The paths lay before me, as always, like an impossible maze. But this time was different. One path began to glow as if it were made of all the rays from every sun in the universe itself and the other path melted away beneath its warmth.
Kylo was that light. My past was the forgotten.
He had the ability to take away the power of my painful beginnings whilst in the midst of a cruel universe. I was physically and mentally trapped in a corrupt and immoral existence that belonged to the First Order, and yet when Kylo holds me in his arms every-night, I imagine that I belong only in that hold.
I can't live any longer in the First Order's command, and now that I had fulfilled my duty—they couldn't ask of anything more from me. So with great empathy, so much so that mine resonates in the core of Kylo's dark soul, I believe if I listen to the universe and learn all the lessons it brings to me, I could work through this life with only positive karma.
Occasionally, my mind still goes back to that reminiscence and dread, but I try to divert it. No longer was that intimacy that happened nights ago only meaning Five's life, but my own in the end, for when I felt Kylo's heart and my own almost twine into one another, it is as if I have been pulsated back to life, ready to fight forevermore.
It's as if I wrote a good life over the top of a bad one, but now as I am lead back to the throne room that Supreme Leader Snoke sits, that depiction's ink of the good fades away until only the bad one remains.
Reminded of the ruling and bigoted opinions, dread owns me. Sinking over me like an icy chill and numbing my brain. In this frozen state my mind offers me only one thought: It is time. There is no avoiding it.
Snoke was going to file through every possible outlet until he figured out the truth—whether I am pregnant with Kylo's child or not—until he was satisfied with an outcome.
Though, I will speak the truth... I still think some sick part of that man would rather see Five die today, but that wasn't going to happen.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish my moment with Kylo could've been only ours forevermore, but Five's life was counting on this.
Dread has my stomach locked up tight, knotting it in endless loops and causing a slight sweat against my back. With my teeth locked tight together, I try and filter out all the feelings and memories that I shouldn't have in my mind.
If Snoke found out about me giving Arion the coordinates to StarKiller, Five's feelings towards me and my own towards Kylo... that is only fuel to Snoke's never-dying flame, which he would use to burn me entirely if it meant my death in the end.
But unless I can turn back time, kill the force between Kylo and I or inject amnesia into my mind: my time has come—though I know Snoke will never kill me, for I am useful in this force.
No. Instead, I am certain he would find a way to make my life miserable in return.
I can't let him read my mind. I must make Snoke believe my words rather than my inner ones.
The throne room was in perfect condition. The exact same way as it looked last time, as the red guards still stand tall and Snoke even now, sits defiantly upon that throne, as if he had never left.
A diffused light was beaming down upon me, which made an eerie contrast with the beaming glow from the central altar, giving the devil a white halo. The fragrance of blood was heavy and yet there was none—I felt ready to drop to my knees and beg for Five's life, though I will never kneel before a ruler who doesn't own my journey.
Slowly experiencing my old consciousness retreating into the abyss of my subconscious mind, I spoke before being told to, as General Hux moved from behind me and replaced himself behind the Supreme Leader.
"Embrace your destiny."
Once again, in his robes of gold, the torn skin that coated a thin, powerful man dawns before me as so do those ruthless, blue eyes.
Upon seeing the hideous vessel, I also know that understanding the rotten core, so putrid wiht decay and war, I must work hard to convince a man who's only desire is to kill... not to.
"—With open arms and welcoming," Snoke chimes, a smirk forming upon his cracked lips but never reaching those empty eyes. My breath gets caught in my chest and I know the fear is gaining on me, but I must breathe shallow and find a way to release this fragility, for I am no longer a glass doll for him to break.
"Six..." The Supreme Leader leans in upon his throne, his forefinger brushing his thumbs as if he was rubbing awake the evil within, "How have things been since our last discussion?"
Whilst it sounded like small talk, the man had cut straight to the chase—as if I was the helpless rabbit to his wild dog. My mouth goes dry and I pray he doesn't notice the way my legs shake beneath my skirt.
How had things been? Haunting, but enchanting all the same. I had gone through the worst weeks of my life whilst also the best with Kylo Ren. The most beautiful of memories are the worst, cutting my insides as if they were shards of glass. I can't let Snoke figure out my feelings towards his apprentice—look at what he did when he found out my warmth to my best-friend.
"Fine," I utter, my voice barely reaching the throne but the man upon it heard me never-less.
I'm working so hard on closing off my mind and trying on my emotions, that I didn't notice the Supreme Leader rise from his seat, and make his way over. Standing mere inches from me, he watches me as if he was trying to read behind my skull, though I knew he was saving that for later.
