Only with him, am I worthy of escaping my hurricane of thoughts—the fears and the endless analysis of the actions and things I have done, or may have to do.
I'm still scared. I'm still angry; but as we sit beside the window, toe-to-toe, my mind never drifted off the view that we stare beyond. Against that brilliant black, the stars are still painted so bright that they drew my eyes bound, everything bigger and brighter, blurred in the most fantastic way.
The dotted, white-lights shining all the brighter for the blackness around almost makes my soul soar into the galaxy, needing to feel the solar's blazing warmth where there should be none. Just gazing at the ink canvass, stole every thought from my mind, the usual carousel of worries simply forgotten. All my emotional trauma still lingers, as if it was my only shadow—but Kylo Ren was currently the light that shunned it away momentarily.
A deep sense of serenity overcame me as I glance in rapture at the man. Reflections of those perfect rays of light, danced delicately across his skin; his beautiful, scarred features. The darker the view, the brighter the stars, and they shined in brilliance for what seemed to be only, Kylo.
It had been a week since that night on the couch, and the feelings were only growing. I hadn't seen Five or Four since that day—and though I had been waiting in the Dining Hall everyday since then... Arion had never shown up. I still somewhat couldn't believe that she was a Resistance spy, but as the days continue to go on without her company, I realise this means it must be true.
"Try again," Kylo says, nodding his head to the leather glove that laid on the floor between us, almost symbolising a line that we shouldn't cross; one hand of his, bare.
I groan and throw my head back, "Do I have to?"
Kylo's face moved a little too slowly as he was taking in the surroundings rather than glancing back to me. Then, he grinned and as he did so, the temperature of the room became warmer.
"You wanted to learn didn't you?"
"Yes, but that was before I realised it was this hard," I roll my eyes, and give him a playful smile.
I still couldn't believe he and I were able to talk this comfortably to one another–Kylo and I were now in a cooperative and mutual universe, eager to explore this new avenue of opportunity and joy; yet the galaxy we live in, had never changed around us. Our mutuality is only despised: it is the most dangerous thing to the First Order, for our faith should only rely in their hands disguised as the fate of 'destiny.'
When Kylo gives me that smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness, that unexpected warmth rushes through me once more. Who needs the sun when I have that grin?
"Give it one more try, you almost had it."
I nod and inhale a deep, determined breath. Breaking eye contact and focusing now only on the leather, I think back to that day in the Training Centre where I had miraculously moved my boot from one end of the room and into my hands. This glove was closer, and I was more levelled to the ground this time; How hard could it be?
I reach my palm out to it, my fingertips stretching even further in the distance. Closing my eyes, I think of only the feel of leather in my hand again like I did with my boot. Coarse but soft and black. Leather in my hand—the leather that usually wraps his hands.
My head is pounding and my fingertips ache, but the glove never moves. Opening my eyes once more, I stare harshly at the leather, wide and worn as it looked unusually alone without Kylo's strong grip inside.
I take a sneaky peak at his bare hand that sat on his thick thigh. Strong and defined, with blue corded veins which popped out beneath the soft skin; though the fingertips that belonged to it were rough—he had a fighter's hand.
Tearing my gaze away, I must focus only on the glove, not who it belonged to. Leather in my hand. Supple and old leather. Strong and substantial, like it's owner. Those hands were beautiful, precise, elegant–
Suddenly, the glove lifted quickly a few inches into the air and my eyes widen as it flies into my hand.
Leather in my hand!
The excitement bubbles in my chest and I break out into a big, wide smile as I look back up to Kylo who had the slightest curve at his mouth's corner and a satisfied confidence worn in a light raise of the eyebrow, above quizzical, joyful eyes.
"I did it!"
I don't know how I had though. My focus was completely off track. In my undeserving triumph, Kylo bit back the edge of a smile as if he had got a funny idea in his head, a vain attempt to keep his creeping grin at bay. The intention behind his perking lips wasn't something that could easily be ensured, but all at once I knew what he was laughing about.
"—You tricked me!" My jaw drops into a gleeful offence, throwing the glove to his chest.
When the leather hit his broad body, he merely shrugged, "You weren't focusing." He said.
