"–Five?"
The floor seems to be caving in beneath my knees and the lights are now suddenly too bright. All perception of time becomes distorted and everything slows down until there is nothing; nothing but Five, who stood only inches behind my frame.
When I pull myself from the floor and onto my feet, I felt as steady as a leaf in a storm. The first few steps were hindered, as if I didn't truely believe he was there.
Five steps from the shadows, stealing my breath and the heat from my skin. All at once, my defences are crumbling before the Supreme Leader who dangles Five's life behind his back.
When his familiar, home-like eyes, met mine, something flashed beneath the surface of his hardened expression but it was gone before I could identify it—though, it didn't matter to me for those eyes are mosaics, forgotten to be appreciated for their beauty in contrast to the dark room which the hazel shines upon. He is eating me with his eyes, as if he can't quite believe I'm not a distorted imagination from a forgotten dream.
Before I can draw in the air my body needs, I have melted into his form. I can feel my body shake, crying for the missed time between us—crying to release the tension of the chance I could lose him again once more... if I do not comply to my duty.
His body is so familiar to me—the way it moves, the smell, even the sound of his heart beating–but his firm torso and hard muscle against my own, is new.
My arms wrap tightly around his chest, my face squashed against his beating heart: a rhythm I have never been more thankful for.
Kylo Ren had lied to me. He had told me Five was dead and with that, brought the worst pain imaginable. I was hurting at this betrayal and I was just a ticking time bomb until I exploded with anger at what he had done. But the relief was overwhelming, as if it had cut the cord to my explosives... momentarily.
During these difficult emotions, I can only see the anger flowing like water slowly rising. In a few moments the water will eventually level above my head and I will need release from its smothering, but right now it is barely covering my boots and it is calm; so I am too.
"Oh, Five," I whisper into his chest. His attire now black and thick, resembling Kylo's—the symbol upon his heart, connecting him to the First Order like a leash around his neck.
His hands hadn't yet joined my form, and when they etched their way up from his sides, I embraced the warmth and comfort to come–but it never did. Instead, just as Kylo Ren had done to me earlier, Five pushed me off his chest.
Those hazel eyes that should be warm and familiar, are now only scanning for danger or threat. My heart nearly shatters to the ground before Five's feet due to how quickly my love had turned into uncertainty. Beneath those eyes, I panicked that he had forgotten me and I let that negative emotion swallow and pour acid into my soul.
"Number Five!" The Supreme Leader calls from his place upon the throne, and suddenly even the hands on my biceps that pushed me away were now gone at his Leader's voice, "Good to see you again. I trust you are well even after the ruining of StarKiller?"
Five tore his eyes away from me and turned to Snoke as if I wasn't there. His voice wasn't as I remembered, like vanilla pudding, sweet in their ordinary sort of way—but rather indifferent and distant in his deep tone.
Even his hair was now different, shorter and less alive in this gravity.
"Yes, though there were some... interferences... we eventually got out before it was too late."
"There wasn't enough time for him to get out," Kylo's voice rung in my head, adding fuel to the fire that was scorching in my heart.
Though, he is the same boy from weeks ago, Five's expression is now more machine than man. Everything was a blur—a blur that swirled out of existence and suspended into the air. I closed my eyes momentarily and surrendered myself to the Supreme Leader as I began to face him; Five and I side by side, though, a million galaxies apart.
I fought for the good memories, the reasons to be kind. I fought to keep myself empathic even as every terrible thing I had feared suddenly came true—Snoke had Five in the palm of his hand, and was willing to crush him within his grip if it meant torturing me for what I hadn't yet done.
Snoke understood the shock that registered on my face before I could hide it and a small smile played on his lips. He had me bound to his threat, my hands and feet tied with no possible way to free myself unless I do as he wishes... have Kylo Ren's child.
The Supreme Leader was utterly evil, ruthless... and slowly he was twisting Five into his perfect, little toy soldier, adding him to his loyal collection upon his mantle, right beside Kylo Ren.
The two of them continue to talk, but I can't hear any of it beyond my screaming thoughts. General Hux watches me from behind Snoke's shoulder, a satisfied grin upon his sly features at my loss.
