"—And what does this button do?" I ask, nearing my finger to a wobbly, red button that sat upon handles.
"That button fires the ship's ammunition."
I flinch my fingertips away immediately, "Oh."
I turn to Kylo and meet his wondering stare. His eyes rest upon me, not in the once harsh way he often would, but somewhat struck with endearment which makes my stomach flip, yet the effect is soft and inviting instead of nervous. Perhaps it is his lips that give away his adore, not quite smiling but tilting up as if they mean to.
Here we both stand, in his Command Shuttle a few hours before his scheduled departure. I wasn't so certain that he and I should be together so publicly in the loading bay, but the First Order was already creating a distance soon, so I would keep ours minimal in the meantime.
Kylo decided I could join him to farewell his departure and I was thankful for the fact that I could, although I would rather join him entirely to The Supremacy instead. He was due to leave in less than an hour, but I knew deep down he wanted to spend as much time together before he was gone so now he was showing me around the Command Shuttle, pointing out objects and buttons as if I would have a singular clue as to their purpose.
He bit the edge of a smile away in attempts to hide his pleasure at my lack of knowledge about something that resembled a second nature to him – These confusing buttons all spread around seemingly being his keys and he was the pianist.
"If you look to the front, you can see the aiming device on the screen." He points his gloved hand in front of the main pilots seat. "And that little switch there – Activates the ships defences."
The panel of buttons and steering gear was a jumble of dots and levers, and even when Kylo points to each toggle, I lose them in the mess of others. In the darkness of the command shuttle, it was only the under-lit keys that glowed. They cast only a slight hue that seemed to just die inches from the machine, only hitting the surface of our faces lightly.
"Right..." I nod, dragging out my word and wringing my hands together as if I understood, and he could tell straight away that I was still as lost as I was the moment he lead me into here. Looking to the right of his head, I notice deep slashes melted into the metal panelling. I point to the indents and raise an eyebrow,
"What are they from?" I ask, my tone laced with sarcasm for I figured I already knew the answer. Like the scar torn into the flesh across his cheek, the wounds in the wall had come from a burning weapon only given to those who can wield it.
"Ah..." He didn't need to glance to the slashes in the metal to know what I was talking about and if I didn't know any better, I would presume that hint of red that formed below his jawline, to be a flush of timidness. "That was... Me."
I roll my eyes, "You should really be more careful then." I joke and he only shrugs.
"Doesn't change the way it flies, so what's the problem with a little... Redecoration?" He retorts and I burst into laughter.
Kylo paused, head tilted toward the buttons above, that I only now noticed were there. The many tiny lights, streamed down upon his wintry, pale skin, existing like the stars upon a beautiful galaxy. He smiles.
His sly smile, is the prettiest thing I think I've ever seen, for right now, it extends to his warm, brown eyes and deep into his somewhat, dark soul. When his gloved hands reach for my clasped mess of ones, the gentle touch resembles his soft skin, torn by so many instances.
"Maybe when I come back... I could give you a proper tour?" He breathes and suddenly my lungs are empty, "You know, we could fly it somewhere else. Leave Finalizer for a bit."
I couldn't find my voice. I felt my cheeks flush hot, and my stomach became a heard of butterflies. My heart pounded in my throat, threatening to break out.
His eyes wandered around my features, waiting for a response and mine stayed locked on him. Leave Finalizer? Would I finally feel warmth on my face that didn't come from artificial light?
My stomach drops and those butterflies erase, for even if the First Order allowed us to leave together, when he returns in five months, little did he know, I would be a swollen belly of his child by then.
"I-I would really like that." I smile, ignoring my worries. I didn't know if I should tell him I was supposably pregnant, but I didn't want to remind him of my only reason for being here, my only reason of existence.
No, all that mattered right now was him and I, and this very moment.
His eyes grow a golden brown at his warmth, and I melt into his honey hues. What was once only a handful of butterflies is now an army and their numbers only grow when he starts to lean in close, and my lips begin to tingle when they yearn to be placed upon his own sooner.
Within a split second, our mouths were already clashing. Kylo's hands of leather, rise above my own hands and make their way to my cheeks, holding me in place as we both closed our eyes and kissed harder.
Passionate and open-mouthed, I loved the way my smaller body melted into his, the way it always will. My body was a betrayal to his touch, needing nothing more in this Universe than him entirely. Like a key to a lock, our lips fit perfectly and soon, his tongue slithered over my own.