I begin to feel my cheek being kissed with pink like a spring rose, the blooming colour so bright as I felt the flesh burn beneath it. I pray he couldn't read my thoughts clearly as they kept drifting back to him as if that was the post my ship had been anchored to.
I look away from him and find a distraction back through the wide window, trying to find anything to allow time to compose myself, but nothing could distract me as I fought back the smile that broke out.
"Well... like you said, there's too many distractions here," I stifle the giggle behind my words at sight of his mischievous grin, "I bet you, I would have done it in my first try if we were in the Training Centre!"
I lean in, my hands on my knees as I force a proud smile onto my face and straighten my shoulders through my lies. In all honesty, it wasn't anything here that could ever distract me, it was always him. Always, Kylo Ren.
He was in that state of intoxication when he couldn't find any release from the smirk his lips tugged into. He knew what he was doing, and he had moved the glove deliberately, as if it was as easy as wind in a storm.
"I know," He huffs a loud breath, pretending as if he believed my lies, "But the Training Centre is now in use, with the sudden arrival of your... friends."
At their mention, the anxiety stricken thoughts are akin to driving my mind mad and I become conscious of the wall clock that ticks like a timer on a bomb—it being a somewhat reminder of the countdown to Five's death if I don't do my duty. I can't stop it, reverse it or slow it down. Each tick drags me forward, helpless and nervous to the allotted time.
I can no more avoid it more than the beating of my own heart as it pounds with futility against it's cage of bone and cartilage. The dread is an invisible Supreme Leader sitting heavy on my shoulders and only I can hear the sharpening of his knives—but Kylo Ren always steadied me, unbeknownst to the timer as he was taking his time to treat me as delicately as a glass doll; and my heart is in no rush when it is in his hands.
Looking into his inviting eyes, I admit to myself that we may be fools for giving into each other so easily. He and I had built our shields high our whole life and I've had these very efficient defences up for so long, but now he hardly notices them. How rude. I guess they were meant to keep everyone out but it is as if I had given Kylo the key to the only door.
I could ask why this had happened so easily, so quickly, but what's the point? Kylo's here, his hands open and inviting rather than clenched into tight fists and I'm so glad—even if I'm sometimes hiding, imagining a distance instead of seeing him right there.
I shake my head, more-so to my own thoughts than his words.
"Still... I was about to make it move like, two seconds, before you did," I joke.
When he looked at me it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from my lungs floating into the ventilated air, purifying it. He raises an eyebrow, his brown eyes gleaming in protest.
Throwing the glove back to the floor and ignoring the way the space between us was slowly closing in, he says, "Go on then, move it if you are so good..."
"No. I'm much too tired from the last go," I purse my lips and shake my head, "I have to save my force energy for only... battles."
Kylo throws his head back in laughter, his Adam's apple bobbing as he does so and I join him soon after.
"Oh, yeah?" He chuckles. "On who's order?"
"Hmm... Supreme Leader Snoke's," I hum, but when his chuckles die down, I realise I had uncovered territory I shouldn't have joked on. Damn.
He clears his throat, and I await for the dismissal and scolding that is to come at the light joking of his leader; but he only furrows his brows in wonder as he looks back to me—that stare of his not as intense as it usually is.
"You never told me about what Snoke wanted that day he requested your presence," He breathes, implying for me to tell him. But I couldn't...
My face suddenly feels incredibly hot and the ground we sit upon begins to feel incredibly cold, "He just wanted to see how things were going..."
He hums an acknowledgement and I begin to feel guilty at my ability of lying so easily to him. As I watch his face so mesmerised, I wonder back to that light within him—I wonder who the man within Kylo Ren truely is; and like I had, during one of our first moments together, I let the curiosity take over before thinking it roughly through.
"Kylo?" I ask, to which he hums once more, "... Who were you before the First Order?"
The silence that suddenly the air came to, was a poison to the space, for in that void of sound, the shallowness of our conversation was laid bare. Kylo furrows his brows and his jaw tenses; and for a split second I think he may actually answer my prying question.
"I was nobody."
I shake my head, my lips parting and my breath becoming short, "You couldn't of been. I only know this because I am a nobody... I mean, I have a silly number for a name." I try to ease the tension, but his frown never flinches.
"I don't want to talk about it," He deadpans, and I don't press on the subject any further—knowing I may hit a dangerous nerve.
