Basically, this is based off the one-shot by the lovely yet torturous saaachie called Say Something, Troyler AU. If you haven't read it, avoid it at all costs. I'm a cold hearted person. I never cry from these things. You know what happened upon reading this thing?
I sobbed for two fucking hours in bed.
But if you haven't read it, you might not appreciate this one shot as much, so check that out. Just make sure you have a box of tissues with you. If you want to listen to the song Say Something while doing it, because you're Dauntless as fuck, then have fun.
Troye POV
You'd be surprised by how few emails I actually receive in the address I tagged in the description of my Coming Out video. In a way, that's a good thing; less people need help, I can patiently answer all questions I'm sent, and it's easy to sort out the homophobic comments and trash them immediately.
So, naturally, when someone anonymously sent me a link to a fanfiction with the caption,'Just, read it. Please,' I was pretty surprised.
Now, I've read fanfiction before, with Tyler Oakley: the person that millions of people ship me with, my best friend in the world, and the person that I've unfortunately fallen depressingly in love with. A lot of these fanfictions are like slaps in the face, really, and would be even worse of not for the fact that most of the dialogue is cheesy or the fact that most of these were dirty student teacher fics anyways.
I clicked on the link, though, wondering who'd be desperate enough to send this to me on my email account. This particular one was entitled Say Something Troyler AU. The description was depressing enough already, saying:
Troye Sivan had known Tyler Oakley for nine years, and had been in love with him for seven. Through seven years of unwanted feelings of affection in his heart and suffocating heartbreaks, he now desperately wants to let go.
But he also wants Tyler to stop him from walking away.
Warnings:angst. Heavy angst. Mentions of death. Prepare yourself for anything bad.
Well, this sounds promising.
To say the least, going in to it, I was unprepared. Mentions of death really should've tipped me off in the beginning, but I figured it was just me committing suicide again. I seem to self-harm in 75% of the Troyler fanfictions out there, for whatever reason. I understood that self-harm was a real problem, but the idea of me doing it just seemed unrealistic. Yet, tons of people totally see it. I just don't understand.
Anyways, it only had one part to it, but scrolling last the first page and looking at the gauge in the bottom, I realized it was a long one. It started off with Fictional Troye first being hit with the realization that he's in love with Tyler. I could understand that. I've known Tyler in person for almost two years now, and I've known him before that over Skype as well. He's most definitely my best friend, and the shock of my unwarranted feelings being slammed into me hurt me both physically and mentally. I don't even know what made me realize it. I just remembered first thinking it while talking to him on Skype once. I had to end the call early, because I couldn't handle talking to him with the thought in my mind.
I've been in love with him ( to my knowledge ) for about eight months. Not a terribly long time, but still too long for me to appreciate. When I first realized the truth, during that call being made over continents away, and I hung up, I spent the night in tears, wishing that there was any possible way I could convince myself otherwise. But alas, there were no strings to grasp at. In the words of John Green in Paper Towns, people are balloons, and my last string snapped. I was long gone of the deep end at that point.
The next day, I avoided all calls from Tyler, and actually didn't resume talking to him for almost two weeks, though he certainly tried to keep up the communication between us. He still pesters me sometimes about why I never answered him, but it's not like I can tell him that I hoped the distance would ruin the perfect image I always subconsciously perforated of the two of us together one day, holding hands, walking down a dark street at night after going on a date, smiling fondly at the prospect of the two of us together.
I gave up on trying it distance us, though, knowing that there was no use. Tyler was what made me happiest, whether he knows it or not, and not being with him was almost worse than the realization of how much I wanted to be with him.
Anyways, I continued on with the fanfiction. The author definitely wasn't messing around when she talked about angst. The undertones of fictional Troye were hopeless and depressing, almost perfectly mirroring exactly how I felt in real life. It got even worse when Tyler got a boyfriend that he was insanely happy with. I could understand that as well; about seven months ago, Tyler got a boyfriend named Andrew, and Tyler seemed to be really in love with him. Up until Andrew cheated on him, at least. Tyler was heartbroken at the discovery, and I ended up comforting him at his place.
