at me and I stared back at it, until the white cloth caught my attention.
Gasping at the letters sprawled on the napkin, my fingers began to tremble as I lifted the thin, paper fabric.
It was Four's handwriting, that was clear from my memory of growing up copying his math work.
The penmanship bleeds into the fabric, like blood into snow, the swirling mess of the letters are remarkably strong, written with expertise and confidence in slants across the napkin. Four's simple note was clearly rushed, as I read it with urgency too.
I saw you. Meet me in the dining hall in an hour.
My mind was in shreds. My mouth became dry. At those words that I read, all guilt had diminished from my body, but a spark had ignited within, threatening that same guilt to return if I refuse to see him again.
I am apprehensive, yet unafraid. There could be consequences for what I am about to do—but when I know what would happen is bound to in the future. There is no running away this time, for I still feel guilty about doing so already. It is the jolt I need to know that I am walking into a storm, but not so much that my steps will be hindered. If anything it gives me the courage I need to make the move, Four needs to see me and I need to see him. Maybe, it was for the best to walk into the eventual storm, one person by one, Four's reaction couldn't be any worse than Arion's was... or Five's could be.
Soon enough, with arms folded tightly across my chest, I tapped my foot nervously and all the while, stared out of the grimy window of the Dining Hall.
Four hadn't arrived yet, but maybe that was because in my anxiousness, I had arrived twenty minutes prior to his request. Every fibre of my being wanted to run out those doors and hide away back in Kylo's quarters, but my heart begged for me to stay.
The tables had only just been cleaned, still wet with bleach and as I swipe a finger on the surface, the doors screech open, Four entering soon after.
The blond boy wears a face that searches around the whole room, preparing for it to be empty but to his surprise, he sees me sitting in the back corner just before he was about to give up looking.
"Six..." He breathes. My eyes become hazy. No backing out now.
"Four," I try and smile, though my lips tremble and so does my chin.
Four practically runs over to the table I sit at, and when he is so close, arms open for a warm embrace, all air leaves my lungs.
I close my eyes for a split second, begging the tears that threatened to form to go away, and when I open them once more, I force myself to stand also, revealing my new frame, to which his smile faded and eyes dropped upon.
"W-What?" He muttered, disbelief washing over his features as he stared to my swollen belly.
When he looked back into my misty eyes, tears were already spilling helplessly down my cheeks.
"Oh... Six," He hummed, holding me into his arms, weary of my womb. "It's okay," He soothed, breathing into my hair as I fell into his grip.
The feel of his body so close to mine soothed me more than I had expected, resembling the feeling of falling into bed after a hard day—though, instead that day was in fact four months and the bed was his soft arms which held me closely to his chest.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed into the fabric of his expensive shirt.
He tuts against me, "Why would you ever have to be sorry?"
I pull away from his grasp, my eyes searching for any possible anger from him; only to find none.
"—I was so scared that you would think differently of me, if you saw me like this... I'm so sorry for running off on you."
Four stands stiffly in his starched and pressed uniform, lightsaber by his side. The dark threads mark him out as a fighter, a protector, a defender. He is barely recognisable as the boy I once knew, the boy who would follow around Three like he was shivering and she was his eternal flame.
He shakes his head, grabbing me by the hands and gently directing me down back into my seat—him taking the one next to mine and sitting sideways upon it. "This doesn't change anything about who you are," He gives me a small, warm smile.
Four and I had never been really close, but in this very moment it didn't matter, for he was still holding my hands and brushing a delicate, comforting thumb against my palms, soothing my tears.
"I'm so lost, Four," I admit, caving into the crumbled mess of my defences.
His lips part and he etches his eyebrows in together, only watching my eyes rather than the stomach that I tore my hands away from his own to cradle instead.
"Why's that?" He asks and my chin wobbles once more.
"Nobody has really seen me this way, I don't know how some will react..."
"You haven't told Kylo Ren?" Four says, eyes screaming that the question he asked had another to follow up, that was harder to speak.
I shook my head.
"... Five doesn't know either?"