"Has it?" He mutters, eyes flickering upon my features and a sly tongue licking his thin lips as if he was already salivating before his prey,
"And what about our... agreement?"
I begin to see red and I suddenly forget my place behind all this anger within.
"Agreement?" I spit, as he begins to do laps around my frame, "Don't you mean your threat?"
"Well, in that case..." The Supreme Leader began and as he rounded back in front of me, his smirk never faded. My eyes flicker behind his shoulder to General Hux for a second, to notice the one upon his face grow too at my words; as if he already knew what was about to happen.
Suddenly, all the air within my lungs evaporates and my airways tighten.
I claw at my neck, but find no hand to rip away from strangling me. My heart starts to beat harder and faster. My adrenaline levels rising as tears spilled from my eyes and down my draining cheeks.
"–Did my threat work?" He seethes into my trembling face. Saliva falls from the corners of my mouth and I beg silent spares at the leader, his force grip cutting off all my abilities and making my veins feel as if they are about to collapse—but only I do, as I fall helplessly to my knees; like a good subject to a ruler would.
All at once, the grip around my throat is gone and immediately, I heave in oxygen as if I had never inhaled before. It shocks my lungs and my heart beat quickens as I lay vulnerable beneath Snoke's feet.
Only my gasps fill the silence, echoing against the armour of the guards and the paneling of the throne. I know the tensing of my muscles against the shaking of my bones is useless, but I do it instinctively, trying to suppress for a few more moments what I know I cannot. I need to drink in the silence to counteract the fear that threatens to engulf me, but Snoke ends the silence after my gasps return to a normal pace once more.
"Answer me!"
I raised my eyes, burning with anger, exasperation riding in my tone, "Yes."
His eyes lighten upon my words, and I can tell he is pleasantly surprised, for he doesn't know how I truely feel about Kylo Ren, and how I would willingly open my legs and heart for that man so long as he shows me his light in the meantime.
"Truely?" Snoke retorts, with long, bony fingers twined into each-other above my face, "Let me take a look and see if you speak the truth."
"No!" I yell suddenly, holding me hands out to stop his that reach towards my forehead.
My mind was once my refuge, a place of guaranteed secrets only intended for me, but when I had realised the most powerful could break down those barriers to my thoughts: my sanctuary had only become a war zone, ready for all the land mines to blow.
I was scared of the Supreme Leader, more than anyone else in this entire universe—for what he could do with those secrets is an endless catalog of torment.
"Please..." I beg, tears welding in my eyes as I stare to the wicked above, "I don't want to see it. Please... believe me."
All at once, I am on my feet with a rough pull of the force, the toes of my boots barely grazing the floor as they swung to be grounded. Snoke has his hand reached out, his face drawing in close with a scowl.
"Belief is only a fabricated ignorance," He spits, wet dots hitting my cheeks.
"Please!" I cry when his long fingers draw in closer; but when they lower and creep down, I feel the long fingernails scrape the material above my lower abdomen. Then, his malicious hand spreads, holding onto the womb within.
I furrow my eyebrows and my chin wobbles. What was he doing?
Snoke's eyes meet mine once more and I can see within the icy blue, the salvation burning only in Hell. When he speaks once more, his hand leaves my womb, fingertips grazing the material a little while longer, as if they wanted to stay. Bile rises.
"What are you hiding?" His jaw locks, "Let me see within."
"No!" I try to move away but he has my body still locked mid air. I was scared of what those secrets within held, all the warmth that seemed to never escape. Kylo's tenderness was suddenly pin point needles, piercing my skin.
He squints, looking into my eyes as if he was searching for something and then the rest of my face as if he was mapping it out in the back of his mind. I stare back and I am stuck in a defiant gaze—but am struggling within, fighting with myself on whether I should brake and blink, or let my eyes dry up so much they water once more.
"Then, are you lying?" The Supreme Leader seethes.
The cold look reflected on his face gave me shudders and in the blue, seemed to be no sense of humanity. My hands trembled at my sides and I desperately wanted to jam my fist into my mouth to stifle a scream—though, I never did lie.
"No, I swear to you... Supreme Leader."
Snoke's jaw clenches and I can practically see the red bubbling behind his wrecked skin. It feels like time has stopped for a moment as the air stands silent and suspended as he just watches me.
"Maybe, you need that motivation once more," Snoke speaks, turning his head to the side and watching Hux through his peripherals—Commanding an order to the General that makes my skin crawl and my blood cells panic.