Continuing on in the story, I discovered that Fictional Tyler got cheated on, too. It was like this author was a fucking prophet or something, with how spot on she was being. Anyways, it was a few years after FT's realization now, as Tyler and the guy had been dating for far longer than the real Tyler had been.
Things got even darker later on, when Tyler got yet another boyfriend. I felt myself choking up on behalf of my fictional self, which was kind of strange, but I really connected with him right now. I remembered the title, and was internally begging FT to just say something to Tyler. He's loved him for years, and it was torturing him. Do something, please! He never told anyone, except for Zoë earlier on. My heart and throat and eyes all felt like they were being squeezed by some intense force, as I continued on reading.
Then came the worst part yet. Troye was getting drunk at home over his feelings for Tyler when Tyler knocks on the door in tears, also kind of drunk. Tyler confessed how he and his boyfriend got in a fight, and broke things off. Then they end up kissing by accident, but they don't stop. Neither of them stop. But when they both pull away, Troye feels like he's made a huge mistake, while Tyler is probably having a major realization about now. Troye is typing to convince Tyler that it was the alcohol, but then Tyler just grabs two drinks out of the fridge, and hands one to Troye. They down the entire thing each, then Tyler faces Troye, asking him to kiss him.
Then, things get heated. I've been waiting for this for so long, but not this way. Not like this.
They end up sleeping together. Troye thinks it's just to make Tyler forget his current pain, but he wants it, too. He wants it so Goddamn bad. The fic doesn't go into the details of the night, which I was kind of grateful for. In the morning, Troye wakes up, half naked, and Tyler is gone. He left a sticky note, with only one word on it: Sorry.
I don't remember when the tears started flowing on my face, but I had to cover my mouth from releasing an anguished sob at the cruelty and the unfairness of it all. My fingers felt the hot tears dripping down my cheeks, and I finally released the fucking sob when Troye got a text from Tyler, saying that his boyfriend took him back. (( I'm literally tearing up thinking about it right now Goddammit Sachie ))
Troye never said anything, still. Sometime later, when Troye was heading over to their place, overhears an argument going on between Tyler and his boyfriend, about how he doesn't want to hurt Troye anymore. Troye now knows that Tyler knows, and probably had known for a long time, how deep his feelings for Tyler run.
That was the last straw for Troye. He left without a word, and didn't speak to Tyler ever again. He ignored all texts Tyler sent him, never once glancing at them.
Then one day, Troye gets a call from the local hospital, asking if he could identify the body of Tyler Oakley.
Upon reading that single line, I broke down completely. I looked away from the fanfiction, burying my face in my hands, having to reassure myself that this was a fanfiction, it wasn't real, Tyler was still alive. Besides, it probably wasn't Tyler's body anyways. Just another person who somewhat resembled the amazingly spectacular person that is Tyler Oakley. With that in mind, I kept reading.
Troye didn't seem to fully process the words. He doesn't believe it, as I don't. He then reads all of Tyler's texts, including the most heartbreaking one of all. The one where Tyler says that Troye had told him he loved him that night, when they were drunk, and Tyler said it back. He meant it, too, which made the ending of the story so much worse.
Troye saw the body. It was Tyler. It really was, and there was no denying, that for Troye. He would know more than anyone else in the whole world. Then the short story ended, with the most heartbreaking line possible.
(You're Troye Sivan, and you're almost 28 when your heart finally breaks into irreparable, shattered pieces.)
Once I finished it, I deleted the email from the feed, and shoved my laptop away from me, trying to make myself breathe. And breathe. And breathe. It was so hard, harder than it should've been. I swatted carelessly at the tears on my face, only making myself cry harder when I pictured all of the possible endings that this, and more importantly, Tyler and Troye, could've had together.
But they didn't. Because Tyler didn't get a future, and because of that, Troye didn't either, really. They loved each other, but never told each other in the right way. They loved each other, and never got to show each other in the right way. It was such a cruel fate, one even John Green couldn't fathom.