I moan into his kiss and slide my hands up his strong forearms that are held up to my face. The kiss lasted for what seemed forever and I wished it would, but I needed to breathe before my lungs caved in beneath his tongue.
I try to pull away, my lips leaving his and exhaling in a sudden rush as if his kiss was drowning me, but before I could fully recuperate, something flashed amongst the surface of his expression and those strong hands forced me back to his mouth.
I hardly had a moment to react before he pressed his tongue to the seam of my lips and during my shocked gape, he took that as my grant of access, delving himself inside my mouth once more.
I furrowed my brows at the sloppy kiss that lingered with need more than desire, which was exchanged in the intermingling of our billowing breaths.
My arms reached up and held onto his strong, toned chest, and at the sound of someone's arrival with a clearing of their throat, I pushed him off me. My hair probably a mess and my face most likely flushed crimson, I was met with the very disgruntled faces of General Hux and... Five.
Mouth agape at Five for what he had just witnessed, guilt floods my veins.
Five's stare was intentionally cold, his eyes that I once morphed my salvation instead churned my stomach every bit as badly as when his blood began to boil.
With a scowl and etched in eyebrows was how he showcased his bitterness. How he hated me in this very moment for he has finally been shown of my choice between him and Kylo. I can almost see the way his Universe turns red in rage and crumples around him, for he had thought all along like I once did, that it would be he and I in the end. But now, I can say without a doubt, nothing will ever end the way we once presumed.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Kylo's arrogant triumph, he smirked. With just a small pouting of the lips that once pressed to my own and a narrowing of his brown eyes whilst tilting his head, I could tell he did this on purpose. It was so subtle, but Five could tell as much as I could.
In the tension filled air, General Hux clears his throat once more and clasps his leathered hands behind his back, the way he usually would. I stare into the malicious, blue eyes and saw the pleasure he was getting out of all of this mess – Only he and I in this Command Shuttle knew of all the chaos the Supreme Leader had caused behind the scenes.
"Ren." Finally, Hux speaks, "I thought I would find you here early, though I didn't expect company."
His eyes would rest on a point or even a person, and he'd stay there longer than the average person would – As they now glanced onto me like I was the soot beneath his boot. It was like the elongated eye contact General Hux made, demanded a greater degree of physical separation from everyone and everything.
My head swam with sudden regrets and my heavy heart felt as if my blood had become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. It wasn't regret over my choice. Kylo would always be the one I would blindly follow... But I never wanted to throw it into Five's face as if I never cared; As if forgetting the childhood closeness we once provided.
"Well, why did you need to find me in the first place?" Kylo asks, eyes glancing over to Five and immediately feeling the daggers pierce his thick skin that Five's hazel eyes provided – Though those slices only brought him pride as much as those battle scars upon him proved his strength and worthy.
"To make sure everything was going to plan." General Hux tuts, still looking my way but breaking contact with his next words, "I won't be accompanying you two, but Snoke asked of me to make sure everyone was upon schedule for departure."
Kylo suddenly wore a puzzled expression, furrowing his brows and squinting his eyes, "You Two?" He repeated General Hux's words, perplexed.
General Hux glanced back to me for a split second and then left again, his face casting as dead-panned as he could manage, yet he failed. There at the corner of his would-be sombre, thin lips was a crease of amusement. A smirk tugging to the right of his cheek.
"Oh. You didn't know?" He sighed, rolling his eyes and my stomach churns. "Apprentice Five, would be joining you to The Supremacy until further notice."
It seemed all along Kylo never knew as much as I did, and I suddenly wondered why Snoke decided not to tell him Five was leaving too, until he eventually found out today?
All at once, Kylo was blinded by a five-course serving of rage that tasted bitter, resembling acid. His fists clench by his sides, the stretch of leather sounding to my ears and his jaw clenched.
"And why is that?" He spat, eyes ripping between General Hux and Five as if they didn't know who they suddenly loathed more.
"Because Supreme Leader Snoke ordered me to, himself." Five suddenly says, his upper lip twitching.
Almost too slowly to be natural, Kylo turns his neck to Five, and I could feel the rage in his body but didn't know how to stop it from erupting. Like the slashes in the ship's panelling, he was torn with burning anger, whilst also loyalty to his Supreme Leader.
"Did he now?" Kylo seethes between clenched teeth, glancing back to Hux to search for proof.
General Hux nods, his sleek hair shining amongst the glimmering ship's lights. "Yes, he did. Now, both of you get over yourselves and make sure you are both still here in thirty minutes. I don't want to be babysitting such dimwits."