Once I was made up of only glass, perfect to the eye and fragile underneath; but when I had been brought upon Finalizer, Kylo had let dust mark my surface, building me stronger and showing me the real world beyond Project Destiny, though some part always stayed vulnerable because I held onto the hope that Five would be by my side once again, to help me through this difficult life—but now, he only betrays my affections and leaves my heart in a shattered disarray of pieces.
I feel as if it will be impossible for me to put myself back together. And yet, when I look into Snoke's gleaming eyes, I know that I have to collect all my pieces and carry on, for I will not let him win and ruin me at the same time.
I click back into reality when Snoke bids Five a farewell, Five bowing to his Supreme Leader and not giving me a second glance before leaving through those thick, closed doors. Only now, when his back is facing me, do I realise the black metallic weapon that hung from his belt.
I turn once more to Snoke, eyes full of betrayal and willingness to fight.
"So..." He leans in on his throne again with a smirk, his thumbs brushing with his index fingers as if he was rubbing his hands together in taunt, "Are we on the same page now?"
It is terrifying to see the eyes of a snake glaring from a human head, devoid of morals. Snoke seemed to only ever smile when making a move on chaos, his emotions otherwise cold throughout. That man didn't need to be afraid to kill and had never feared for his own life. Causing pain was his addiction and he could sense my heartbreak within.
I will the tears to not spill from their sockets, "Are you talking about the page where you threatened to kill Five unless I don't become with child?" My blood begins to boil, "You're evil."
"Threatened?" Snoke laughs with a low growl of a chuckle that should only come from a beast. He glances over to Hux who attempts to suppress a smile.
"I vow to kill that boy, if you do not complete your only purpose. You call me evil... I only think of myself as the vein to your destiny. Do you understand?"
I was too sad to cry out or wail—too weak, as I just stood there as still as a statue while the magnitude of my loss swept over me finally, "I do, but I am only doing this for Five... never for the First Order nor you. Even if you have already killed the Five I once knew and replaced him with a stranger... I will not let you take him away from me again."
I make a turn to leave, my back now facing Snoke and General Hux as I walk towards the doors, finished with this conversation; but Snoke calls out into the room once more, always left to be the one to have the final world.
"Six..." He snarls.
I stop in my tracks, craning my head over to the Supreme Leader, but not letting my eyes fall upon his wretched features.
"–Lets keep this between only us, shall we?"
Scowling, I turn my head back to those magnificent doors and finally push them open. The two StormTroopers still guard the entrance and now, I guard my emotions.
This place, it's cruel to my destiny. The First Order was the reasoning behind my entire conscience being torn out of place and being tortured until it bleeds out and gives up in their hands.
A universe in the First Order's darkness is purgatory place, full of purification in the name of punishment in which by Snoke's own requests. I feel like there is a hole in my chest holding me back from achieving my true goal—to feel apart of something—for I know this isn't my purpose.
I'm a stranger in this environment but I feel like I've been here for years. It's only been a while since I've seen any natural light and my skin longs to feel a burning touch. I want nothing more than to go home, but I've never truely had a home.
I still feel pain, so much raw pain, but I can't be broken anymore. Snoke did his worst, plucking my most valued and threatening to destroy it; but I am still here and so is Five. Though, he isn't the same and neither am I—I won't let The Supreme Leader kill him, even if that means abandoning my morals and putting on a mask.
I make my way down the long hall, the StormTroopers long forgotten and out of sight. When I reach a conjunction, a hand grabs my forearm and pulls me around the empty corner away from my original path.
The apprentice stands stiffly in his starched and pressed uniform, lightsaber by his side. The dark threads mark him out as a fighter, a protector, a defender. He is barely recognisable as the boy I once knew. His shoulders are are no longer those of a youth but of a man, no longer as boney but still as broad. His hand that holds my forearm.... was still delicate.
"Six."
Those eyes pulled me into a trance. The hazel much warmer than before, as the flecks of honey performed a magnificent illumination within the brown and green.
I stand shocked as I stared blankly at him with wide, apprehensive eyes. Frightened by his expression for it didn't resemble how it did when he pushed me off him moments before. His hand is so precious around my flesh and I await for him to snatch it away as if I disgusted him once again; but he never did.