"Bring the boy in."
The adrenaline spread through my body like icy, liquid metal. I can taste saliva thickening in my throat and beads of sweat trickling down my brow. Five.
"No! Please don't!" I wail, as General Hux begins to pass my levitated frame and make his way to the doors.
My body is surging in flight mode, begging to be released from this force. I clench my fists and do the same with my eyes, pleading for my feet to move out of this grip. Move! I noticed my feet tremble. My knees ache. My legs twitch, lingering the impulse to move in my bones and all at once, I throw myself in the air and crash onto the floor by his feet.
General Hux stops just before he stands on me with his shiny, crisp shoes. Turning to stare at Snoke with an astonished gaze. I have no time to bask in my resistance for I am too indulged in the panic to save Five's life once more.
"Okay..." I weakly give in. "You can look inside my mind."
The Supreme Leader turns, but too slowly to be normal. Once again, I am back in that force grip, my legs dragging against the shiny floors as the boots screech in the silence on my return to Snoke's feet.
Hands place on my forehead and I don't scream or fight back. Just endure the pain that is to come when the images flash through my mind.
They're all of Kylo.
Nobody else.
I feel every emotion that I feel towards that man, all over again and at once—Snoke can feel it too.
In my heart I can feel the sadness, happiness, anger and... love—whilst the pain in my mind consumes me.
Instantaneously, the pain and Snoke's hands are gone and I am thrown back onto the ground, left sobbing into my arms.
I was a tsunami of emotions that never mixed but clashed against each-other, fighting to be at the forefront of my mind. I was nothing but a vein full of intense sadness, fear and grief—all attached to Kylo Ren like a coiled up string, for I had exposed the one thing I had to keep hidden in order to keep him forevermore.
"Ah. I see it now," Snoke tuts, brushing off his hands and sighing as he returns to his throne as if my passion bored him. Lounging upon his seat, I raise my head to him, neck craning as I do so.
"Maybe, I was foolish to think that the boy was your weakness... for I can see that weakness belongs to someone else."
"Stop," I weakly protest, but the leader continues.
"Though, I cannot rid my most trusted, nor now you... these feelings you possess are formidable and forbidden in the First Order upon your role. I hope you understand, that I will find a way to destroy it, rather than the vessels it carries in."
I huff a tired chuckle, shaking my head to the floor that begins to spin. I hate him. I hate this place—I wish the resistance had blown up Finalizer with me on it instead of StarKiller.
"And how are you going to do that?" I look back once more into the blue.
I am staring into Snoke's eyes with a defiant stare. My heart is hammering and I keep my eyes hesitated through the tears. Snoke leaned in closer and when he looks over my shoulder, I glance too... My eyes meeting Five who had just entered behind the casual stare of Hux.
When The Supreme Leader next speaks, I presume he ignored my last words.
"Your feelings are truely a shame," He tuts, looking back to me as if Five was never there, and I turn back too...
" –For who you love, will never love you like another would."
The sadness drained through me rather than skating over my skin. It travelled through every cell to reach the ground, where I lay pathetically. Where there was the love, the light, the warmth is now an aching hollowness.
That's not true.
"You can leave now, Six," The Supreme Leader dismisses me, but I don't move—not until Five interjects, ignoring me on the floor and stepping forward to his ruler. If only he knew I had just saved his life.
"Embrace your destiny," He greets. "—You requested me, Supreme Leader?"
I pick myself up, and bathe in my brokenness. In this sadness there is no past or future, just living by the moment. Every day is measured from the moment of waking into this new reality until my body can do no more.
Leading to those wide doors, I hesitate in my tracks as I listen to Snoke's next words.
Finally understanding the meaning of his previous promise: I realised just how he would kill my emotions entirely, rather than me. The vessel.
"Five, you've been very reliant in your training and I'm proud to now advance you further," Supreme Leader Snoke says, clear enough for me to hear, "You will be glad to know, you shall be joining Kylo Ren on my ship, the Supremacy, for the next five months."
"Really?" Five's faint voice could be heard, to which Snoke hums a pleased response, and just as I reach the exit finally, I turn my neck to face the ruthless man upon the throne, who smiles back—his gaze had never left me this entire time.
"Oh, and Six... before you go," He adds, teeth snaring as he beams my way, the cruelty sitting upon his tongue, lacing his every word. Only now, does Five turn to face me—those hazel eyes which I used to call my home, watching me distantly.
"Congratulations."