"Oh... okay," I breathe, and he looks away and eases his gaze back out the window. I can tell from the way his eyebrows crease and his lips purse he's in a deep thought.
I suddenly feel the urge to reach out and assure him everything would be okay, but I wasn't so certain... he wouldn't give a damn about Five even if he did know about Snoke's threat and I couldn't tell him for that exact reason, for I know Kylo wouldn't ever lay with me if he thought Five would be the only reason that I wanted to.
I reach out and place a gentle hand on his wide shoulder and the simple touch sent a wave of butterflies coursing through my veins, their fluttering wings easing the dread that had settled inside of me.
When Kylo Ren turns to face me again, it's as if space became the finest point imaginable, whilst time collapses into one tiny speck and explodes at light speed. It's as if my universe begins and ends with only those eyes. I could run forever, search forever, but in the end: every path seems to lead right back to that mesmerising brown.
He raises his ungloved hand up to my cheek and gently pulls me in closer as if I wasn't already a moth to his flame. In that split second at his touch, every nerve in my body and brain is electrified. It's the anticipation of being together in a way that's more than fragile touches, in a way that's so completely remarkable.
I drag myself closer, almost into his toned lap as my breathing becomes erratic; no matter how many times I kiss him, I am still so nervous—but in the end that makes it more exhilarating.
Every time he kissed me it felt like everything around us disappeared, leaving just the two of us alone in this lifetime, and for some reason I would be content with that if it meant no more harm to anyone else.
His lips dance with my inexperienced own. Not innocently but instead, passionate and demanding. Every single time he held my face between his big hands it felt like he was untying all of my knots and now my senses have been seduced for I can no longer think straight.
All at once, his hands tear themselves from my cheeks and leave the skin cold and lonely but when they grab me by the waist, pulling my frame up close against his chest: I become hot all over.
His hands then gently glide through my exposed hair—the headscarf in my drawer screaming for him to stop but I only whimper for him to continue. I had never been touched this way before but my unmarked skin is only craving more of him, in ways I don't know how.
His lips suddenly pull away from my own and his eyes resembled the stars beside us. Their light being a spark of passion—desire—as a small but teasing smile crept upon his face and goosebumps lined my torched skin.
"Six," He whispers slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savour them within the lack of space between us. I smile, my heart fluttering at his voice as I clasp my hands on either side of his face, my left thumb, brushing the scar on his face fondly.
Never before has my name ever sounded so wonderful. Even though it was just a silly number, he made it only belong to me; even though I would give it to him along with my heart if that was what he desired in this very moment.
I lean in to taste him once more... intoxicated already.
He leans in again too, but dodges my kiss and I feel a hot breath on my neck, then the tender brush of his lips, burning as they make contact with my skin. Half gloved hands run through my hair, and the kisses only become harder and more urgent.
I only grant him more access to my neck as my head swims. Now there is only one desire, one wish, and we both know it's just a matter of time before it happens. After he moves back to my mouth with delicate touches of his warm lips, my hands start to tingle at his sides as they etch once more nervously to that intimidating belt—but he stops me again.
Never breaking the kiss, he guides my hands off him and places them on the ground so I am leaning back on my own weight as he moves closer—the back of my head now resting against the glass of the window.
Guiding his way now between my opened thighs, we both ignored the way my skirt had bunched up, exposing the timid flesh of my legs.
As I cautiously kissed him back, unaware of what his plans for me were, the gloved hand moved my hair away from the right side of my neck and I whimpered as the leather brushed a certain spot he had previously taken his time on.
My insides craved his touch. I craved his touch. In this very moment beneath him, I had lost all rational thoughts, I was consumed at the thought of him and I—but he hadn't seemed to reach that point yet.
Pulling away for air, those hands had left my skin once more only to return to my now exposed thighs. We lock eyes for just a moment, just enough for us to feel safe with one another. I'm unsure what to expect, so vulnerable in his hands but there is no fear.
In the galaxy's lightened-room, his fingers caress each of my thigh's skin as if afraid a heavier touch would break the passion. Kylo's fingertips are electric, including the ones beneath leather. Wherever they touch, my skin tingles in a frenzy of static.
As his hands move higher, slowly reaching where now, the material of my skirt is bunched up, my body has a transitory paralysis, my mind unable to process anything other than his touch and stare.