As I took in a sudden intake of breath and stumbled backwards, Five only mimicked my footsteps closer and then pulled me into his chest.
"I'm so sorry, Six," He breathes into my hair, holding my head beneath his chin with a gentle shove. My boarders are already crumbling as he holds me but my mind still screams for him to let go—for he didn't want this before...
What was happening?
His embrace was warm, and his long arms seemed very protective when wrapped around my frail body. The universe and the First Order momentarily melted away as I squeezed him back, not wanting this moment to end; though as soon as I gave into his warmth, I was the one to pull away this time.
Five wears a face like he's expecting anger from me, rightfully so, but all I have for him is still love; all I want is to keep him safe although he will never fully understand why.
"W-What was that back there?" My voice and chin quivers, tears beginning to form, "I-You act like you don't know me one second, and then the next, we're back to normal?"
He holds onto my hands, his thumb brushing the skin smoothly, "I had to."
"Bullshit!" I choke on my own cry and Five's eyes flicker up to check if anyone's around to hear us, but there was nobody even close. "You weren't yourself."
His eyes snap back to me and his lips twitch downwards. His strokes on my hands are desperate, as if all he wished for deep down, was for me to hold him in a sudden moment of fragility. And when he spoke his next words, I knew I was the only person his own walls could crumble in front of.
"I can't seem weak in front of Snoke, or anyone from the First Order." He leans in close, licking his bottom lip as he pulls a hand from my own and rests it on my cheek, "—They don't keep the weak, it has been made clear."
I swallow the lump in my throat.
"So what does that mean?" I cry, my eyes scanning his face to try and figure him out more, "Does that mean we can't be friends anymore, because that makes you weak?"
He forces a small, sad smile and within it, I recall my soul as I remember all the memories we share. And so, my heart still has only sweetness for the many memories of us, but it also greys as I know those children we once were, are dwindling slowly.
"Not at all," He shakes his head and laughs as if what I said was stupid, though I now notice the water above the hazel. "I just can't let the First Order know how deeply I care for you."
"–I won't let them ever use you as a motive for me."
My eyes widened at his words and the guilt that formed was like acid in my guts. My insides died slowly in the toxicity, craving nothing but release. Five had pushed me away so I wouldn't seem as if I was his weakness... he was about ten steps ahead on his own path aligned to Snoke, but one hundred behind on my own. Here he was, putting my life before his, unknowing to the fact he had already become a motive on my own path.
"Oh," Was all I could retort. Tears hopelessly fell down my cheeks and some crept onto my lips, salty and sorrowful.
"I'm sorry," Five whispered once more, though I was the one who should secretly be apologising.
I choke on my own sob and suddenly crash once more into his arms. I can feel his firm torso and the heart that beats within. His hands are folded around my back, drawing me in closer, but he pulls his head back and wipes the tears away with a delicate finger.
"I thought you were dead—" I rasp into his chest.
His eyebrows furrow as his gaze surveys me.
"Why would you think such a thing?" He asks the question smoothly, the baritone of his voice reverberating through my bones. The low rumble of his voice is as comforting as I remember.
I shake my head on his chest, my cheek squishing into the wet fabric, "Kylo Ren. He said you didn't make it out of StarKiller in time."
He huffs and then scoffs lightly, holding me against him tighter if that was possible. "That asshole? Yeah, he was right to think that... he was the one who left us there to die."
My heart drops right to my feet and shatters.
I furrow my brows at his words and pull away from his grip, "What do you mean?"
He rolls his eyes and bites the inside of his cheek, like he would when he was frustrated. Raising his eyebrows and shaking his head, he says,
"We were locked in the Command Centre as it was burning down—all Ren had to do was open the doors from the outside... but he didn't." He said with a foul taste in his mouth, shaking his head, "He just looked at Four and I with that soulless mask, and left us there to die. If it weren't for some random engineer who ran by soon after, I suppose I would have been dead, as he had wished."
Burning anger hissed through my body like a snake up my spine. The rage within was screeching a demanded release in the form of an unwanted scream. It was like fire erupting; fury sweeping me off my feet like ferocious waves. The wrath consumed my mind, engulfing my moralities and destroying the boundaries I had set up.
Kylo had left them both to die...