He turns on his heel swiftly to leave but before he exits the craft, Five stops him, running after Hux and furrowing his brows.
"We're taking the same ship?" He says in shock, spitting his words as if they tasted wrong upon his tongue, "I refuse to be trapped inside a ship with him. Prepare me another."
Hux glanced over, the corners of his lips fighting a smile and his eyebrows slightly raised. Kylo didn't return his gleam though, for he didn't want to share a craft either.
"Know your place, boy." General Hux spits, mouth tugging downwards. "Though I may not have a saber... I'm sure the one who does, won't have much refrain from using it if you give him another reason to."
And then he leaves.
Five stands there dumfounded for a moment, his hands clenched by his sides tightly. He only looks back to me for a split second, his eyes hurt but his stomach disgusted; And then he follows Hux's departure.
In a wave of clashing emotions, my heart seems to never get to rest. I feel guilty, and that I should've never been blessed with such a grand friend before, for now I don't want to be friends with anyone at all because then I don't have to trust anyone, or ever betray them either.
My face has become rigid, jaw clamped tight, teeth grinding. Five had changed, that fact was obvious, and though I had saved his life, I didn't need to make it unbearable.
When I feel the large hand wrap around my upper arm, I turn and snap.
"You knew he was going to see!" I explain, eyes disappointed. "Why did you force him to see that? I thought we would have to remain a secret forever!"
Suddenly, Kylo grabs my chin in his hand, leathered fingers brushing my skin. "Is there a certain reason you didn't want him to know?" He pesters, trying to imply I indeed loved Five after all of this time.
"No!" I roll my eyes, annoyance filling my chest, tight and cold. "But he already hates me enough at the moment – And you, don't forget that he hates you just as much, maybe more."
At my words, Kylo halts his breathing whilst his eyes stare right into my soul. I feel as if I have made him angry and I suddenly become cautious. He drops my chin and my breathing comes in small spurts, hot and nervous. At my sides, my fingers curl into sweaty fists as in one swift motion of his finger, he uses the force to shut the door to the Command Shuttle.
Oh, No.
His side profile facing me and his eyes shunned away, Kylo speaks softly within the small amount of space between our beating hearts. "And what is his reason to hate me? Other than the fact that I have you?"
My lips part and a lump forms in my throat. What he said, he didn't mean to be hurtful, but the casual way he had spoken it brought more pain upon me.
He continues,
"He loves you. Yes, that I can tell." He turns to me, eyes searching for an answer to a question he will always hold, "You mistake his anger, for he is only burning with confusion. And like myself... He doesn't understand why you chose me over him."
The pain I carry in my chest is inexplicable and the way his features prove his hesitancy, only cuts my wounds deeper. Even though I want to hold Five and keep him by my side for a longer time, it seems like he only keeps drifting farther and farther away from me as I am pulled into Kylo's magnificent force.
I guess, I was just as confused as Kylo was, for my mind doesn't understand why I chose him either, but my heart clearly does.
I'm so scared, there I'll admit it, but those brown eyes are as if hands constantly wrap around me making me feel safe. It's like I can see galaxies instead of just pupils. Having Kylo in my life makes me feel like everything's possible in this cruel Universe, and I will endure every bit of torture if he is the one to piece my brokenness back together.
I don't regret choosing Kylo and I know he will always be my first for everything, but I will never regret those moments we share. I know he and I may never last, for our future will always be uncertain and looked down upon, but in the meantime as long as those big hands hold onto me, I will follow destiny's uncertainty.
As much as I know it's the worst for me, for Five and for everyone else, I can stop falling into Kylo's gravity. I'll never forget the moments Five laughed with me, cried with me, helped me and I don't regret any of those memories. I only hope that he eventually finds that happiness we once shared again, but it can't be with me.
"I-" I stutter, my eyes glazing over with wet tears to follow whilst my bottom lip shakes. "I don't know..." I breathe, my shoulders falling limp.
"– I don't know why I chose you, Kylo." I continue, meeting his home-like eyes, though I have never had a home until now, "But I know I always will, for some unknown reason. Call it destiny or call it a force-bond, I don't care... I just know you feel right and I've never been blessed with something so... Completing, before."
"– So until the inevitable time comes when I can't hang onto you anymore... I will keep my grip tight and optimistic." I finish.
In a hesitated moment, I watch the way Kylo's mind sinks in my words, still somewhat unbelieving even though he knows my words couldn't be more true. I can tell in this very moment, Kylo has always been a closed away person, for in fact he had closed off the old him – Ben, entirely. But right now, I can see something in him change.