"Do you want this?" He whispers, eyes pleading for my approval... and I do.
I nod, my head almost bobbing urgently as if I couldn't possibly confirm any quicker,
"Yes."
Then something not only stirred in him, but it took over his thinking. The rest of his surroundings became an unimportant blur that was banished into the far recesses of his mind. The only thing that mattered was touching me more and I, him.
"Relax," He urges, and suddenly those hands have lifted my skirt entirely, laying now over my abdomen and exposing my undergarments entirely.
I could feel my cheeks redden, but I never told him to stop when he began to pull the thin material down. He never stared at my exposed flesh which tingled at the open air, he only watched my face with adoring eyes, the brown flickering over every inch of my features.
I gasp quietly when his leather fingers tip-toe up the inside of my thigh and when they meet my most delicate spot, my heart flutters at his touch. Exploring the outside with gentle, covered touches, I moan when the leather brushes what seems like all my nerves, causing my thighs to spasm and clench around his frame, holding him in place and inviting more of those traces.
The acceleration of my heart-rate has nothing to do with fear and everything to do with what my body really wants. I look away as if the galaxy holds my attention, but after all this time: he reads me like a book—eyes on my mouth as I gasp and moan, my breathing rate duly noted.
With a gentle finger, he reorients my face so that he holds the gaze I didn't want to give him—stealing the passion from my eyes in a way that only magnifies the spark. There is no smile on his lips, only the hot intensity of his gaze that we both know is the start of the inferno to come.
At his new touch, the leather becomes unwanted, for now what I crave is his real fingers to make me come undone beneath their warmth. With sudden confidence, I grab the hand from my face and guide it down to the leather, hoping he understands my need, and he does.
Swapping the leather for strong hands and fingers, I moan loudly and throw my head back as far as it can go against the pane. His long fingers then guide their way down further and I know what is about to come and I only invite it as I thrust my hips up.
My chin is shaking and so are my hands, uncertain where to put them; but when he meets my entrance, I grasp onto his strong shoulders immediately for balance. I was attracted to Kylo Ren with the kind of heady trance that brings a bee to nectar and when he asks for my signal to continue, I beg for him to.
Slowly, that long finger I had often let my mind drift to, entered me with a purposeful and graceful force, as if he was scared of breaking me. My breathing became erratic and my heart was pulsating through every crevasse of my body, my most intimate place clenching around him tightly when he added another finger.
I moan, dropping my head into his shoulder and pulling his chest in closer as I panted in his ear whilst he began a slow pace.
I had never felt something so unfamiliar yet cherished. It was as if my body had always wanted, needed, Kylo Ren and his touch. It was as if my body fit with him perfectly like a missing puzzle piece would.
At my breathy cries, his pace quickened and that gloved hand returned to my bundle of nerves once more, throwing me over the edge of passion. When his breathing became quick, I moaned once more and dug my fingernails into the material upon his back. My neck was aching from resting my head upon him but I could care less, for I never want to not be intertwined with Kylo.
Suddenly, the euphoria was building within me and tightening in my abdomen warmly, and when I climax from his fingers, my eyes forming spots and hues that resemble the galaxy behind us.
The rhapsody was beautiful, and when his fingers left me, his frame never did, only holding me tighter with the hand that was once inside of my core.
The dots in my vision begin swaying, illuminating my universe and when I raise my face from his shoulder and meet his gaze, those illuminations... their glow, their shine, everything about them was beautiful, but around that smile and those eyes, they were nothing.
Our chests rise together rhythmically, our bodies bleeding into one. Kylo holds me for what seems like all of eternity in these arms I've grown so accustomed to.
"Thank you." I whisper. My lips, my neck, my heart, so incredibly red because of him.
He smiles, this time baring his teeth and I know for a fact it is real this time, beneath those eyes.
"Thank you," He repeats, but with his own meaning behind it.
I trace his lip lightly with the tip of my finger and gaze so intently at each divot upon it, as if it could map out ancient constellations, untouched planets and tell me everything I don't know or need to.
And I don't want to look up. Because if I look up, I may find myself at the mercy of brown eyes, mesmerised.
"Ben," His lips suddenly say, and all at once I am in that mercy.
"What?" I whisper.
"—I used to be Ben."