I can feel the sweat drench my skin, the throbbing of my pulse, the ringing vibrating in my ears, and the thumping of my heart against my chest. It is as if gasoline has been poured into the spark of fear in my chest. It feels as if my heart will explode and my eyes are wide with terror. The thoughts are accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow so I can breathe but they won't.
Five doesn't know. He also doesn't know a lot of things... I think back to the Supreme Leader threatening to take Five's life if I didn't complete my duty...
"No. He doesn't know..." I croak and Four sighs, arms caving into his frame limply.
His lips twitch downwards in sympathy, "Why not?"
When I try to speak, my voice falters into unintelligible croaks, "I don't want him to hate me any more than he already does."
Four huffs a small chuckle, weakly and tired. Ocean-blue eyes coarse into my own, conveying a message that he will never be able to say on behalf of someone else as purposely. My heart beats loud within my own ears and at his words, I am brought back to the last moment he and I had spoken.
"Six... Five could never hate you as much as he tries to act like he does," He shakes his head, mouth opening to continue, but he stops first to put the words together in his own mind before just spluttering them out,
"Five loves you. Seeing you in this way, may hurt him...but I don't believe it could ever take away the love he carries everywhere he goes, even if you are not with him physically."
Silence holds its grip upon all the air around us, and my stomach churns. Five can't love me. He shouldn't love me.
I chewed at the inside of my mouth, tearing my eyes away from Four and snapping my face away. "He can't love me," I cast my gaze onto the wall, the hole Kylo had put into it with a butter knife, so long ago, burning into my sight.
"You said that the last time I told you," Four soothes, placing a warm hand upon my shoulder, "Why must you think love doesn't exist? When you so clearly hold it towards Five?"
My eyes darkened. I glanced back up at Four. "My feelings towards Five are not love..."
Four sighed at my words and slumped, tilting his head over to me and gazing with watchful eyes.
"How can you cross out what you feel for Five as not love so easily?"
The pain surged with every expelled breath, always reaching higher peaks, never sufficiently soothed by my long intakes of breath as I look out into the blue of Four's eyes, so starkly different to the warmth Kylo's brown brings me. How could I cross it out so easily? I knew the reason deep within my heart, but my mind would never admit it—neither would my words.
I shake my head.
"Because I just know and—and... I can't ever love Five the way he wants me to," I stutter.
He sighs once more.
"How could you walk a path when you don't know what other routes are obtainable?"
Four was pestering me with his words. Trying to find something deep within me that just didn't exist... towards Five.
My mind was a surging mess of perplexity. Like waves crashing onto soft sand, all my emotions were drawing upon my heart, with little kindness and warning.
"Just give Five a chance," He says, "You could give him as much love as you deserve his."
I shake my head again.
I can't love. Love is unattainable. Love only leads to pain and those who follow it wrongly, towards a life of loneliness. But look at me now... so lonely in Kylo's quarters, a womb full of his child in which I wish to keep as a memory of his tenderness that night he held me so close.
His touch is my only energy and all that Kylo is, is my reason for now being. I saw his soul one precious night under the stars and it lives with me still in the fleeting moment before I fall asleep. The true enemy of love is when emotional indifference takes command of logic, swaying young to not believe in it for the return of power, but I've never been shown my true power... until I had met him.
I want to tell Four with my whole heart that I don't love anyone, but that's not the whole truth—and I'm afraid my words will sound as hollow as the missing piece within my heart is.
Like terrifying combat, I don't want to partake in the cruelty that may shatter my heart if I admit what I feel, but what if this is all I have wished to to admit, the moment I had realised the truth?
I could never admit it to Kylo and that fact was eating away at my insides every minute, but Four wasn't Kylo. Maybe, I could feel some relief without the pain residue...
"Four," I whisper low within the Dining Hall, scared someone will hear my confessions. Though, only the stars that glisten behind us, are the only intruders.
"I can't love Five... because... I love someone else."
Four's eyes slightly widen, blonde hair gleaming in the light as he tilts his head to the side, uncertain.
"W-Who?" He stuttered his question, though by the way his eyes drooped sadly and the way he softly bit his bottom lip, I realised he already knew the answer.
"Kylo Ren."