Tears layering that honey-brown, he tries to speak but he cuts himself off, clearly thinking of his next words but none seem to be the right thing to say. My heart is beating erratically against its cage and yearning for release.
Though leaving no smears or streaks against that scarred skin, Kylo proves he isn't the cold machine the First Order want him to be when he grabs my face once more and kisses me lightly.
Within that heart that beats against my own as we stand so close, Kylo's emotions feel so divine lingering in the air around us. I want to scoop him up in my arms and keep him safe for all time, though I know that's what he will do for me instead.
He didn't need to let me see those eyes that swim with tears, for they shine with as much life as the galaxy, proving the reality of who he truly is. I didn't need to see those tears to prove my worthy. No, but I did feel them glisten against my cheeks and taste their saltiness against my lips that danced with his own, and that was enough for us to both understand our overriding choice.
When Kylo leans me against the controls, the buttons and levers digging into my back uncomfortably, I didn't complain or ask him to stop even when he started to undo his belt – Only encouraged it with an excited whimper.
"You're mine." Kylo growled, peppering wet kisses onto my throat and below my ear. His tears and my own becoming sticky upon our faces.
I nodded against his mouth, moaning and gripping onto the sides of the control panel.
"I'm yours." I whimper, clenching my eyes so tight, I begin to see spots and hues behind my lids.
With both hands clutching onto my thighs and the material of my skirt already riding up in this position with his exposed length between my legs, Kylo hissed beneath my ear in pleasure as he began to grind against the very thin material of my undergarments – Causing pleasure in my most delicate place, eager for his fragile return in a violent way.
My fingernails dug deep into the panelling, slipping occasionally with his movement but I kept my place. "Kylo!" I cried, wanting so desperately to let go of the panelling and grip my fingers into his soft, long hair.
Then, a gloved hand moved my hair away from the right side of my neck and I whimpered as the leather brushed a certain spot he had previously taken his time on. The leather feeling so coarse and rough – Though his movements were gentle, he reaches down to my undergarments and splits the material in half.
I give him a breathy giggle, my eyes drunk on lust. "If you keep tearing my clothes I am not going to have any left."
"That doesn't bother me."
Pulling away from my neck, his hair sprawled over his eyes but they were too bright to be blinded. He never stared at my exposed flesh which tingled at the open air, he only watched my face with adoring eyes, the brown flickering over every inch of my features as he tip-toed leather fingers to my entrance.
I gasp when a a finger enters and my eyes roll to the back of my head when another joins. "Kylo!" I repeat, like a broken recording but his breathing only became more erratic every time I gasped his name.
Exploring with gentle, covered strokes, I moan when the leather brushes what seems like all my nerves, causing my thighs to spasm and clench around his frame, holding him in place and inviting more of those leather traces.
The leather causes a passionate bliss, but it's not enough and when I beg him to, he follows my orders as if I was the Supreme Leader he worshiped so deeply. Replacing his fingers with his long length as if my pleads were all he was waiting for.
His hips were moving, hitting my core in a steady, slow pace, and dragging along my walls that throbbed with the same rhythm of my erratic heart. Leather hands now returning to my exposed thighs, with every squeeze of those big hands, I bucked my hips impossibly closer to his.
"Oh, Six." He breathes, eyes fluttering shut in a lust filled daze.
When that same bliss filled both of us at the same time, we gave into its pleasure and comfort it brought over our aching souls like a thick blanket. Our passion was a beautiful climax and when his length left me, his frame never did, only holding me tighter with the hand that was once inside of my core.
When the time came to eventually part, the pain never eased but we were no longer afraid of it. For the next months to come, the stars will dictate the tales of his perpetual glories with a reminiscent touch that will always remind me of his eyes.
I wish I could go back to when I first met him so I could do it all over again and I wouldn't change a single thing for this departure was inevitable but perfect never-less.
I now need him because without him I'm a nobody, I am nothing. I'm lost and the only way for me to be found is when I see Kylo again.
But I do say goodbye, savouring his words and never wasting them. There is no distance between us, no matter how far that shuttle goes, for the magnetic pull will always be there reminding me of him.
When I eventually lay down in his bed that night, staring out into the stars, wondering which speckle could be him, I place a hand on my womb.
Every departure brings a new beginning and I hope the new beginning is the dawn of something cherished rather than used as a tool.
I smile.
The First Order can attempt take Kylo out of my life, but they will always fail to do so, for I will wait for his return whilst nurturing his reminder in the meantime.