"W-Why would he do such a thing?" I cower, my mind fused with confusion and rage.
Five places a warm hand on my shoulder, "Kylo Ren is utterly evil. I have never seen any good within that man... I'm sorry you had to be paired with him."
Part of me wanted to disagree, shout at Five and tell him there was a gentle side to that monster; but now I am not so certain. I thought Kylo Ren's trust and loyalty laid only with the First Order, but now knowing that had tried to kill two of his own men: I felt as if I hadn't known Kylo all along.
Maybe Kylo Ren was a monster, and indeed I was just blinded in moments of fragile vulnerability—a delusion of a man in my own mind.
"I-" I begin to speak, but Five cuts me off as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear—much like Kylo had done only hours before.
"Now that I am here, you will never have to bow down to Kylo Ren again. He's a ruthless killer so promise me this, Six..."
I meet his eyes, a sudden desperation hiding within the hazel. I nod, urging him to continue.
"You are not just a womb, you are much more than that," He shakes his head, the soft brown curls bouncing as he does so in his seriousness. "It kills me to think that Kylo Ren has you, so don't let him. Don't let him have you."
He pulls me into his heart once more and I am frozen at his words. Oh Five, if you only knew.
When I try to speak my voice falters into unintelligible croaks, I want to tell him with my whole heart that I won't give myself to Kylo Ren, but that's not the whole truth, and I'm afraid it will sound hollow. I can't do what Five wishes and I can't tell him why, so I just agree.
"O-Okay." I stutter, and I immediately feel bad for lying, but it's better than having his blood coating my hands.
Eventually, Five has to leave and he walks me back to Kylo's quarters—I'm thankful Kylo was in the hospital wards, for I don't think I could handle seeing him so soon after finding out that he had lied.
Standing before the hatch and not yet letting my hand meet the scanner, I find leaving Five is killing my soul as sure as a dagger can stop a beating heart. It isn't easy to leave when I know that I had lied to him and been threatened by the ending of his life all in a couple of hours... but I know I have to.
"Goodnight," I whisper slowly, as if the longer my vowels, the longer he would stay.
Five wraps his hands behind his back and his lightsaber swings on his belt—not as threateningly as Kylo Ren's did though. It tore a piece of my shattered glass-heart away to say goodbye to the only person that I felt cared by, to the only person that I felt happy with.
"Goodnight." He bids his farewell and I smile as I watch him walk away once more—a stark resemblance to the way he had left me that day he got onto the space-shuttle to go to StarKiller; only this time I knew for certain that I would see him again.
"Embrace your destiny," He calls.
My smile quivers and I furrow my brows to his back in confusion. Five and I never greeted each-other like that. It just wasn't natural... maybe the First Order had begun to seep in?
No, no—I'm sure it was just a slip of the tongue.
Finally entering Kylo's quarters and letting out a tired breath I didn't know I was holding. I stand in the doorway for a moment, staring at the hatch to try and collect all my thoughts. I was a surging mess of perplexity that mixed with the fear which I carried along out of Snoke's throne room.
What had just been done, I could not undo; I couldn't take back the fact that Five was my weakness and Snoke was using him as a pawn. I could make amends in innocence, but a confession was out of the question, Snoke had made that clear.
These emotions burnt me out so badly that there was nothing left but a shell—an outline of a person and as I orientated back to the universe again, Five filled the void.
I have to save his life.
I have to have Kylo Ren's child.
Part of love is to protect, with life and limb. I don't wish for the First Order to win, but there's nothing else in which I can do. I will not let Five die by Snoke's hand, so I must boarder my glass heart and I will only take down my new defences when there is safety and trust... something that I know won't ever come.
I need defence in the form of a mask. A mask I must portray to Kylo Ren.
Unexpectedly, a large hand drifted to my hip, causing a frightened gasp to leave my lips. When I turned to face whoever the hand belonged to, it only settled there warmer and pulled me in closer. I inhaled sharply, my eyebrows furrowing at the displaced look he gave—which I couldn't quite understand what was the reasoning behind it.
I was against his warm chest, chiseled to perfection with scars scattered, and then suddenly, like a broken glass aligning to my shattered edges...
Kylo Ren's soft lips crashed to my own.