I was heaving sobs at this point, when I finally wrenched my laptop back to me, just to watch some of Tyler's videos. The older ones, before we ever talked. Just to assure myself that he was still alive, and well, and so was I. It was a work of fiction. I never thought reading something, especially a Goddamn fanfiction, would make me feel this weak and emotional.
As I watched more fetus Tyler videos, my tears dried themselves up, but it was a slow process. As in, I sat there for over two hours, trying desperately to recuperate after that dreadful experience.
After I recovered slightly, I started thinking; it was called Say Something for a reason. That was the point: Tell the truth. Don't hold back. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. It will only hurt so much worse if you don't, and it's too late.
God, Troye had loved Tyler for seven years, and he never really said something, except for that one night. And no one even knows Tyler's outlook on this. Obviously, his feelings weren't like Troye's, to the point where he never considered dating anyone else, but maybe he just dealt with his emotions differently. Maybe he tried to convince himself that there were other people out there besides his best friend. It sounded like something even Physical Tyler would do.
The I thought about why someone would send me this, and who. Was it someone I knew? Was it a fangirl? Either way, they must've known, or at least guessed, how I felt, though from the amount of gifs I've seen on Tumblr of myself looking at Tyler, I guess it wouldn't be that hard to determine, even if I haven't ever told anyone the truth before. I've never said something.
That's when I knew why they sent it to me. I had to do exactly that: say something.
I didn't even hesitate; I threw some clothes and other important necessities into a small, carry-on roller bag, grabbed my passport, and headed to the airport.
➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔ ➵♔
Several hours and one time zone later ( or earlier, since I just went from tomorrow to today, or today to yesterday, depending on how you look at it ) I'm exiting a cab after leaving the airport, and I'm standing right in front of Tyler Oakley's apartment. On the plane ride here, I was too anxious to eat, sleep, or drink anything the entire time. If I was feeling hungry or thirsty, my throated stomach gave no signs of complaint that I could hear. But then again, my stomach could probably bellow louder than a whale before I heard it over my preoccupied thoughts right now.
Funny thing is, I didn't rethink my plan once on the way here. To be fair, I didn't really have a plan, but I never thought about going back home, either. So many things could go wrong, I know. He might not be home, he could have a boyfriend I don't know about, he could be dead drunk, he could reject me, he could refuse to speak to me again, et cetera, et cetera. But I had to say something. If I didn't now, I might never do it, and look at how that turned at for my fictional self. Honestly, I felt almost numb right now. I refused to think of too many possibilities of how tonight would end.
I glanced upward at the stars in the sky, wondering how there could be so much smog in California to cover the majority of the stars in space. I've read somewhere before that the largest star in the galaxy, VY Canis Majoris, could fit the Earth seven quadrillion times into it. This was only one star in our galaxy, which is surrounded by so many other galaxies and beyond that, universes, that will never be discovered, and are each composed of tons of stars that are much larger than the largest star in our galaxy, yet the earth I'm standing in right now could fit that many times into one star. I couldn't even fathom the amount of stars in the sky, even though under the harsh street lamplight, I could only see so few. Beyond that, I was an much smaller person, not even a speck compared to the world, much less everything behind that. And Tyler was the same, too, an indiscernible iota coexisting with so many other things.
Yet, even knowing this, he is the biggest, brightest thing in all things good and great and powerful that exist both physically and mentally to me. Nothing could compare to him, and I wouldn't have it any other way, though I've spent so long believing otherwise.
Finally, I knocked slowly but firmly on his front door. His car was out front, but I still wasn't sure he'd answer, especially at this time of night with no warning whatsoever that I was coming. He could've even been asleep, for all I know, or he could have company over, to make matters more inconvenient.
After what felt like both an eternity and a millisecond, the door opened, revealing Tyler Oakley in all of his glory, standing before me. It took him a second to fully process that it was me standing there. Shock unfolded across his features, his jaw agape as he took me in. He tried to sputter something to say, but was unsuccessful in every attempt. I was never one to make a first move, or even start a conversation, depending on who I was talking to, but I had to do what I came here to do: Say something.
So, I did.
"Tyler."